Coping when you've been dealing with infertility for 4 + years

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with secondary infertility (which I know is a different emotional experience than primary), and have been trying to get pregnant with a second child unsuccessfully for 4 years now. I have decreased ovarian reserve and multiple infertility treatments were unsuccessful. We are now just trying on our own until I go into menopause. Between my age (39) and DOR issues (which are mild) my chances of ever getting pregnant again are extremely low.

The emotional pain and turmoil has diminished somewhat over this journey as my daughter gets older, but I am still sad every day and talking to pregnant women/hearing about pregnancies makes me feel really sad and depressed. Most of my good friends are either pregnant with #2 or have newborns/infants, and I am avoiding them. I tried therapy but it did not help at all. I feel like I don't have great coping skills for this and I do not know a single person who also has secondary infertility to talk to, which is the hardest part about all this. Everyone else I know (even those over 40) got pregnant with their second right away, I'm the only one who can't.

[Anonymous]

I hear ya...39 and supposedly I have DOR but all of my numbers are good. Friends around me are getting pregnant--some older. One just did donor egg and I'm even jealous of her. I am going to try for the next 6 months....maybe a few retrievals ( perform well in aspects but no blasts, ever. We don't know why) and another IUI. After 6 months of trying and then being 40, I will look into donor egg.

Something that has helped me is to think about why you want another baby:
You want to be pregnant again,
You want to have another genetically linked baby,
You want a sibling for your 1st,
You want to be a mom to another child.

Think about the why and how to accomplish it to these and it will lead you to what you need to do next.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did research donor egg, gestational surrogate and also adoption extensively but am not comfortable going forward with any of them and since we are so financially drained from multiple IVFs that weren't covered by insurance we are not in a position financially to consider most of these options. I'm trying to come to terms with having an only and the fact that my fertility has left and will never return. It's especially difficult because I got pregnant with my daughter right away and had a fantastic, easy pregnancy and delivery, so having so much difficulty this time around is hard to wrap my mind around.

Some days are better than others but I still feel sad every day that I can't have a biological second child.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, there are lots of us with 2ndary infertility. I tried for 3 years (6 stimulated IVFs and 2 NCIVFs) and just did a DE transfer. My first was so easy, but we were just really lucky b/c we have severe MF and now crappy egg quality. I knew pretty quickly that I was comfortable with having a child using a DE, but I will say that it took a significant amount of time to feel comfortable with the details of the process (finding the right donor, procedural ethics - we opted for a known donor as a result). I have a friend who is also dealing with secondary. She decided to quit trying after having a bunch of miscarriages. I also know someone who did DE about 13 years ago, and 3 others currently struggling with IF, 1 of whom has secondary IF. I'm pretty open (other than with work people), but certainly don't announce it. However, I don't think I'd know of any of these people, other than maybe my close friend, if they didn't know about me first.

I'm not sure I could keep going after a certain point as you are. I'd be hopeful every month and then, even though I'd be expecting it not to work out, I'd still be a little disappointed. I already know that takes its toll on me. I'd need to have the mindset that I was done to really feel like I could move on and be free from the worry and disappointment. But, I'm not sure I'll ever not feel a little something at certain times when I think about how this didn't go perfectly. It'll just be less as time goes by. (I think I can be happy and love a child and celebrate his/her origins, but still recall the feelings of such a difficult journey).

[Anonymous]

Hi- I’m sorry you are dealing with infertility issues. I understand the frustration you are going through because I also went through infertility treatments. It took us 2 years before I became pregnant.

I have a friend who went through secondary infertility, they tried for 10 years before she became pregnant. She was 37 when she conceived with their second baby. I hope you will not lose hope. I pray for peace as you wait for your precious child. Please stay strong. You are in my prayers, take care.

[Anonymous]

What worked after 10 years of trying?