Grandmother having issues with caregivers

[Anonymous]

My grandparents are in their 90's and still living at home. Grandfather need a lot of help and assistance throughout the day, but grandmother is pretty independent.

Grandmother is not getting along with any of the caregivers, and around 8 have already been hired and left due to personality conflicts.

I'm trying to find articles, guidance, help on what we can do to help grandmother get along with the caregivers during the day so there is less turn over. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

No but we are having the same issue with my parents. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Having same problem with my 99yo grandmother. She keeps firing them.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive issues. It's not possible to have personality conflicts with 8 separate people. Ask the 8 caregivers what their take on it is and don't discount the answer. Unless the grandmother has been that way in her so-called prime, so didn't get along with "the help," then it's almost certainly that. Doctors don't routinely test for it. By age 90 you probably have 2/3 of people with Alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

This is a problem for many families. I think the problem is a combination of the grandparent wanting to be taken care of by family instead of hired help, and also the fact that they’re in denial of the fact that they need help. I suspect they are also depressed and anxious about not being able to do the things they were always capable of doing. The last thing they have any control over in life may be getting rid of the help. Trying to understand how frightened they must be at this stage of their lives will help you have more patience with them. Also letting the grandparents know that the firing is not up to them anymore.Telling the help what to expect and not to take it personally may help as well. Does the grandparent need medication for the depression and anxiety they are most certainly dealing with?

[Anonymous]

I hope you have much better luck than I did.
Ultimately when it came down to my elderly parents’ safety, I had to basically have a fit/meltdown/tantrum to get them to move to a place where they could get help with meals.
(They wouldn’t allow strangers in the house, mom could no longer drive, etc). Mom was diagnosed with anxiety depression and dementia but Would not take medication for any of these things. It’s soooooo hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a problem for many families. I think the problem is a combination of the grandparent wanting to be taken care of by family instead of hired help, and also the fact that they’re in denial of the fact that they need help. I suspect they are also depressed and anxious about not being able to do the things they were always capable of doing. The last thing they have any control over in life may be getting rid of the help. Trying to understand how frightened they must be at this stage of their lives will help you have more patience with them. Also letting the grandparents know that the firing is not up to them anymore.Telling the help what to expect and not to take it personally may help as well. Does the grandparent need medication for the depression and anxiety they are most certainly dealing with?

While I emotionally understand what you are saying (new PP), how they feel doesn't matter. It does nothing to solve the physical problem of them needing help and her firing everybody. Try to tell the grandmother she can no longer fire people and I guarantee you she will do it anyway. Medication might help, or the side effects could make things worse. Time for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you have much better luck than I did.
Ultimately when it came down to my elderly parents’ safety, I had to basically have a fit/meltdown/tantrum to get them to move to a place where they could get help with meals.
(They wouldn’t allow strangers in the house, mom could no longer drive, etc). Mom was diagnosed with anxiety depression and dementia but Would not take medication for any of these things. It’s soooooo hard.

You are correct. I'm so angry right now and so frustrated I'm going to have to go down the meltdown path. I'm quite sure my mother is suffering from all three as well, and my father is not much better due to the effects of a stroke, but he's always pleasant. It's VERY hard. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

See if you can convince grandmother that the "help" isn't there for her, but for grandfather. Bring her into the selection process for the next caregiver (this doesn't mean total control - you pick a few you'd be happy with, then let her choose from those). A sense of being in control of her own life might help. Her job is to work with the caregivers to help the "hired help" help her husband.