Take what I can get or cut it off?

[Anonymous]

Over the summer an old flame and I rekindled our spark. We’d been in frequent contact - near daily texting, talking, and video chatting (we are long distance - like, 4000 miles long distance). We have plans to see each other in a few weeks and I’m planning on visiting him over the winter.

A few days ago he said he can not maintain the day to day interaction. He says that if it were anyone else, he would just cut it off - he says I feel like an addiction, and it feels like he has a girlfriend he never gets to see, and it’s incredibly frustrating to him. But he also said he values our connection and loves me, and wants to continue to maintain that (?).

I’m lost. I have no interest in dating or sleeping with anyone else - he is the benchmark for me. Is it better to take what I can get or cut him loose? I love him and would want to be together, in a perfect world.

[Anonymous]

Cut him loose. He's already looking for someone closer to him.

[Anonymous]

You kinda scared me with that "cut it off" part of the subject.

[Anonymous]

Either find a way to be together or break it off. A 4000 mile apart relationship isn't really a relationship.

[Anonymous]

perpetual long distance is in no way sustainable. cut him loose or consider upending your life to move to him with the possibility that he'll still say "no thanks."

[Anonymous]

Much of the answer rests with how old you are, where you are in your career etc. Saying "take what I can get" sounds a bit desperate. Are you? I agree with others that a 4000 mile relationship is difficult to maintain so you either find a way to be together or you break it off.

[Anonymous]

Start making plans to close that 4K mike gap. That is one he suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Are you his GF or not?

[Anonymous]

Well. Is it an option for him or you to move closer? or see each other more frequently? Because he's right, this is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

I had a relationship like this and we dated two years. We could see each other every 6-8 weeks or so. It was the most intense relationship I had ever had.

Looking back, it was not see specifically because it was long distance. That might be happening to you, but you won’t know it until long after you break up with him.

From my experience, your guy likely has a girlfriend or is about to. As soon as my guy promised to close the gap by moving closer to me, he broke up with me. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

start planning to move if you want to keep this guy. and make sure he would really want you to.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Rereading this, I can see how ridiculous this "quandary" is. I guess what I should be asking is whether I should stick to seeing him a few weeks from now. Beyond that I think it's obvious that I need to move on.

[Anonymous]

From the outside it's easy to see that he loves how it feels sometimes and he doesn't want to give that up. But it's also effort to him so he doesn't want to bother. In other words, when he wants it, you'll have him. When he doesn't, you won't.

Is that good enough for you?

[Anonymous]

If moving to him or him moving to you isn't an option, then you have to take what you can get or move on, that's your call. If you are considering the move, I'd have that conversation the next time you are together and be honest. Tell him you need him to be straight because moving 4000 miles is a serious decision.