If you divorced due to infidelity..

[Anonymous]

Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

Don’t torture yourself. You made the right decision. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you and fills you with anxiety?

[Anonymous]

A little. Money is tight but he was spending money wildly before we divorced too. I mainly just miss when he was normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

I do not regret it, at all, but I do regret not having more money for the divorce. I lost everything (including custody of my kids) because my husband had been financially abusive and I had zero.

I think the only case where pulling a HC makes sense is if (a) there’s no abuse and (b) spouse is otherwise nice/supportive/makes your life easier. And, of course, no more sex with the cheater and you have your own side pieces.

[Anonymous]

^I am 40. Kids were 2.5 and 6 months when I left. I went from being on welfare to earning another degree and I make six figures now. I remarried a wonderful man and have a MUCH better life now than I ever had with my ex, and a much better life than my ex (his quality of life is greatly degraded and he’s descended into alcoholism). So that’s a bit of poetic justice.

[Anonymous]

I dont regret it one bit. 36yo and absolutely thriving as a mother, in my career, dating, in my friendships.

Its been 17 months and is till wake up thankful everyday that my living space is free of liars and cheaters, anxiety, trauma, and general bad juju

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

I do not regret it, at all, but I do regret not having more money for the divorce. I lost everything (including custody of my kids) because my husband had been financially abusive and I had zero.

I think the only case where pulling a HC makes sense is if (a) there’s no abuse and (b) spouse is otherwise nice/supportive/makes your life easier. And, of course, no more sex with the cheater and you have your own side pieces.

Yea, there's more to your story. You're a woman and you lost custody?? You're leaving something out. You did something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I am 40. Kids were 2.5 and 6 months when I left. I went from being on welfare to earning another degree and I make six figures now. I remarried a wonderful man and have a MUCH better life now than I ever had with my ex, and a much better life than my ex (his quality of life is greatly degraded and he’s descended into alcoholism). So that’s a bit of poetic justice.

36yo pp here. Same. My ex also descended into alcoholism, got a dui, and has been unemployed for 5 months.

[Anonymous]

Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

[Anonymous]

I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little. Money is tight but he was spending money wildly before we divorced too. I mainly just miss when he was normal.

Guess that’s what I will miss too…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I am 40. Kids were 2.5 and 6 months when I left. I went from being on welfare to earning another degree and I make six figures now. I remarried a wonderful man and have a MUCH better life now than I ever had with my ex, and a much better life than my ex (his quality of life is greatly degraded and he’s descended into alcoholism). So that’s a bit of poetic justice.

Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

Your post suggests that all men are good for is money, which might very well be true.

It all comes down to - do you have money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed, because I had young kids and a chronic illness and felt really attached to him. He promised to change blah blah.

I think our marriage was fine, except for the part where I gave and gave and gave and got very little in return, other than financial security. But we were good friends, had a good sex life, didn't fight (because he's conflict avoidant). I was able to be a SAHM with plenty of money for trips, if I felt well enough to take them. He acted like my illness was a terrible punishment for him, so that wasn't fun.

Then ten years later he had another affair and left. I'm worried he's descending into alcoholism too. Or rather, I was in denial about how he is already there. He agreed to split custody 60/40 (me/him, obviously) and when he does have the kids, he's going out with his friends instead of spending time with them. He never has food at his house, or cleans anything. My daughter keeps smelling cigarette smoke in his car, so I guess he's added that to the mix as well.

But he's high functioning and high earning, so for now at least, I am receiving sizable alimony. It's like in some bizarre Greek tragedy he's decided to torpedo his own life and make mine amazing. I was scared and sad at first. It felt like a matter of survival . . . how could I be OK as a chronically ill person on my own? But the thing is, he acted like it was so much worse than it is. With plenty of time to rest (which I now have, because 40% of the time my kids are with him, whereas before I did 95% of everything) I can manage it OK. So I'm basically semi-retired now, and I have disposable income, and I can figure out who I am and what I like.

I know this isn't the financial or custodial situation that most divorced moms face, but I do imagine that the emotions -- the feeling that your survival is at stake, the difficulty of assessing whether or not you're really happy when you have kids to think about -- are pretty universal. I tried staying, and forgiving, and I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving. Now he's left and it's like I've won the lottery.

I wouldn't have chosen to be separated from my kids, but they are teenagers now and have phones, and he bought a house only two blocks away. They stop by for hugs, they FaceTime me to tell me about their days, they ask to do our special things together. They struggle with feeling angry at him, and I'm learning to let him screw up his relationship with them. He's a grown human, and I've covered for him for far too long. I used to feel guilty for not intervening, but I'm learning to let go.

OP I don't know your exact scenario. But I do know that infidelity, with its blameshifting and gaslighting and sexual trauma, is a form of abuse. And a person who is willing to do that to you is probably not a great partner in other respects either. My ex could have remained faithful after his first affair, but he never became a selfless or honest or empathetic person. His capacity for those qualities is just very stunted. If you are staying, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open. I kept living by the golden rule, but we were playing by two different sets of rules, so I was always going to lose. You shouldn't extend trust to someone who isn't trustworthy. You shouldn't prioritize someone who isn't prioritizing you. And so on.

Your post suggests that all men are good for is money, which might very well be true.

It all comes down to - do you have money?

I dont think her post suggests this at all-she tried her best with what she had and could to keep on going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you now divorced, OP?

My advice, don’t make any decisions the first year. Is he remorseful and making reparations? Is he in therapy? Does he understand WHY?

I was ready to leave, I had consulted attorneys. One and a half years out, I am thankful that I didn’t, but we’ve both done a lot of work and our marriage is better than ever.

No, he never expressed any remorse just kept on denying..