At the end of my rope - dealing with depressed spouse

[Anonymous]

I know others have posted on similar points but I'm kind of desperate for ideas / support so here goes. My husband had a big career setback a few months ago - he got a long-sought promotion only to have the job evaporate due to issues unrelated to his performance. We were lucky in that he was able to return to his former position, but the whole experience has sent him into a tailspin / midlife crisis. He's depressed, angry, lethargic, the whole nine yards, and so far talk therapy and (very recently) meds have not helped much. He was a minimalist on the home side of things beforehand (but was always a good parent/spouse in other ways) -- now he's totally unhelpful and nonstop surly. He has insomnia and insists that even having me in the same room makes it impossible for him to sleep, so I'm sleeping in the nursery.

So I'm exhausted and trying to figure out how to keep things going while dealing with 2 small children and their various issues like illnesses and school adjustment problems, plus a very busy full-time job. Oh yeah, and it doesn't help that we're in the same industry and my career is going very well, entirely due to dumb luck as he is actually senior to me.

Nothing I do or say seems to help, and I'm feeling increasingly overwhelmed by carrying the whole load on the baby/toddler/house front. He exploded a few weeks ago and cursed me out in front of the kids and demanded his "freedom" and a divorce. He returned a few hours later, but has been actively looking for jobs outside of DC and announced last night that he is totally done with his career here. He refuses to talk much about it - says I don't get it and he can't explain - meanwhile I feel like our whole family is on the verge of collapse. There's depression and possibly some bipolar issues in his family history and at times I feel like he is repeating a pattern. I realize how absurd this sounds but that's precisely why I can't tell any of my friends or family. Any constructive suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Depression is so hard to deal with. It does sound like his problems stem from work. Can he look for a different job here?

[Anonymous]

Has he behaved this way in the past? Is this why you can't discuss it with family or friends?

It sounds to me like he is taking all of his misery, frustration and bitterness out on you. It's time he snaps out of his funk and moves on -- I know easy enough for me to say, less likely to be so easy to make happen.

Honestly, based on what you've written, I think you would be very justified in saying enough. Are the two of you in therapy or is it just him? Would he consider marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

One thing that strikes me about these posts -- it's always the wife who has to adapt/change/leave the bedroom when the husband has insomnia/depression/career problems. It would be a relief to me if a person acting like this left town for a few weeks. Why not call his bluff?

[Anonymous]

this seems weird. why would he ask for a divorce because of this depression? something else is going on besides what you have described.

[Anonymous]

Sorry he's depressed but it may be time for some tough love. Boo hoo he didn't get what he wanted. But you know what, that's life. He's lucky to still have a job. He's an adult and needs to realize he has responsibilities to his family. Set some boundaries and don't let him get away with blaming you or the world. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope the meds will kick in and provide some him--and you--some relief. But also think about where you might find some support and someone to talk to, even on a short-term basis, whether a friend, a clergy member or a professional counselor. You have a huge burden to bear right now, and you shouldn't have to carry it all alone. Do try to remember that depression is an illness and try to cut your husband the same slack on the home front, and offer the same kind of support, that you would if his illness were more overtly physical. If you can afford it, outsource as much as you can for the time being to make your job easier. Prayers and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

I would call his psychiatrist and relay what you have said here. If it's his GP prescribing meds I'd make an appointment with a psychiatrist and go with him. With his family history I don't think a behavioral approach (setting boundaries) is going to be useful. He may well need a mood stabilizer in addition to the antidepressants. It's better to try to help him now regardless of the outcome since he will share custody or at least have visitation with the kids and you don't want to be wondering about untreated/undiagnosed mental illness then. There have been a lot of threads on bipolar spouses, I'd post and ask if anyone has a good psych to recommend. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this but you are going to have to take the steps to put a floor under the situation. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you are right about NOT telling family and friends (specially friends) that you suspect he might be bipolar or depressed. Mental illness has a real bad stigma in this country (maybe not in this board, but it is easier here since everyone is anonymous).