dangerous dog in home of 11 yo DD's bestie

[Anonymous]

The dog was a cute puppy, but has become an aggressive to other dogs, cat killing beast the family can't even handle on leash. It dawned on me during a walk with the mom and kids today that this dog will eventually hurt someone, or another animal. It is a breed used for police, military, and guard dog work. She told me herself :"He has a high prey drive." She also told me story about the dog killing a neighbor's cat that entered their home.

I was severely bittern by a dog last year, and so was one of my kids in same incident. We don't trust or love cute dogs the way we used to. But I also have common sense.

I made an executive decision during the walk that my kids cannot go to this house anymore. EVER, as long as dog is on the property, kenneled or not.

How do I tell this to the already defensive mother, without harming the girls' friendship? You may know the type; "fierce" and will blah-blah-blah your ear off without pausing for breath or dialogue, about all of the parenting mistakes everyone is making. I am not friends with her myself, other than pleasant so our girls can enjoy their friendship.

They can play at my house anytime.

I'd love a scripted statement. Like : "My DD loves her friendship with your DD. We don't feel safe with the dog at your house. They are welcome to play at my place instead. The can not go to your house anymore due to dog concerns."

Or what? How much explaining do I have to do? This parent asks me all kinds of inappropriate things in front of kids, she demands to know stuff that is none of her business, without shame.

thanks

[Anonymous]

I would be honest.

If she loses that friendship it is far better tan losing her life, limb or face.

[Anonymous]

There isn't much to deliberate over here. Just say "No, the kids can't come over because they are afraid of the dog."

Oh they will keep dog locked in the kennel during playdate, you promise?

No, not coming over if the dog is there.

The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be honest.

If she loses that friendship it is far better tan losing her life, limb or face.

Thanks, I know this is correct. Just looking for the most friendship preserving way to navigate. They've been close friends since kinder.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to have the discussion? Why don't you just offer your home as an alternative every time the other mom talks about a playdate? IF the other mom asks, or insists that the girls play at her house, then you can tell her what you've said above. But I wouldn't start the discussion. Sometimes a passive (not passive aggressive) approach is okay and it may well be that this situation will resolve itself in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to have the discussion? Why don't you just offer your home as an alternative every time the other mom talks about a playdate? IF the other mom asks, or insists that the girls play at her house, then you can tell her what you've said above. But I wouldn't start the discussion. Sometimes a passive (not passive aggressive) approach is okay and it may well be that this situation will resolve itself in the meantime.

Hmm good point. Since they are 11 they are starting to initate play dates independent of us now, since we are neighbors and the kids are in classes together.

But yes, I can just offer to host. I need to make sure my kids don't go there, and I want her to know why, I guess. Mother is pushy and insistent, father is out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to have the discussion? Why don't you just offer your home as an alternative every time the other mom talks about a playdate? IF the other mom asks, or insists that the girls play at her house, then you can tell her what you've said above. But I wouldn't start the discussion. Sometimes a passive (not passive aggressive) approach is okay and it may well be that this situation will resolve itself in the meantime.

Hmm good point. Since they are 11 they are starting to initate play dates independent of us now, since we are neighbors and the kids are in classes together.

But yes, I can just offer to host. I need to make sure my kids don't go there, and I want her to know why, I guess. Mother is pushy and insistent, father is out of it.

Yes, you definitely need to do this part. Your kid/s are smart and probably have similar concerns. Just be explicit. When we had a similar situation, we told the kids that those friends were welcome here at our house but that they were never, ever to go to the other house or even the yard. We were surprised when our oldest expressed fear about the other family's dog and all the children seemed relieved; however, they did NOT want us/them to say anything to the other family and we agreed with them about it. The other family did end up giving the dog away to a rescue organization (somehow, I don't know how/why a rescue organization) so the situation resolved itself.

[Anonymous]

OP my DD of the same age told her best friend last year that she was deeply afraid of her dog and didn't think she should go to her house any more.

This "friend" has not spoken to my DD since, literally not spoken to her. She ignores her at school, not even a "hello" and I have not heard anything from the parents either.

So this is actually ok with us, the friend was very high maintenance and the dog was scary, but be prepared it may be a similar situation plays out for you, depending on the family. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to have the discussion? Why don't you just offer your home as an alternative every time the other mom talks about a playdate? IF the other mom asks, or insists that the girls play at her house, then you can tell her what you've said above. But I wouldn't start the discussion. Sometimes a passive (not passive aggressive) approach is okay and it may well be that this situation will resolve itself in the meantime.

Hmm good point. Since they are 11 they are starting to initate play dates independent of us now, since we are neighbors and the kids are in classes together.

But yes, I can just offer to host. I need to make sure my kids don't go there, and I want her to know why, I guess. Mother is pushy and insistent, father is out of it.

Yes, you definitely need to do this part. Your kid/s are smart and probably have similar concerns. Just be explicit. When we had a similar situation, we told the kids that those friends were welcome here at our house but that they were never, ever to go to the other house or even the yard. We were surprised when our oldest expressed fear about the other family's dog and all the children seemed relieved; however, they did NOT want us/them to say anything to the other family and we agreed with them about it. The other family did end up giving the dog away to a rescue organization (somehow, I don't know how/why a rescue organization) so the situation resolved itself.

Thanks for sharing. What a relief that the dog is gone from your friends' house. I think people don't realize a dog is threatening until really late into ownership. Concerning moments are excused as a one off incident. Thank you for the support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my DD of the same age told her best friend last year that she was deeply afraid of her dog and didn't think she should go to her house any more.

This "friend" has not spoken to my DD since, literally not spoken to her. She ignores her at school, not even a "hello" and I have not heard anything from the parents either.

So this is actually ok with us, the friend was very high maintenance and the dog was scary, but be prepared it may be a similar situation plays out for you, depending on the family. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter's friendship, and the stress you experienced.

Do you think the friendship would be have preserved if you'd done anything differently about how you informed the dog family?

I was planning to tell the parents myself, directly, so my DD doesn't appear to have anything to do with the decision. Both of my kids were relieved when I told them of my decision and seemed really accepting of it. this makes me think they were already scared of the dog.

Funny, this pal is ALSO high drama. Everything the family does is a total circus, and the poor child lies all the time to get what she wants. Any number of ridiculous incidents have made me feel a certain way about their friendship, irrespective of the dog. But odd coincidence.

thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Why anyone would have a liability like an aggressive dog in their home is beyond me. OP- you are making the right choice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP my DD of the same age told her best friend last year that she was deeply afraid of her dog and didn't think she should go to her house any more.

This "friend" has not spoken to my DD since, literally not spoken to her. She ignores her at school, not even a "hello" and I have not heard anything from the parents either.

So this is actually ok with us, the friend was very high maintenance and the dog was scary, but be prepared it may be a similar situation plays out for you, depending on the family. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter's friendship, and the stress you experienced.

Do you think the friendship would be have preserved if you'd done anything differently about how you informed the dog family?

I was planning to tell the parents myself, directly, so my DD doesn't appear to have anything to do with the decision. Both of my kids were relieved when I told them of my decision and seemed really accepting of it. this makes me think they were already scared of the dog.

Funny, this pal is ALSO high drama. Everything the family does is a total circus, and the poor child lies all the time to get what she wants. Any number of ridiculous incidents have made me feel a certain way about their friendship, irrespective of the dog. But odd coincidence.

thanks for sharing.

I think if I had informed the parents it would have been a very sticky situation indeed, I realize this only in retrospect because the response to my DD casually mentioning it was like they were mortally offended, worse than anything ever. Hence the silence. I guess the house full of crazy, un-neutered dogs comes before any kind of human friendship.

I don't recommend you go in there making a pronouncement about this. I would wait till you have a situation where you need to respond to a direct question about coming over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP my DD of the same age told her best friend last year that she was deeply afraid of her dog and didn't think she should go to her house any more.

This "friend" has not spoken to my DD since, literally not spoken to her. She ignores her at school, not even a "hello" and I have not heard anything from the parents either.

So this is actually ok with us, the friend was very high maintenance and the dog was scary, but be prepared it may be a similar situation plays out for you, depending on the family. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter's friendship, and the stress you experienced.

Do you think the friendship would be have preserved if you'd done anything differently about how you informed the dog family?

I was planning to tell the parents myself, directly, so my DD doesn't appear to have anything to do with the decision. Both of my kids were relieved when I told them of my decision and seemed really accepting of it. this makes me think they were already scared of the dog.

Funny, this pal is ALSO high drama. Everything the family does is a total circus, and the poor child lies all the time to get what she wants. Any number of ridiculous incidents have made me feel a certain way about their friendship, irrespective of the dog. But odd coincidence.

thanks for sharing.

I think if I had informed the parents it would have been a very sticky situation indeed, I realize this only in retrospect because the response to my DD casually mentioning it was like they were mortally offended, worse than anything ever. Hence the silence. I guess the house full of crazy, un-neutered dogs comes before any kind of human friendship.

I don't recommend you go in there making a pronouncement about this. I would wait till you have a situation where you need to respond to a direct question about coming over.

Good pint- why be confrontational with voilatile persons if not needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be honest.

If she loses that friendship it is far better tan losing her life, limb or face.

A former coworker of mine was a stunning woman, with the exception of a giant scar from a dog bite on her forehead.

She had plastic surgery on it a couple of times to make it better, but it is still very noticible, even with makeup.

Don’t let that be your daughter. Also, imagine that if your daughter were to sustain a similar injury, she might blame you for it later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be honest.

If she loses that friendship it is far better tan losing her life, limb or face.

A former coworker of mine was a stunning woman, with the exception of a giant scar from a dog bite on her forehead.

She had plastic surgery on it a couple of times to make it better, but it is still very noticible, even with makeup.

Don’t let that be your daughter. Also, imagine that if your daughter were to sustain a similar injury, she might blame you for it later in life.

Oh gosh, when I was growing up, a neighbor had a gash on her neck from a dog bite. If you lose the friendship over this, simply consider that your problem’s solved.