Has anyone successfully gotten into the hosting cycle?
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Anonymous
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We're poised to spend yet another holiday at my MIL/FIL's house. They very much love hosting and have everything "set." They do it the same way every year. I will say, it's lovely, and I also will say that my MIL has graciously allowed me to bring a dish or two now after many years of me begging to do so.
But I'm at the point where I want to host. Yes, I know it's a lot of work. But I already successfully have hosted events for my own family. I'd like my ILs to come and visit us for a change, if only so we don't have to deal with traveling during such a crazy time with two kids in school. MIL and FIL are retired, healthy, and would only be looking at about a 3-hour drive. We told them we can welcome them whenever--they can arrive whenever, leave whenever. But still. It's tradition, they invite their neighbors, blah blah. I'm resigned to this Thanksgiving, but they are also expecting us for Easter (Christmas is with my family this year), and DH and I are thinking about telling MIL/FIL that we're hosting Easter, they're welcome to come, but we understand if they can't. I'm not saying I never want to do another holiday with them at their house; I'm just saying we want to host sometimes. Has anyone else successfully dealt with this? |
Anonymous
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Every detail of this story is identical to my family dynamic!
The only luck we've had was that on my family's year for Thanksgiving, my parents invited my inlaws. I hosted everything. My inlaws had lots of issues they brought up "what about uncle joe? What about the grandparents?" because they host other family who wouldn't be able to travel to us. Uncle Joe and the grandparents liked Thanksgiving at their other grandkid's houses so much that they wanted to do it every year. It's DH's siblings who don't want to have us host holidays more than my inlaws though. I'm hoping to ask my SIL to host a holiday next year to mix things up. We've never been to her house because we always go to MILs. My family has zero issue rotating who hosts. It's just strange in DH's family that no one ever rotates. His parents don't like to travel though and all their kids live in different states. |
Anonymous
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You don't have to make it about "hosting", just say "We decided to not travel for Easter this year, we'd love for you to join us at our house if you're free!"
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Anonymous
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I’m saying this for others since it looks like you missed the boat on this:
The easiest time to change the hosting dynamic is after your first child is born. Stay home that year for Christmas and Thanksgiving. After that if you do go to family for holidays it becomes a treat, a bonus visit, something special that you’re doing. Otherwise you get stuck in the dynamic where if you stay home one year, you’re taking something away from the grandparents or depriving them of something they’re entitled to. Also, if you never take a break after your kids are born they will never appreciate how much work and effort you’re putting into traveling to them. Just my .02 |
Anonymous
From someone that missed the boat- I 100% agree. |
Anonymous
They should put this advice in "what to expect when you're expecting"! For us I think it will have to be "now that we have two kids, we stay home for holidays" as the rule. wish me luck. |
Anonymous
Same here. We're trying it this year with 2 kids. I'm sure it will go over like a lead balloon. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, we did that with our second kid. Basically put out notice that we'd been traveling for the holidays since we left for college, and we were done with that for awhile. My parents and ILs alternate who comes for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Your plan to start it at Easter makes total sense. Let them see that you're serious, and let them know that Christmas is at your house next year (it will be their turn for Christmas, yes?). Remember, now matter how the ILs do it and what their traditions are, you and your DH are past due to establish your own traditions if that's what you want to do. You are in no way obligated to replicate what your ILs do when they come to you--but ask if they want to prepare their favorite side dish and/or dessert. |
Anonymous
| I will never understand these people who are waiting for permission to host. If you want to do it, just do it! Invite whoever, don’t be upset if they would rather their own tradition. You do not need permission to stay home and serve dinner in your own house! |
Anonymous
My Dh wanted to host too, but he wasn't willing to just have Christmas or Thanksgiving by ourselves in our own home. He wanted to host and have his parents come. |
Anonymous
| This may be beside the point, but you could pick another random holiday to host gathering, so that way the stakes are lower, you can show them how gracious you all are and then you have another fun tradition that could migrate into other holidays. So maybe not Easter, but say 4th of July or (whatever other holiday you celebrate). We've starting hosting random smaller holidays, but I'm not so keen on taking over the larger ones - our house is smaller and we both work FT... |
Anonymous
That's setting yourself up to be not important to host big holidays. I want to host the big holidays to create new traditions for my children and to do holidays up big. I'd love to put up a tree and see my kids open presents under it on Christmas morning. |
Anonymous
This. We made the decision many years ago to stop traveling for Thanksgiving and Easter since we also visit family for Christmas and during the summer. Anyone is welcome to come to us. Some family from both sides came over 10 years ago but haven’t since. Now we love having quiet time at home. The offer is always open to anyone, including our siblings, nieces and nephews. We put our foot down and can’t be the only ones always traveling. Our house is bigger than anyone’s on both sides and still no one comes because holiday travel is hard. |
Anonymous
| Just do your own thing. Invite who you want but don't get upset if no one shows. This is what I did when I first got married. No one showed up to my first thanksgiving. It was just my husband and I. 7 years later I get in-laws, my family and friends. It really depends on other obligations. I also don't offer to host every year. |
Anonymous
| We simply started treating their expectations/demands as gracious invitations. “We won’t be able to join you this year; we’re celebrating in our home. You’re welcome to join.” |