How not to feel like a failure?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing I'm not the only one out there who feels like failure (after all, the test says "negative" - not a traditional sign of achievement). How do you not feel like a failure when you're not getting pregnant?

[Anonymous]

if you find out, let me know! i feel that way too after a negative result. especially after i have to tell my close fam & friends who know i am trying. i feel like i have this expectation to fill or something.
but we just need to stay positive and try and realize that it's nothing we did...hard i know...trust me...

maybe take some time? i don't know if you are doing fertility treatments (i am), and i took a couple months off and started new and fresh and that is helping so far.

cheer up!!! we'll be moms soon and we are not failures!!!

[Anonymous]

I tried for two years. Clomid for months, 4 IUIs, and finally a cancled IVF that resulted in DC #1 via an IUI. It was very painful, but in retrospect, I think not talking with other people about it may have made it harder. Once I started telling people what we were going through it turned out everyone we know has some problem or issue getting to their family.

Now that I have two DCs (#2 conceived w/o help) I make sure to always share how hard it was to get where we are, so other folks don't feel alone.

We have friends with IVF twins, frozen embryo kids, domestic adoption, foreign adoption, single moms with sperm donor, donor eggs etc, etc. Once those kids are born no one really thinks about how they got there. They are your kids and you love them the same.

[Anonymous]

You are not a failure because fertility is not something that you have control over (beyond the obvious - use birth control or not, have sex or not). You can't fail at something you can't control. I know it is hard to accept - there are so many people who seem to be able to effortlessly plan their 2 children spaced an exact 2 years apart (like my SIL), getting pregnant on their first try each time. But, as PPs said, there also are a lot of people who struggle with infertility. You may want to consider joining a support group so you don't feel so alone.

[Anonymous]

21:53 here again. What PP said. What I was trying to say is, you are not a failure and there are so many other people in DC who have the exact same experience you have that you should just feel normal. In my social circle a slightly "atypical" path to parenthood has turned out to actually be typical.

Always have a plan B, and plan C and Plan D. Don't draw lines in the sand and say "I won't do X", you don't know what you'll want to do when the time comes.

Start also imagining (even if you don't take any other steps) what your plan for non-biological children might be and imagining what your childless lift would be like -- the happy parts, not the part where you imagine yourself staying bed depressed). All of that helped me get through the years of trying.

Our culture is so set up to blame women for fertility failures. We don't blame heart attack victims or cancer patients. Its just silly.