Best support for a friend suffering from miscarriage

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who miscarried after informing those close to her, and she doesn’t yet have a child I am her one friend who had dealt with infertility, and have made peace with having one despite trying for a second after limited ART success. I haven’t personally dealt with miscarriage. For those who have, what’s the best thing someone other than your mom or husband could do for you?

[Anonymous]

Sorry my post was a mess- phone problems. She’s undergoing infertility treatment and I’m her only friend who has done the same.

[Anonymous]

Not sure the treatment part really matters in this context. A loss is a loss. Maybe take her for a pedicure or bring her takeout and a bottle of wine. Tell her you are there for her if she wants to talk or if she wants to do something to take her mind off it.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me earlier this year and it’s devastating. Just “showing up” means so much, OP, so thank you for being such a good friend and doing that. I don’t think there’s a lot of magic to it — just let her talk about it if she wants to, remember she’s probably feeling physically terrible too, and remind her there’s no time table to “feel better” and most importantly there is nothing she could have done to change the outcome. These things are beyond our control.

[Anonymous]

I went through this earlier this year. It is so unbelievably painful, especially when you are going through IVF, because you already feel unsure you'll ever get to a baby.

The things that helped the most were: coming over just to talk (or listen to me talk), bringing or ordering food (I couldn't even think about that and my body felt terrible) and most important to me, treating my loss as real. I felt like I had lost my baby - like losing a real person - and it meant a lot to me when friends treated my grief and loss with that seriousness. I also appreciated the cards that showed up weeks or months later.

As someone who has been through IVF, another way you can be especially helpful is being a good listener when she's ready to think next steps. In addition to the loss, thinking about doing this all over again just felt daunting. It was nice to talk people who knew the IVF lingo when it came time to decide what to do next.

[Anonymous]

As with any loss, people need time to grieve in their own way and on their own time. The best thing you can do for her is be there to listen if she wants to talk, hug her when she needs a hug, or just sit in silence with her if that's what she needs as well. Just be there. Let her know that you care. This is what helped me most when I lost our baby, knowing I had someone who cared and would just sit with me and love me despite how I was feeling. They let me be real with my feelings and weren't afraid to sit in the darkness with me. Other then that, there's not a whole lot else you can do!

[Anonymous]

22:03’a tips are spot on. As someone who had 3 heartbreaking losses, being there is so important. And a loss is a loss..it can be hurtful when folks try to make you feel better because it was an early loss. Hugs to your friend.