How do we teach our girls to lift each other up instead of pulling each other down?

[Anonymous]

My daughter has been dealing with some mean girl drama in school which sucks. The other thread on the “prank” was heartbreaking. How can we as parents teach our girls that they need to look out for each other?
I was thinking of trying to bring a speaker in to talk to the girls at school but I don’t know if that would be worth it.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Mean girls have mean moms, who were mean girls when they were in school. Seen it time and time again, it is generational. You can't implore parents to teach their children differently, when the parents behavior is no better. I have approached certain mothers over the years when I have observed said behavior and their replay is predictable, "age appropriate and kids have to learn to walk away." Mean girl behavior will never go away.

[Anonymous]

Look into I Am That Girl. It is a teen and preteen educational nonprofit. Really empowering and supportive.

[Anonymous]

replay s/b reply

[Anonymous]

First, we need to stop thinking of it as a “girl” thing and instead as a “kid” thing. Boys can be just as awful to each other, but we are socially more accepting of it in boys (heck, in some cases we celebrate it) while holding girls to a higher standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean girls have mean moms, who were mean girls when they were in school. Seen it time and time again, it is generational. You can't implore parents to teach their children differently, when the parents behavior is no better. I have approached certain mothers over the years when I have observed said behavior and their replay is predictable, "age appropriate and kids have to learn to walk away." Mean girl behavior will never go away.

OP here
I don’t think this is always true. In our situation I contacted the mom involved and she was mortified. She and I sat down and talked about it and then made the girls talk to each other. My child was not completely innocent either so we had a long talk about it at home too.

[Anonymous]

Moms need to act differently.
When I go to neighborhood get togethers, I am always astonished of how many, many moms trash talk other people and gossip about other moms, families, whoever.

If they do this in public, I can only imagine of how they talk at home.

Kids emulate their parents behavior. Women need to stop the gossip and judgment, especially in front of their kids if they want it to change.

My kids are getting older now, and I see the girls turning out just like their moms. and I see the mean girl behavior perpetuate.

I work a lot, so I steer clear of a lot of this, and my daughters (of their own choice) steer clear of this as well

[Anonymous]

I always think it stems from insecurity, plus the euphoria humans feel from being part of a mob or a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms need to act differently.
When I go to neighborhood get togethers, I am always astonished of how many, many moms trash talk other people and gossip about other moms, families, whoever.

If they do this in public, I can only imagine of how they talk at home.

Kids emulate their parents behavior. Women need to stop the gossip and judgment, especially in front of their kids if they want it to change.

My kids are getting older now, and I see the girls turning out just like their moms. and I see the mean girl behavior perpetuate.

I work a lot, so I steer clear of a lot of this, and my daughters (of their own choice) steer clear of this as well

x10000

[Anonymous]

Salem, Mass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms need to act differently.
When I go to neighborhood get togethers, I am always astonished of how many, many moms trash talk other people and gossip about other moms, families, whoever.

If they do this in public, I can only imagine of how they talk at home.

Kids emulate their parents behavior. Women need to stop the gossip and judgment, especially in front of their kids if they want it to change.

My kids are getting older now, and I see the girls turning out just like their moms. and I see the mean girl behavior perpetuate.

I work a lot, so I steer clear of a lot of this, and my daughters (of their own choice) steer clear of this as well

x10000

I know several really kind, thoughtful moms whose daughters occasionally exhibit “mean girl” behavior. I’m starting to think this behavior is more natural than kind behavior, and certain girls just haven’t had it trained out of them. Many of them will be perfectly nice women one day and will be mortified (I hope) by their childhood behavior. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help the kids who are suffering through it now.

[Anonymous]

I know bullying is a problem for girls but if the research is correct it's an equal and perhaps greater problem for boys. Maybe I need to start my own thread on boys and bullying- but it never gets talked about the same way. Words like "hazing" and "sucking it up" etc are used.

A father told me that he encourages his sons to keep a low profile in MS so he doesn't attract confrontation. I do the same thing- I have to explain to my DS that there are people you come back at, people you ignore, and people you stay the hell away from because they are likely to become physical.

It's a culture among boys to bully- just like there are "mean girls" there are "mean boys." In some ways, it's worse- because some boys will take it to the next level with physical confrontation, getting right up in someone's face and yelling, remarks intending to be degrading about sexuality (we've already dealt with 6th graders using the word "gay" as an adjective among other things), etc.

None of this is to take away from girl bullying- it's a problem for both genders, but while I recognize male privilege, if there is one single area where boys are not supported as well, it's bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean girls have mean moms, who were mean girls when they were in school. Seen it time and time again, it is generational. You can't implore parents to teach their children differently, when the parents behavior is no better. I have approached certain mothers over the years when I have observed said behavior and their replay is predictable, "age appropriate and kids have to learn to walk away." Mean girl behavior will never go away.

No this is not true.

A lot of it is just immaturity (their brains are not fully developed) and they are pushing boundaries. Most girls engage in “some” type of mean behavior (even if it is something as simple as gossiping about a “friend” behind her back) but they grow up and see the error of their ways and stop.

[Anonymous]

I think we need to stop expecting girls to be nice.
Sure we shouldn’t tolerate meanness and bullying. But I can not get behind the idea that we must be pals and I need to support everything you do because you have a vagina. Women/ girls are all different, have different experiences and personalities. Women/ girls are people and some people are terrible and you should not be friends with them.

Teach, model, and demand respectful behavior . This includes demanding being treated with respect by others but drop this false sisterhood idea.

[Anonymous]

If your girl is in scouts, talk to the troop leader about doing some activities around this. GS has a lot of great material and programs about being supportive of other girls.

However, I also think that the mean girl clique types often drop out of scouts at middle school precisely because they don’t want to be in an activity where they aren’t allowed to be exclusionary.