To host or not to host?

[Anonymous]

DH has a large family. Nice enough, but not particularly talkative or communicative (or I would ask them). There are about 20 of them in the D.C. area, and we generally do about (3) holidays per year together. There are (4) different host houses possible, one is ours, the others are closer relatives (ie: emotionally closer than us). We know that on occasion (not often), if we don't ask about the holidays, we haven't been invited - not for any particular reason. ie: we're not rude or anything, and try to bring anything they need, at least one or two well thought out side dishes, and some good wines, for example. DH's family seems to believe that the sisters are closer than the brothers, is my only guess? Though they know we are here and don't necessarily have plans, so that is not it. The three main "hosts" have DC, theirs are grown (mostly out of college and out of the house). The question is, are we obligated to host, or host more often? There are some who don't host, and everyone seems to accept that (they are never excluded). Is this as bad as it seems, on their part?

[Anonymous]

If you issue an invitation—and you should, if you want to see people—it’s just that: an invitation. You should have no expectations of reciprocation, or of being invited or included.

If you want to invite them, do. Then drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

I can't figure out what the problem is. Offer if you want and are willing. Don't offer if not.

[Anonymous]

If we don’t host we might not get invited? Does that sound like the right thing to do, to you?

[Anonymous]

... what is your question???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we don’t host we might not get invited? Does that sound like the right thing to do, to you?

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we don’t host we might not get invited? Does that sound like the right thing to do, to you?

OP here.

[Anonymous]

Still honestly don't get what is confusing here.

There are a group of people where everyone sometimes gets together, but other times, only some people get together.

If you want to see some people, invite some people.

If you want to see everyone, invite everyone.

You should not reasonably expect recipricol invitations from neither some people nor everyone, because that's not how hosting--or life--works.

[Anonymous]

It seems that some relatives omit you from the A List. If it is always the same people that omit YOU, you can ether invite them or not. Your choice.Hosting more frequently probably won't change things. It appears that your feelings are hurt. Considering it s your DH's relatives, does he feel the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some relatives omit you from the A List. If it is always the same people that omit YOU, you can ether invite them or not. Your choice.Hosting more frequently probably won't change things. It appears that your feelings are hurt. Considering it s your DH's relatives, does he feel the same way?

I don’t think DH likes his family, and I don’t know if they like anyone but each other. They really only seem to want to vacation, etc alone with each other. What do I tell the kids? That their aunts and uncles are selfish? They include the local cousins who are closed off like they are. I’m just trying to get along, I feel like we never did anything to them. Siblings were never that nice to DH.

[Anonymous]

I think this one is easy.

If you'd like to build closer ties with these people, invite them, spend more time with them. If that doesn't matter much to you, then just see them for the few times per year that you already do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe offering to host could be a good effort. See if anything changes after this.