anyone else feeling isolated w/ this ttc business?!! sharing our stories

[Anonymous]

thinking how isolating this whole ttc thing can be and thought I'd see if anyone wanted to start a thread for sharing our stories?

I'm about a year into trying, with a few months of "lets just not worry about birth control" to now "temping and timing". I haven't done any fertility treatments perse but have taken some herbs and my MD put me on a specialized hormone cream (and is now having me wean off). as of late my temps are looking nice and steady. and most months we have been pretty good about BD on the right days. I have little to no egg white CM (working on that). my DH hasn't yet has his sperm checked but we will be in December. We are both under quite a bit of stress (moved to DC from NYC last year. Moving to Europe in December!!). Also I was denied health coverage (yes because I'm allergic to gluten and have had a yeast infection before!) so looking forward to European health care and also just getting to settle into ONE place for a while. We are both 27 and really looking forward to starting a family. the ttc is definitely taking a tole on our sex life though (sigh) but we are keeping perspective as best we can and enjoying one another most of the time. I have really enjoyed the book "taking charge of your fertility" but also have done SOOO much reading its starting to stress me out thinking about all the things "I need to do" or "shouldn't do"... so I decided to take a few months and just let things be. We have decided to take this process slow (as we are still pretty young) not doing anything more than just trying the old fashioned way for another six months (unless DH's sperm comes back funky) and then see where we are.

I know there are a lot of women who are doing a lot more and many who are doing less to try and conceive. Anyhow I feel like sometimes its nice to hear other women's experiences with this whole process (and see people's charts if they feel like sharing them)

here is my chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/277aa4

thanks ladies. sending baby making vibes to everyone!

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but curious as to why no one is biting on this? Too personal? Driven crazy by the use of "BD" (a ridiculous term if ever there was one)? For me, it's because I think my story wouldn't really cut it around here. We've been pretty okay but had mild challenges.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what BD means.

To answer the PP's question, I think no one is biting b/c the challenges on this list are perhaps more extensive than OPs. Not to be mean -- this is tough for everyone -- but my sense is that most on this list are on a lot more serious, expensive, and time consuming treatments. A lot of those kinds stories are already on this list, and, I don't know what kind of person OP is, but you may or may not want to read those stories. To be 27, I'm not sure some of our stories (been TTC on rounds of IUIs and then rounds of IVF)... are going to be helpful or comforting.

Best of luck. TTC can be isolating, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally feel your isolation, sadly I have faced with this forum that many women won't respond to you if your question doesn't relate to fertility treatments. It's ridiculous since we are all working towards the same goal but every time I have posted questions about ttc and they didn't mention ivf or shady grove for example no one answered.

[Anonymous]

I'll bite, since I'm not doing IVF or any formal fertility tx. Soon to be 34 y.o., started TTC #2 almost 14 mos ago. Had a m/c and D&C 3 months ago at 10 weeks after we saw the heartbeat - two weeks later, no heartbeat, and it appeared not to have grown past the time we saw it. So, 3 months later, now my periods seem to be back to where they were pre-pregnancy.

So, it took us 7 mo to conceive #1, 9 months for the second pregnancy... and now I'm three months into trying again. I'm surrounded by people in my family, and friends, who have just given birth, or are due around the same time I would have been early next year. This is really painful.

I haven't crossed the "35 y.o. line" yet... so, going by that rule of thumb, I should give this another year. I do know that part of the reason it takes so long is b/c DH travels a lot and has a stressful job. It's hard to make it happen when he's not even in town, or worse, just plain too exhausted to perform. And I feel bad about that. But I also feel angry sometimes. Last month, I was so irritated we couldn't make it happen b/c he was so stressed and tired.

And then I wonder if this is all meant to be. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child. But I want my DC to have a sibling so badly. I had two. It meant a lot to me.

I do have one dear friend who has been doing fertility tx for over 4 years who just announced her pregnancy. So, it gives me hope.

But yes, I do feel isolated. I hate that I react with mixed emotions to every pregnancy I hear about. I see PG women on the street and year to be one of them. I see little infants in strollers and want so badly to have another of my own. I saw a mother breastfeeding in a doctor's office recently and felt pain in my own chest.

This is hard stuff.

[Anonymous]

My full story is too long and depressing to recount (2.5 years TTC, one year of treatments with 2 failed IVFs, starting IVF number 3). I just turned 33 so I really wasn;t expecting it to be this hard. I do relate to the isolation that you are all feeling. This is kind of a random example, but I used to love Halloween. My neighbors always throw a block party and we get tons of trick or treaters. But each of the past two years I've thought "maybe next year I'll have a baby to take with me." This year I just want to go to the movies so I don't have to face all the young families. Also, I have two co-workers who are pregnant (and had no trouble getting pg) and everyone keeps coming by to visit them saying "how are you feeeeling? Being pregnant is soooo hard" -- I could wring their necks... And of course I have no fertility coverage so I've spent $37,000 so far (although much of it for shared risk).

OP, have you thought about joining a support group (or two)? I've found that to be really helpful and it's made me and DH feel much less isolated.

[Anonymous]

Poster 13:38...I feel like I could have written your post! Not to sound creepy but I wish we knew each other! So glad to know I am not alone in all of this...we're the same age and yes, I am surprised I am going through all of this. I've also spent almost as much as you have = why I can't afford to buy furniture for the house I purchased last year! Its so sad how the money thing really places its limits on how you can build your family.

I feel the same about Halloween too! It used to be my favorite holiday, now I am dreading it. I plan to spend the evening in bed with my dog reading a favorite book. I just can't stomach all the cute kids and parents in their costumes while knowing that there is a chance I may never be one of those parents watching their kid trick or treat.

I would like to attend a support group but wasn't sure if there were any for just women, not couples. My husband is very supportive but I know he would not feel comfortable attending a group because he is the reason why we are having to go through fertility treatments to begin with. We have moved onto donor sperm and I know he is very embarrassed to talk about it openly with strangers. But I could definitely use some female comraderie!

Thanks so much OP for starting this thread! It actually is going to help me get through today...I am 7dp a back to back IUI with clomid/injectbles and the 2ww is killing me! Everything went perfect (got 3 great sized follies) but I have a feeling it didn't work because the thawed sperm had poor motility and my BBT is a bit low so knowing that is making this waiting game that much harder!

Good luck everyone! Hope we all experience our miracles soon so we can get out of this TTC business! It stinks!

[Anonymous]

OP - why are you waiting to have your DH tested? It is a pretty simple and inexpensive test and would shed a lot of light on what is going on.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
thanks for posting everyone its just nice to hear whatever people feel like sharing from any part of the infertility spectrum and for those of you who don't feel like writing out your whole story, i also understand.

and to answer the previous posters question about why we haven't gotten my DH a sperm check: if it had been all up to me I would have had it done months ago, but my dh felt like he just wanted to try a bit longer : ) and also he is canadian so we decided that when we went back in december he would do it then... for free. But yes, definitely time for a sperm check. and I also haven't had much testing done, just a hormone test, but no deep looks at what's going on in my reproductive organs or anything. We don't really have enough money at the moment to do extensive fertility treatments. My family said that if it gets to that point that they would certainly help me out but I feel like because I'm so young (and also we are open to adoption) that I don't want to rush. maybe that's foolish. But we are also waiting until we get to Europe before I do more testing, as it will be free or at least more affordable and we are still just one poor postdoc and a nanny/postpartum doula over here.

and of course right after I wrote this (I was at 14dpo) I got my period a day later. and today I broke down in tears while my DH was walking me to work (yes, I was one of those women crying on the street with her mascara everywhere!) and told DH that with the upcoming move and feeling so knocked down (as opposed to feeling knocked up!!!) from ALL these months of trying so hard, that I just needed to take a break from the charting and the timing, until we get some more tests done... I think I've been in denial a bit... we've being actively trying for a year but actually threw away the condoms almost a year before that as we knew we'd be having kids sometime in the near future and decided to leave things up to chance....

no chance though. funny, I feel like I've always intuitively known getting pregnant would be hard for me. never an irregular period or pap... just a feeling. and its a big step for me to let myself take a little breather... get my sex life back on track... and try again soon. I don't really have the option of feeling too sad or resentful when I see a new mom or a baby as its my work, but for me its really started to feel like I'm not a "real" woman or something. and all those years of trying NOT to get pregnant just feels like a crock of shit now! (although i guess its not a crock for everyone : P)

I'm learning a lot here. but wow is it sad sometimes.

[Anonymous]

" I just needed to take a break from the charting and the timing, until we get some more tests done."

This is why I suggested getting DH tested now, because you sound like this is really getting to you. Plus, you shouldn't be blaming yourself or putting so much pressure on yourself when the problem could be your DH. Would he reconsider, now that he's seen how stressed and upset you are? Otherwise, I would try to find a support group to go to here at least a few times before you move to help you get your bearings.

I didn't begin TT&C until I was 35, but even at that age I was surprised when things didn't happen quickly or easily for us. It's just hard to accept that something that comes so easily to others doesn't for you. There are a lot of difficult emotions that come with infertility - grief, anger, shame, disappointment, sadness - along with the sometimes conflicting emotion of hope. They are not easy to handle, and certainly not easy to handle alone. And, these feelings are not easily understood except by those who have experienced IF - even our DHs, who are affected in their own way, don't feel things like we do.

[Anonymous]

Poster 13:38 here. OP, I'm glad you started this thread. Hang in there! I have to say, in a strange way I found the year of trying on our own to be just as stressful (if not more so) than the past year of treatments. I hated BBT charting (I used to have nightmares that I got out of bed in the morning w/out taking my temp) and it was hard on our sex life. At least during treatments, you have an RE and a nurse to help you. So just know that it totally makes sense for you to be stressed and miserable right now.

Poster 14:09 (and anyone else), Resolve has women-only support groups and support groups for couples. Mine is a couples support group, but several women come without their husbands. YOu can get more info on the Resolve website. I also go to a monthly meditation/supoort group that is great. It's run by the accupucturist at Heal from Within (www.heal-from-within.com -- click on the workshops link and then scroll down). I would highly recommend one of these groups -- they are the only thing that has kept me (semi) sane during this process. I'll be thinking of you on Halloween...

[Anonymous]

OP here.
yeah, it really is hard not to put all the pressure on what my body is doing wrong or can't do or wont do... and its really hard to stop doing it!!

I am actually feeling really good about making the decision to take a little break. it feels good to have a plan: my DH will get his sperm checked at the beginning of december and then we will move across the world!!! and once we get our bearings and settle in, we can start getting some tests done/ start trying again.

but what are the tests exactly? I really have no idea? like, what do you start with? what tests are more extensive? I'm an information and planning kind of person so I like knowing what is what and what all the options are.

and then there is the telling people: I've told two friends, my sister and my mom. I choose those two friends because I knew that they wouldn't be weirded out by it being a tough road for me but also excited if I were to get pregnant. I struggled to tell my mom and still kind of do as I thought she'd take more of an interest and check in with me and see how things are going, but she doesn't. Likely she is just trying to let me have my privacy but from my end it seems like she is disinterested. and I just recently told my sister, who has actually been great to talk to about it and has just been curious about what its like to have it not happen.

so basically I've chosen to tell people who, one, need to be up to date with my life (my mom and sis) and two, people who can be relaxed about this whole process that I'm going through, are interested and not bothered by knowing some quite personal and sometimes awkward information. but then there are the friends that I haven't told. and mostly because I'm just not sure if they would feel comfortable knowing. I guess that sometimes its alright to omit something like this and know that we can share and talk about other things, until it IS the right time to share. I'm just not generally a private person so I'm not used to keeping things to myself, but I am a respectful person, so I'm learning to do some gauging of what peoples comfort levels might be. Who do you ladies share this info with? who do you not?

and to poster 9:21: at first I loved taking my bbt. it was really informative and interesting and my DH thought it was pretty cool too. but the last month or two I've definitely had some dreams about not being able to reach the thermometer, or moving too much and f'ing up the temp or something annoying like that. I did however learn that I am indeed ovulating (which before I started taking me temp, was questioning) so that was reassurance times a million.

and to 9:49 thanks for the support group idea. sometimes this whole online world is strange but it really does bring large groups of people together in ways that I've never been able to in the real world. I'll check those out too.

[Anonymous]

To poster 13:38/9:49...thank you so much for the info on the support groups! I will certainly look into them. And I'll be thinking of you on Halloween too! Hang in there! From poster 14:09

[Anonymous]

To OP's question at 11:48 about sharing ... it's very individual. For me, I found the support of a couple friends and my mom great; other folks didn't know what to say, clammed up, and I felt like they didn't understand how upset I was and were being insensitive.

Also, at this point in the process -- it's tough, but it could get tougher. Do you want to share what ultimately might be "wrong"? Like, how would DH feel if it comes down to be a low sperm count and your gal pals know that about him? What if you ultimately decide to do donor egg/donor sperm -- would you want everyone to know? Down the road, how would you want to tell your child and how does that jive with telling friends/family?

So, I felt guarded from the onset before all the testing was done b/c I knew once I started down a path, it might be hard to stop sharing. I'm generally pretty open too, but there's a lot of judgmental jerks out there, and I just didn't want to expose myself to them.

It's hard -- just when you need some support from friends, this is a thing that made me pull back a bit. but that's just me. Good luck.