Teen stepdad won’t pay for college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well that happened to me but it was my own dad who wouldn’t pay anything even though he could. He bought a new more expensive house, a new luxury car and retired early in the span of time l put myself through college and didn’t qualify for loans because he had money.

Is it really that uncommon for step parents (and parents) to expect “bootstraps”? I have a few co-workers who are also refusing to help their kids with college even though it seems like they could afford to help.

What makes it unreasonable is that our system presumes a parental contribution, whether the parent is willing to pay or not. They are free to make that choice, but they are not free to say it is okay. Their kids are demonstrably worse off than low income kids when it comes to paying for college and the parents are making the choice to do that to their children.

This was my father. In divorce my addict mother was getting screwed and my well off father was hiding assets (risky from a legal perspective but such is domestic relations court). His cadre of 20 year old women were expensive as plying them with vacations to Italy and fancy watches was expensive. I was admitted to Princeton but soon saw the future as being kicked out for lack of payments. My father was very well off so no chance of getting financial aid. My brother and I knew the score and opted for D1 athletic scholarships, which we relied on being completely on our own since age 18. My father would brag about our achievements and I don’t think he ever figured the odds of having two great students who were also in the top 10 in the nation in their sport. He didn’t care. I was no victim though. I was poor but had absolute freedom and learned to be accountable only to myself. I loved being so independent and surviving by really putting it out there effort-wise. The lesson learned for young people is to be very skeptical of parents who are not open, transparent and committed to a specific level of commitment. It caused issues later in life with my father. He thought we didn’t respect him, which to a degree was accurate. But not because he didn’t pay for college - no - it was his lack of honesty surrounding the matter. In his social circles he could not admit to abandoning his kids. The relationship furthered soured when I sent my kids to Princeton, all paid for with no debt. He was furious as if somehow I was doing it to make him feel bad. I admire the parents who support, but set limits. The transparent way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well that happened to me but it was my own dad who wouldn’t pay anything even though he could. He bought a new more expensive house, a new luxury car and retired early in the span of time l put myself through college and didn’t qualify for loans because he had money.

Is it really that uncommon for step parents (and parents) to expect “bootstraps”? I have a few co-workers who are also refusing to help their kids with college even though it seems like they could afford to help.

What makes it unreasonable is that our system presumes a parental contribution, whether the parent is willing to pay or not. They are free to make that choice, but they are not free to say it is okay. Their kids are demonstrably worse off than low income kids when it comes to paying for college and the parents are making the choice to do that to their children.

This was my father. In divorce my addict mother was getting screwed and my well off father was hiding assets (risky from a legal perspective but such is domestic relations court). His cadre of 20 year old women were expensive as plying them with vacations to Italy and fancy watches was expensive. I was admitted to Princeton but soon saw the future as being kicked out for lack of payments. My father was very well off so no chance of getting financial aid. My brother and I knew the score and opted for D1 athletic scholarships, which we relied on being completely on our own since age 18. My father would brag about our achievements and I don’t think he ever figured the odds of having two great students who were also in the top 10 in the nation in their sport. He didn’t care. I was no victim though. I was poor but had absolute freedom and learned to be accountable only to myself. I loved being so independent and surviving by really putting it out there effort-wise. The lesson learned for young people is to be very skeptical of parents who are not open, transparent and committed to a specific level of commitment. It caused issues later in life with my father. He thought we didn’t respect him, which to a degree was accurate. But not because he didn’t pay for college - no - it was his lack of honesty surrounding the matter. In his social circles he could not admit to abandoning his kids. The relationship furthered soured when I sent my kids to Princeton, all paid for with no debt. He was furious as if somehow I was doing it to make him feel bad. I admire the parents who support, but set limits. The transparent way to go about it.

My god that was a long and boring post. You should have saved some cash for actual therapy. No one on DCUM cares about this shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My understanding is that all the parents' income and assets will be considered for aid at private universities. That includes stepdad and dad.

Is she in a position to file for legal emancipation?

She can also write a supplement explaining the situation and ask for a dependency override and hope they consider it, but they may not. Plus she has to be comfortable throwing them under the bus in writing.

A lot of students have tricky and difficult family situations, lots of deadbeat or simply frugal parents refuse to pay for their kids' schooling, and schools really are not in a good position to be the arbitrators of which of those parents should be let off the hook on the backs of their donors' contributions. She should do everything she can to qualify for scholarships and merit awards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should stepdad pay for it when mom has a high income? Thats a bizzare expctation.

Mom does not have a high income. The concern is that stepdad's income will be considered in allocating need-based aid and then she will not qualify--because of step-dad's income even though he will not contribute.

Yes, that's how it works. Parents pay. If they won't, their kids have to find another way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a gap year or two, work, become independent, then apply & seek need-based financial aid.

Or attend local community college for two years.

One reason I want to help this teen is that I don’t think she feels fully safe and secure in the home with her mom and stepdad. It would be best if she could get away from that.

Can they afford two years of community college then guaranteed transfer to UMD or whatever the state college is? If she works part-time, she could pull it off with a little help from her mother.

And about feeling safe... come on. Is this going to turn into an anti-immigrant screed, OP? Are you saying he's a pedo? A violent drunk? If she really wants to make this work, she needs to save money and live at home while going to college.

This has nothing to do with their national origin. If you can’t imagine a scenario where a teen would feel less than secure and happy in a home where she is, at minimum, treated like an unwanted extra by the stepdad, then you must live a pretty charmed life.

Why should the stepdad take on this financial burden? He may have spousal support to a prior wife or kids of his own (and those college obligations by court order).

She's not asking him to pay. But his income will count against her when she applies for financial aid. Period. Imagine if it didn't count just because he didn't want to pay? Everyone would claim they refuse to pay so the kids can get more aid. What makes him special that his refusal should have no consequences?

Also, if he has spousal support and court ordered college obligations, that goes in the aid application and will be used to lower the "parents' expected contribution." Note: expected, not required.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone remember that dreadful thread from maybe 5 years ago started by a mother who had gotten remarried and now her kid didn’t qualify for aid, and she had saved like $20k total so the kid wasn’t going to be able to go to college? She felt terrible about it but eventually was like “tough noogies, kid, my marriage is the most important thing.” Everyone was very disapproving of that mother. I wish I could find that thread, I think about it from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Many admissions officers advise to reach out to the financial aid office at their university if in unique circumstances. I've no idea how flexible those offices are, but just to say this is a valid thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We know a teen whose mom and stepdad seem to have an agreement that the stepdad is not responsible for paying for any of the teen’s college. So it is up to the mom, I don’t think she makes tons of money, but they won’t get as much aid if they have to include the stepdad’s salary.
Is there any way around this? I feel so sorry for this teen. She deserves to go to college.

That stepdad is quite a baller laying down the law like that.