Keeping the "emotional connection" with DW after three kids and two professional carrers.
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Anonymous
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For the last few years, my DW and I have dealt with the day-to-day duties of raising three kids. With both of us being professionals, are personnel time has vanished. From morning time with getting the kids ready, breakfast, drop offs, tantrums to the madness of after school activities, homework, dinner, and getting them ready to sleep, it has been difficult to keep the "emotional connection" we once had. I know that there are married people who are dealing with the same situation. I love my DW very much but I have seen our affection diminish through the years. We both understand that we need to spend alone time but it has gone to the point that we do not have sex. Or if we do, it is a quickie. I have made it a priority this year to just leave for the weekend with my DW or take days off just to spend with her. I do miss holding her hand, hugging her, hearing her laugh, etc.
I have read enough postings on DCMD to know marriages can fail if the couple are not "in love" or the "intimacy" fails. Any guidance on balancing the relationship between H-W and the kids? Our communication is great and I want to be completely honest with her that our marriage of over 20 years is worth rekindling the passion we once had. |
Anonymous
| Do you have any family in town who could watch the kids so you could have date night? If yes, ask for help. If no, try to swap time with a friend or neighbor. You simply have to have time together to stay connected. Good luck...you sound thoughtful/sweet. |
Anonymous
| Go for date nights or weekends away. I know it can be hard when you work during the week and things are so busy, so maybe go away for a few days in the middle of the week so you can still enjoy the weekend with your kids. Or take the weekend and realize that you have lots more weekends with your kids. I can feel my husband and I growing distant when we don't spend time together, either because of work travel or business, and it always leads to more shortness/annoyance at the other person. So I try to make sure we have some time, even if it means staying up a bit later to watch a movie together one night or having lunch together during the week (a luxury we only recently obtained since we used to work an hour apart), or just doing something together without our kids. Good luck, the fact that you're aware of this bodes well for you. |
Anonymous
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Great to hear you are taking the initiative on your marriage. With marriage and kids, it is just normal for this to happen but there is the danger that two people start to take each other for granted. When that happens, one or both begin to feel ignored and dissatisfied. The "emotional connection" is important to maintain the intimacy and the reason of maintaining the love between you and your spouse. People might disagree but the couple relationship needs to be placed first before the kids. If there is a problem between the couple, that can lead to separation or worst, divorce.
Talk to your DW and see if she is opened to marital counseling. And yes, take care out for the weekend and leave the kids. |
Anonymous
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You don’t have to go from no sex at all to specially created times for just the two of you to improve intimacy/connection. Hold hands WHILE you take the kids somewhere. Sneak a kiss in the kitchen WHILE cleaning up, etc. (And you may be tired,but you will feel and sleep better with better and more regular sex, not just quickies. You can sleep when you are dead.)
It will not hurt your kids to see their parents be affectionate with each other. And you sound like you are on the right path since you notice this. |
Anonymous
What the women never get is that the man's emotional connection is guaranteed to drop to nothing if he's not getting any sex. |
Anonymous
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Take a Gottman Institute weekend seminar. Learn how to keep your Love Bank full.
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Anonymous
all of this. DH here with 3 kids (teens and pre-teens) so I can relate. When I come home, always kiss my wife hello. In the kitchen, I just hug my wife because I want to and I want to feel physically connected to her even for a split second - I know she loves it b/c she basically melts in my arms. I do this in front of the kids, despite their "protestations". when we're out, we hold hands walking to the store/restaurant, crossing the street, etc. Our kids are older so it's easier to do, but we have a weekly date night that allows us to connect, uninterrupted for an hour or so - we do this on Monday nights when restaurants are mostly empty, so it's easier to get a table and the week hasn't yet turned crazy. Our sex life is generally good - I always want it to be 'more than 1-2 times a week. Yes, we have quickies, usually on the weekends in between the kid's games/activities and that adds some excitement. It took me a while to understand this about my wife, but but the simple acts of connecting regularly, regularly brings the heat and passion into the bedroom. |
Anonymous
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Schedule sex twice per week regularly. The emotional connection will come easily from there.
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Anonymous
| I like all these suggestions. Make it a point to cuddle every night before you fall asleep. Hug and kiss throughout the day even when your kids are there. Small acts of affection keep a marriage alive (and often lead to more frequent and better sex). |
Anonymous
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DH and I are still close b.c we share interests other than the kids and the home. We watch Game of Thrones, football and sitcoms together. We read books and discuss them. We do crossword puzzles. Also date nights and overnight trips.
We are also trying to keep our own interests outside of the marriage going too- hobbies and going out with our friends separately etc. Start cuddling and physical affection when you arent trying to have sex right away. That's annoying. -mom of three |
Anonymous
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Been there done that. If you are lucky (we were), it comes back in late middle school/high school, when the self absorbed teens have their own lives that don't involve you so much, and you can go back to having a life that doesn't always, 24/7, revolve around them.
In the mean time, all of the suggestions above! |
Anonymous
| How old are your kids, OP? |
Anonymous
| I truly believe “if you don’t use it you lose it”. I’ve found that if I make the effort to be more touchy feeley with my DH it becomes a habit and he does it back to me. It’s easy for me to get “touched out” by my kids constantly hanging on me, but it’s my DH’s love language so I need to make it a priority. The more frequent touching/cuddling/kissing leads to more sex and we’re both happier. Just do little touches, kisses goodbye in the morning, quick texts saying “i love you” etc and it’ll quickly come back. And it’s good for the kids to see, too! Good luck, OP, you sound very sweet. |
Anonymous
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You need to purposely schedule some time for your marriage. If you are religious, maybe find a couples retreat.
You can also read "his needs, her needs" for some inspiration. Make a list of activities you both want to try and then be proactive about scheduling time to do it together. Skydiving? Join a book club? Kayaking? Take a cooking class? One of the big things is to continue to experience new things together. You will feel more connected and it will help you grow together and not apart. Also... Be vigilant about your boundaries with female friends and coworkers. What starts out as innocent friendships can really slide into dangerous territory when you are feeling emotionally lonely. |