Yom Kippur as reason to forgive

[Anonymous]

In-laws have done some pretty horrific things to DH. They wrote him an email and basically said that they atoned so he has to forgive. They didn't apologize.

He said no thank you, leave me alone.

I just don't get it -- they know they were in the wrong and clearly know it which is why they are atoning during the high holidays. Why don't they just say sorry?

Why are they using Yom Kippur as basically a get out of jail free card - no need to apologize?

I'm sad for DH. I just don't get why his parents are so childish.

I'm staying out of it but please explain -- why do people refuse to apologize when they know they were wrong.

DH is nothing like them -- quick to apologize and make amends. His parents would rather not talk to their only child then just say sorry.

[Anonymous]

No, they are supposed to apologize and ask for forgiveness. You can’t just say “I have atoned, you now owe me forgiveness.”

[Anonymous]

Nope, sorry. I don’t forgive without an apology. But by all means, do whatever makes your life easier. Just know they don’t and will never respect you, and they’ll know they can walk all over you.

[Anonymous]

That’s very manipulative

[Anonymous]

imho, apologies are shown, not said. Don't say "I'm sorry" - show that you are behaving differently.

My family members also try and guilt trip (ie, manipulate) me to forgive another family member who has anger and other issues. I'd be happy to do so, if they really changed. Saying "sorry" a hundred times without change is pointless.

And OP, people refuse to apologize for all sorts of reasons - pride, ego, stubbornness, convinced that they're right and justified in their ill treatment of another person.

[Anonymous]

He should tell his parents to reread the prayer book again. Not once, not twice, but probably close to ten times, do we read about what atonement means.

You can ask God for forgiveness for your infractions against God.

You have to ask the victim for forgiveness for your sins against them.

[Anonymous]

It's best to laugh about it, OP. Your husband can say: "How funny that you think you can ask me to forgive you. Have a nice life."

[Anonymous]

Look I'm not Jewish but I'm pretty sure that is not how atonement is supposed to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In-laws have done some pretty horrific things to DH. They wrote him an email and basically said that they atoned so he has to forgive. They didn't apologize.

They are clearly not very good Jews. You are supposed to apologize and pray for forgiveness. You do not pray for atonement and demand forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

You can't ask G-d to forgive you for a wrong you have done another person. You have to ask forgiveness of that person. The religion is very clear on this.

[Anonymous]

Heartbreaking! What is wrong with parents nowadays? My preschool children are more mature. I don't understand why grown adults think they can go around and act like bullies and there are no consequences. I am sorry that you and your husband are dealing with these bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In-laws have done some pretty horrific things to DH. They wrote him an email and basically said that they atoned so he has to forgive. They didn't apologize.

He said no thank you, leave me alone.

I just don't get it -- they know they were in the wrong and clearly know it which is why they are atoning during the high holidays. Why don't they just say sorry?

Why are they using Yom Kippur as basically a get out of jail free card - no need to apologize?

I'm sad for DH. I just don't get why his parents are so childish.

I'm staying out of it but please explain -- why do people refuse to apologize when they know they were wrong.

DH is nothing like them -- quick to apologize and make amends. His parents would rather not talk to their only child then just say sorry.

Uh, sure you are. Wives always stay out of stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

I'm not responding to PP because I just don't get it. How did I interfere? First email, DH bcc me on his reply to his mom's one line email (We atoned so you have to forgive us) where he literally wrote one line "No thank you leave me alone". I said nothing (didn't even reply or talk to him AT ALL).

Today, he got another email. Again, I'm bcc-ed on the reply.

FIL wrote "Yesterday's sermon was about what it means to be Jewish. To be Jewish, you have to reconcile and forgive. You need to reconcile with us.".

This time, DH wrote "please leave me alone you haven't even tried to make things right"

It is so sad. These are the first emails DH has gotten in years so clearly his parents get that they had to do something (they clearly had expected DH to just let them get away with murder before). But the aren't making any real effort. The abuse happened years ago but he only finally stood up (with help from his therapist) about 5 years ago.

Can old people who took part in some horrible acts (public humiliation, etc) change? I have so much hope for my DH but he doesn't have any.

[Anonymous]

Specifics are important here. For advice on whether he's being too hard on them, or they irrevocably tore up their parent card, specifics matter. Op, no reason you need to tell but we really can't advise without it. There certainly are cases, such as abuse, when a parent should not be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I'm not responding to PP because I just don't get it. How did I interfere? First email, DH bcc me on his reply to his mom's one line email (We atoned so you have to forgive us) where he literally wrote one line "No thank you leave me alone". I said nothing (didn't even reply or talk to him AT ALL).

Today, he got another email. Again, I'm bcc-ed on the reply.

FIL wrote "Yesterday's sermon was about what it means to be Jewish. To be Jewish, you have to reconcile and forgive. You need to reconcile with us.".

This time, DH wrote "please leave me alone you haven't even tried to make things right"

It is so sad. These are the first emails DH has gotten in years so clearly his parents get that they had to do something (they clearly had expected DH to just let them get away with murder before). But the aren't making any real effort. The abuse happened years ago but he only finally stood up (with help from his therapist) about 5 years ago.

Can old people who took part in some horrible acts (public humiliation, etc) change? I have so much hope for my DH but he doesn't have any.

Yes. Old people can change. These two aren't ready. I am glad you are being supportive. Sorry these two just don't get YK.