Poll: when you told your spouse you wanted a divorce....

[Anonymous]

So, what happened next. That is my question.

I shared with my spouse today that I wanted us to explore a post marriage dynamic within our family.

This was not totally out of left field.

His response was to send me a 13 point email about all my faults and shortcomings. And how I am impossible to deal with ect. ect.

Does this conversation ever go better? Is this a typical response? I do not know what I was expecting- but this is just immediately ugly. Ugh

[Anonymous]

Read the book Crazy Time. That will help you get through this. My spouse pretty much hates me right now and thinks everything is my fault and that I gave up. Every baby step I take to have some sort of control over my own life is a huge affront to him. This book explains a lot of the why, and gives a road map for getting through it. Hang in there. There is an end in sight.

[Anonymous]

Even though I think this is a bad idea, I would be sorely tempted to reply with something along the lines of, "aren't you glad we're getting a divorce then!"

[Anonymous]

Right?!? I've listened to 12 years of DH threatening to divorce me and now that I'm agreeing with him, he thinks all our issues are "fixable" and that I'm the one giving up. Yes, I'm giving up because nothing I've done in 12 years has helped improve our dynamic and I'm done trying.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right?!? I've listened to 12 years of DH threatening to divorce me and now that I'm agreeing with him, he thinks all our issues are "fixable" and that I'm the one giving up. Yes, I'm giving up because nothing I've done in 12 years has helped improve our dynamic and I'm done trying.

NP

NP here...I am in the same boat but 10 years in! The last threat of divorce I said “ok, let’s do it.” He thinks things are suddenly fixable. It has always been bad. His first threat was 6 months into the marriage. I should have ended it then before kids. At this point, I want out. I wanted to separate 8 months ago and he asked me to wait. I hope to start separation process in 2019. We have finally agreed after multiple conversations that if a divorce does indeed happen, we will be as amicable as possible for the kids.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect, if you asked about a post-marriage dynamic, you were being overtly aggressive and it makes sense that he was defensive and on the attack. Seriously, how could you expect anything different? Just because you use high-falutin language doesn't hide that you were ending the relationship. And I presume that you didn't do so in a neutral way. So, how do you expect a guy to respond?

Fwiw, I'm divorced, but I never dealt with this sort of passive-aggressive bullsh*t. If my ex had been sufficiently pretentious to raise divorce in this manner, I would have hated her, and it would have poisoned our attempts to co-parent since. I'm very glad she's not so insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I filed for divorce and followed thru. Best decision I made in our marriage. But I have no idea what a post divorce dynamic is or why anyone would want to explore it.

[Anonymous]

My spouse asked for a divorce and moved out the next day pretty much. It was a fairly clean break and fairly easy since we had no kids and minimal assets.