Advice for dealing with family member with Reactive Attachment Disorder

[Anonymous]

I posted a similar question in the family section and was adviced to post here for a better response.

My brother adopted a little girl from E. Europe almost 2 years ago (she is now 7) and has been diagnosed with RAD. Since she came to live with my bro and SIL she's made big improvements in her speech and coordination, however, she has a disturbing pattern of manipulative behavior, particularly with my 3 younger children. For example she will smile, show affection, and pose of a camera in the presence of adults, but as soon as they are out of sight she is breaking other kids toys, encouraging violence between siblings, teasing pets etc without any remorse. They only indication that she shows something is wrong is to show affection towards adults once she's been caught. No form of punishment changes this behavior.

My brother has not shared this diagnosis with me personally. He and his wife have taken my niece out of any therapy or speech classes because they feel she's caught up now. They are in total denial and when I have approached them about her behavior towards my kids, their response is to show anger. They refuse to discuss her behavior or development.

I've decided at this point to limit our interactions at family gatherings and to not let our children interact with our niece unsupervised. We all live in different areas of the county, but meet up at our parents for holidays 3-4 times a year. They have a large house we all usually stay together, but this time I plan on getting a hotel room. With the upcoming holidays, I'm worried about how to best approach this without major conflict. How do I explain my or DH sudden presence with all the kids or no sleepers with cousins or staying at a hotel? I feel this is the best decision to protect my kids, especially one who is a particular target of my niece, however will be a huge change in my family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

You already posted this. Look, we get you hate the kid. Just be honest with your brother that you no longer want to see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already posted this. Look, we get you hate the kid. Just be honest with your brother that you no longer want to see her.

Same. I actually don't think this is the right board for you. OP, you seem to feel that your brother adopted a child with RAD on purpose to intimidate your children.

[Anonymous]

They are in total denial and when I have approached them about her behavior towards my kids, their response is to show anger. They refuse to discuss her behavior or development.

Given your judgemental attitude, do you really blame them for not wanting to share information with you? There really is no way that you can know whether someone you see three or four times a year is in denial about their kid's condition. And, while you may believe it is RAD, that may not, in fact, be the diagnosis.

These things being said, you are right that you need to protect your children if you find them in unsafe situations. The hotel is a great idea. Just tell your family that since your kids have gotten older, you think it will be easier if you stay in a hotel. And, then when you're around your family, just be sure that you take responsibility for the safety of your kids.

Your other alternative is to stay home and not visit when your brother visits.