Is this friendship over?
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Anonymous
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I am wondering what to do about a long-time friend. She and I met in high school, and we've been close ever since - until about a year or so ago. Over the past few years she has had some chronic pain issues arise. It has gotten worse and worse as they cannot find the source of her pain or really treat it. Eventually she stopped working and going to most social events. I was able to be a friend for most of it, coming to her place to cook dinner and checking in and trying to be there, but about a year and a half ago, I had a son. My first few months with DS were hard - I suffered from PPD and was lost in my own world for a while. I was a terrified new mom.
Around the time I had DS, this friend had an episode of serious pain and was hospitalized. When he was about two weeks old she wanted me to come visit. I was BFing every hour or so and felt to overwhelmed/anxious to leave DS to make the hour drive and didn't want to take the new baby to the hospital. I felt bad that I couldn't be there, but my world was my DS and DH at that time. I was consumed by new motherhood, if that makes any sense? What I didn't realize is that it would create a large rift between us that, over a year later, hasn't healed. She eventually told me that she felt I wasn't there for her and that I was selfish, and I told her that it was awful timing, but that I wasn't in a place to be a support system for anyone but my baby at that time. I think she wanted more of an apology? Maybe I should have been more sorry at the time - but a part of me was angry that I was expected to leave my infant? I think I held on to that anger a bit and was able to see a pattern in our friendship - which is that, whenever I developed a new, close relationship, she got passive aggressive with me and expected me to drop everything to nurture our relationship. The difference this time is that, while I've been willing to sometimes put boyfriends second, and to explain her personality to my husband, my son will always, always come first, by a longshot. This time, the guilt I felt over making her upset with me didn't outweigh my need to put my son first. She did call a few months back to tell me that she felt our relationship was deteriorating - that I hadn't been there for her. I told her that I also felt it, and wanted to fix it, but I didn't know how to help because I'd been checking in and offering to drop off food or clean or run errands, but she didn't really seem as though she wanted those things or to really talk to me, and I didn't know what I could do - I needed her to help me know. I felt awkward when we did get together because we would talk about her pain and updates and appointments, but then run out of things to talk about. I didn't feel like she wanted to hear about DS, and that's just really most of what my life is made up of right now. Things are sort of the same now - I consistently check in via text and try to bring over food and ask if I can do anything, but she's basically told me she will reach out when she is less busy with doctors etc. I know this means that she is telling me she's not interested in a friendship with me, as I have offered to simply drop off food and not come in- so business is an excuse. But honestly, I feel a little relieved - and then horribly guilty, because what kind of person allows a friendship to end when that friend is in pain? I guess I don't know what I'm asking, maybe if I should try harder? Or is it too late? Or is it possible that this was never really that good a friendship in the first place and the changes in both our lives brought that out? |
Anonymous
| Drop her. I have never heard of such a one sided friendship in my life. |
Anonymous
| selfish, immature, etc. |
Anonymous
OP or the friend? |
Anonymous
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How much do you value this relationship/how much abuse are you willing to endure for the sake of it?
It sounds like she needed you at a time you weren't able to be there for her, for totally legitimate reasons. (I'd add that this is one of the things I hated about being single, before I got married - needing things from people for whom someone else was the primary person in their lives; it's humiliating to be in that position, and no fun at all to need things you can't get.) And now she holds a grudge. You've tried to get her over that - she's resisted. You might be able to wheedle or beg your way back in. Do you really want to? Do you want to give this person what she is asking for? It sounds like you want her to be a normal friend, and she wants you to be a primary person in her life. |
Anonymous
the friend, of course. |
Anonymous
| Op -- You both expect way too much from each other. Way too much. |
Anonymous
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You've done more than enough. It's totally reasonable for your child to come first. TOTALLY reasonable for you to not leave your newborn to help an ADULT friend. Doesn't she have any other friends? What was she doing FOR YOU when you were a new mother?
Dump her. |
Anonymous
I think I do want her to be a "normal" friend. I am not going to beg - because that would be indicating that I'm willing to put her needs over DS or DH or my own. I should mention, she is married, not single. I think she is just used to me filling a certain role or behaving a certain way and having a kid changed my priorities. |
Anonymous
| PP here. Call her once every 2 weeks. Talk for 20minutes. See how that goes. If it's pleasant, start seeing each other, say, every 2 weeks for an hour or two. Do not rely on each other for emergencies or deeply emotional sharing --- neither of you can handle that right now --- it's not appropriate for the amount either of you can invest. Life gets in the way. It should. That's what happens in an emotionally healthy life. |
Anonymous
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Text her pictures of you and the baby...
See what her reaction is. |
Anonymous
At this point. I think that is not a great idea. |
Anonymous
If OP is uncertain about status of friendship this is an easy litmus test. |
Anonymous
This is a good idea. If it does not work out, then you can fade away. |
Anonymous
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I personally feel that you have been a very good friend to her, yet somehow that is just not enough for her.
And that is just too bad. For her. Once you had your baby, it was very selfish of her to truly expect you to leave your child to suit her own needs. That is a clear sign that she truly believes that she is the center of the universe. I would just let her go. She obviously does not have your best interests at heart - Only her own. 
Who needs that in their lives?? You can find better friends for sure. Good luck! |