Advice Needed - Stick it out or transfer

[Anonymous]

DS was diagnosed with HFA at the start of the school year. He was attending a small private but his behavior got beyond what the school could support so we transferred over to our public elementary. We're starting the IEP/504 process (don't know which one yet since we can't tell how much of the behavior is deliberate vs symptomatic of the disability). School is also working on a behavior plan. All this takes time. Meanwhile, DC is disengaged, unhappy looking, and continuing to act out. DC has only been at his new school a few weeks.

DH wants to bail on public elementary and transfer to a SN school as soon as possible. I'm hesitant since we're just starting to get behavioral supports and outside therapies in place and, in my opinion, we'd just be rewarding the element of his behavior that gets him out of uncomfortable situations.

Just looking for any thoughts from those who have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

The last thing you should worry about in finding him the right school is whether you are rewarding "bad" behavior. Your child is miserable.

[Anonymous]

I agree with DH, its not going to get better and a constant battle with the school. If you can afford it, move him. If child is happy, he will be more successful.

[Anonymous]

He's acting out at least in part due to the environment. A better environment will give him a chance to learn better coping skills. Leaving him in a bad environment actually runs the risk of cementing his bad behavior because it's serving some sort of coping function for him. I mean, in your own life, think back to bad jobs or bad relationships you've been in. Would you seriously have made yourself stay in a bad situation just to learn to cope better?

[Anonymous]

What age, OP?

[Anonymous]

Haven't BTDT, but I have applied to a few special needs schools for my child and the process takes some time. I'd go ahead and start the process with any SN school you think might be a good fit (talk to the admissions office, take a tour, gather whatever documents they require to apply, and submit an application). Maybe by the time you get an acceptance at a SN school, you'll have a better idea of whether the public school will work for your son or not. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS was diagnosed with HFA at the start of the school year. He was attending a small private but his behavior got beyond what the school could support so we transferred over to our public elementary. We're starting the IEP/504 process (don't know which one yet since we can't tell how much of the behavior is deliberate vs symptomatic of the disability). School is also working on a behavior plan. All this takes time. Meanwhile, DC is disengaged, unhappy looking, and continuing to act out. DC has only been at his new school a few weeks.

DH wants to bail on public elementary and transfer to a SN school as soon as possible. I'm hesitant since we're just starting to get behavioral supports and outside therapies in place and, in my opinion, we'd just be rewarding the element of his behavior that gets him out of uncomfortable situations.

Just looking for any thoughts from those who have BTDT.

Not sure how he is acting out but ive wanted to bail on many situations where i thought my kid would never make it, where he had a terrible reputation and where he had embarrassed himself terribly.

We didn't and hes doing much better. Thats not to say you will have the same experience, of course.

I want to point out that he needs an iEP, not.a 504. Don't let them give you a 504 if he has a nueropsych stating he is HFA. They arent accountable under a 504.

In any case, depending on his functioning, you might want him to be in the least restrictive environment if you expect him to go on to college and work life. It is on them to make it work for him. If it will not work for him, the school district would pay for placement in private.

[Anonymous]

Work with the school you're in while looking at other schools.

Remember that there is no perfect fit. You as parents will always need to be engaged and communicate with teachers every year.

Remember that it takes time. It's only been a few weeks since diagnosis and working on an IEP (which I strongly recommend you insist on)! These things take months!

Your husband will have to grow a much thicker skin if the current situation is riling him up.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback. DS is 7 and his negative behavior pattern was cemented in first grade at a different school that became a really bad fit for him. We hired a psychologist to work with him and later with the school to address behavioral issues long before we understood that all wasn't as it appeared.

Public school has been supportive so far and we've arranged work schedules to not have to do after care, etc. I have no wish for him to suffer just to learn to cope; that's crazy. Just trying to figure out a somewhat saner path forward given that we've observed him modify negative behavior based on what's most effective for the environment and cease other negative behavior when it didn't yield results.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you both 13:35 and 14:00 for the IEP advice. I will follow it.

[Anonymous]

7 is still young enough that a nurturing environment could undo some of that negativity about school. The longer you keep him in an environment that's difficult the more psychological "damage" it will do.

He could do well in public with an IEP but that's a big gamble. It's more likely he'll do well in a SN private with the expertise to handle behaviors. If we could do it again and could afford it we would have put our child in a SN private or a small private instead of a big public school at that age. IME, you need to do as much as you can at a young age until your child builds up his confidence and skills. If you force your child to struggle at a young age he may never build up that confidence and those skills.

[Anonymous]

It has only been a few weeks at the school and the IEP isn't even completed yet. Transitions are hard. I wouldn't expect moving your child twice in the span of a few months would improve his behavior. Get the IEP and give it a chance. Then if you transfer, at least you have an IEP as a starting point.

So, I vote that you give the school a chance (and 2 weeks in a brand new school is not a chance).

[Anonymous]

For me I found that waiting in the public school for the IEP made sense. It took 5 months from showing up on their doorstep to get the official IEP.

But the principal was amazing. Within the first week he had started the IEP process. But the process, testing, and reporting takes time. While we were waiting, he out the 504 in place immediately. He also then set forth the accommodations that would eventually be documented in the IEP. So unofficially we had an IEP in place because of our principal.

The accommodations my son needed were beyond what the local school could provide. When we finally sat down at the IEP meeting, we were able to show that the following accommodations had occurred over 5 months and weren’t working. Combined with the test results, I got the placement that I wanted for my son.

By this time the school year almost over. The principal was kind enough to let my child finish out the year there so he didn’t have to transition again.

Give the process a chance to work OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meanwhile, DC is disengaged, unhappy looking, and continuing to act out. DC has only been at his new school a few weeks.

What does the acting out look like? Does he get sent out of the room or does someone have to come help or can the teacher handle it? If the teacher can handle it you could think about waiting it out. If the behavior requires help from another adult, I would look at a SN private until you figure out what's going on. "Acting out" can get a child suspended in public school.