If you divorced due to infidelity..

[Anonymous]

How is your current relation with your cheating ex? Right now I imagine none for myself but I do miss our political conversations and the friendship we had before all this started...

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the comments. I almost divorced. We both had lawyers. I desperately wanted to stay together and we did end up getting back together after being separated for two years.

I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the reality that I made the wrong decision.

Every marriage is different; in fact there were stories of reconciliation on here that fed into the dream of making it work, but the real remorse and empathy never showed up. If anything there is entitlement, a constant replaying of the resentments that led to the affair, and a feeling that I will always be made to feel responsible in some way, even as the victim.

I hope your story ends better. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

I posted just now, and I'm reposting this because the above is exactly what I am experiencing now. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

I posted just now, and I'm reposting this because the above is exactly what I am experiencing now. It hurts.

It must be serendipity because I just popped on here and you quoted my response from a month ago.

So you almost divorced, but stayed, and now are realizing that this is as good as it gets. It's hard. It's really hard to see that. I mean, I didn't . . . I just sat around like a fool until he did it again. So be proud of yourself for that.

It's OK to know now what you didn't know then. It's OK to change course when you realize you don't like the direction you're going in. You're allowed.

I met and married my ex when we were young. We were supposed to grow up together. I grew up. He didn't. Whether he's not capable or is choosing not to, it doesn't matter. The end result is the same.

I just found out he grossly propositioned my friend a few months ago, all while dating the AP. He's gross and sad and just not a person I would welcome into my life if I met him today. I spent the ten years between the first affair and him leaving just constantly embarrassed by him. I listened to his overreactions and blown-out-of-proportion complaints. I tried to muscle him into being a better human. Spoiler alert . . . you can't be responsible for another person's growth or character or happiness or choices.

Mine said to me, "I don't think you'll ever get over my affair," as he's leaving me for another woman but conveniently leaving that detail out. Maybe that's your angle. Sorry, we tried. But it turns out this isn't something I can get past. That's OK. He burned down your marriage when he did that. It's OK if it turns out that rebuilding isn't possible. You can't build on a weak foundation. Look at how my ex turned my extraordinary gift of reconciliation into some way that I failed him. That's what I stayed for, to be viewed and treated like that.

The last month I have been learning a lot about codependency. I thought I knew it all. Ha! No. I have plenty to learn. I'm not responsible for another adult's feelings or consequences. I should never do for another adult what they can do for themselves. I've spent more than enough time worrying about his feelings and reactions. No more. I mostly just ignore him, but I say, "Sounds like a you problem" plenty in my head.

Reconciliation is an extraordinary gift. You're not obligated to continue giving it to someone who's squandering it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the comments. I almost divorced. We both had lawyers. I desperately wanted to stay together and we did end up getting back together after being separated for two years.

I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the reality that I made the wrong decision.

Every marriage is different; in fact there were stories of reconciliation on here that fed into the dream of making it work, but the real remorse and empathy never showed up. If anything there is entitlement, a constant replaying of the resentments that led to the affair, and a feeling that I will always be made to feel responsible in some way, even as the victim.

I hope your story ends better. Hugs.

Sorry! Are you still in the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

They are victims.

But it sounds like this man burned his feelings and it ate away at him. (Not to mention how damaging it must have been for their kids to grow up with this sad dynamic.)

Everyone should get therapy if they live through the trauma of infidelity.

Thank you for hearing what I was trying to say.