Would rather talking to the working parent than the SAH parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was both and I know a few others who had the same situation.
OP, the world is not black and white you know.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Just because you spend 8 waking hours in a cubicle, 1 in commute and 1 in getting ready, doesn't make you intelligent, interesting, funny, insightful or intellectual.

[Anonymous]

You don't go to a child's school to blab about places you rather be but there, you go to make connections with other parents and get information which you can use to help your child do emotionally, socially, athletically and academically well in that setting and outside of it, now and in long term. If it doesn't come naturally to you, cultivate interest in your child and their world.

[Anonymous]

Welcome back famous troll.

[Anonymous]

I'm a working mom who is close friends with a SAHM and I'm so sick of the mommy wars BS. Everyone do what's best for their family and situation and leave other people alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprised at all the people agreeing with OP as poor social skills run rampant in the DC area.

If you are truly an interesting person you should be able to strike up an engaging conversation with just about anyone who speaks the same language.

I work and derive a lot of meaning and enjoyment from my job but rarely bring it up outside of work. If I did something cool in the arts or sciences maybe I would. If anyone asks then I share.

I like talking to SAHMs because they seem more relaxed and willing to stop and spend a few minutes chatting rather than rushing here or there.

How do you know that people are SAHMs and not just like yourself and not talking about their job?

What kind of a question is that? I know them and know if they work or don’t. Just like they know I work even though it doesn’t come up in every single conversation.

I don’t think most people I know casually know whether or not I work. It’s kind of rare that people specifically ask.
How do people know that you work if you don’t talk about your job or do the thing where you act all busy and harried?

If you aren’t talking about work and you are taking time to stay and chat, there are probably a lot of people who think you are a SAHM.

I don’t know how you are defining “casually” but if you’ve had a few conversations then at some point it comes up. I know what a lot of the other school parents do and I’m not particularly inquisitive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprised at all the people agreeing with OP as poor social skills run rampant in the DC area.

If you are truly an interesting person you should be able to strike up an engaging conversation with just about anyone who speaks the same language.

I work and derive a lot of meaning and enjoyment from my job but rarely bring it up outside of work. If I did something cool in the arts or sciences maybe I would. If anyone asks then I share.

I like talking to SAHMs because they seem more relaxed and willing to stop and spend a few minutes chatting rather than rushing here or there.

How do you know that people are SAHMs and not just like yourself and not talking about their job?

What kind of a question is that? I know them and know if they work or don’t. Just like they know I work even though it doesn’t come up in every single conversation.

I don’t think most people I know casually know whether or not I work. It’s kind of rare that people specifically ask.
How do people know that you work if you don’t talk about your job or do the thing where you act all busy and harried?

If you aren’t talking about work and you are taking time to stay and chat, there are probably a lot of people who think you are a SAHM.

I don’t know how you are defining “casually” but if you’ve had a few conversations then at some point it comes up. I know what a lot of the other school parents do and I’m not particularly inquisitive

By casually, I mean that I don’t see them socially outside of PTA, soccer, etc.

I feel like the default here and IRL is to assume that every woman is a SAHM unless she specifically says otherwise, but you don’t actually know.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've really noticed this. I've always worked part time and the most alone I felt as a school mom wasn't because I didn't work FT, it was probably because I'm a lot younger (I know the "you're too young" looks very well now), or because we had just moved to the area (we've moved twice).

I'm not a big MOM FRIEND person at all. Can go whole sports seasons without talking much to other parents (was harder when kids were younger). When I do talk to people it's either because we strike up a genuine conneciton or because I happen to be sitting next to a chatty person and the stars align (often, a dad).

I think people are just tribal, and in school communities people often stick to who they've known since K (or 7th, or mom's group, or whatever).

[Anonymous]

^Should have said I have always worked at least PT. I work FT now and have a pretty "prestigious" career in the sense of the title.

[Anonymous]

At one of the schools, my kids were, people connected over social status, a physician would rather be friends with another physician's SAHM wife than with another working mom who is a receptionist or a coder because both families had more things in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you spend 8 waking hours in a cubicle, 1 in commute and 1 in getting ready, doesn't make you intelligent, interesting, funny, insightful or intellectual.

We work from home. We soak up nature, exercise, watch cinema, and engage in intellectual debates online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprised at all the people agreeing with OP as poor social skills run rampant in the DC area.

If you are truly an interesting person you should be able to strike up an engaging conversation with just about anyone who speaks the same language.

I work and derive a lot of meaning and enjoyment from my job but rarely bring it up outside of work. If I did something cool in the arts or sciences maybe I would. If anyone asks then I share.

I like talking to SAHMs because they seem more relaxed and willing to stop and spend a few minutes chatting rather than rushing here or there.

How do you know that people are SAHMs and not just like yourself and not talking about their job?

What kind of a question is that? I know them and know if they work or don’t. Just like they know I work even though it doesn’t come up in every single conversation.

I think the SAHPs aren't experienced with being forced into conversations with obnoxious boobs that they can't escape. The office parents are used to dealing with people like you.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been SAH, WOH, WFH, and have noticed that when people volunteer in schools especially elementary, the starting point of conversation is the kids and kids activities. I think that’s pretty normal until people know each other better. Once I’m friends with someone we talk about all sorts of things but honestly one topic I rarely engage in with friends is work. People who only talk about work are usually the biggest bores and snobs.

With friends, we discuss shared interests, hobbies, books, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At one of the schools, my kids were, people connected over social status, a physician would rather be friends with another physician's SAHM wife than with another working mom who is a receptionist or a coder because both families had more things in common.

This is probably true.
When I have heard people say that they want more WOHM friends, they mean someone with a similar level of education. They aren’t trying to befriend the women who clean their houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At one of the schools, my kids were, people connected over social status, a physician would rather be friends with another physician's SAHM wife than with another working mom who is a receptionist or a coder because both families had more things in common.

This is probably true.
When I have heard people say that they want more WOHM friends, they mean someone with a similar level of education. They aren’t trying to befriend the women who clean their houses.

Yes. People who are obsessed with the mommy wars tend to by high SES and really only care about other high SES families. So the SAHMs who look down on working moms tend to be rich SAHMs who either view it as "selfish" to work (because the husband is high earning and the family could survive on just his income) or they pity women who "have" to work because their husbands don't make enough to keep the family UMC without the added income.

On the flip side, wealthy working moms are much more likely to criticize SAHMs as lazy, vapid, and unintelligent, because they generalize that SAHMs are all in wealthy families where they can afford housecleaners, nannies, preschool, etc., and thus the SAHMs aren't actually taking care of kids or the house all day but going to yoga and getting over involved at school and gossiping with other SAHMs. This attitude about SAHMs makes them very dismissive of the idea that being a SAHM can be challenging, require intellect and skills, etc.

In the real world where not everyone has an HHI of 300k or more, most moms have to work because life is insanely expensive and if you want to be able to afford housing, retire at a reasonable age, and send your kids even to in-state schools, you need to incomes. But also many women are in fields that do not pay well and childcare is insanely expensive, so some women become SAHMs during the kid's early years and then return to work at least part-time once they are in school, because it winds up being more cost-effective for a family to have a SAHM instead of paying for childcare 0-5. But these SAHMs work incredibly hard, are doing the hands on work of caring for kids during the workweek without paid help, and also wind up doing the vast majority of the household chores and family administration. These moms are not spending their days clothes shopping and going to yoga and getting their hair done.

I'm in the latter group and was a SAHM for three years when my DC was young until she qualified for universal PK, and would have SAHMed longer but we had secondary infertility so I returned to work sooner. I actually did occasionally freelance projects while I was a SAHM because money was tight plus I knew I needed to stay current and maintain contacts so I could reenter the workforce. We had zero help during this time, not even occasional babysitters because we could not afford them. I did it all and was exhausted, but I also made an effort to take my DC to museums and concerts, I read a lot of books, I became very knowledgeable about child development, and I published several short stories in literary mags. The idea that I was lazy or uninteresting is laughable to me. And now I work and I still feel like I "do it all." We still can't afford to outsource much but now I can go get my haircut on my lunch hour and my kid is at school so I feel a bit more sane. Summers are hard-to-impossible and I absolutely feel the second shift when I get home from work and still have to make dinner, prep lunch, clean up, check homework, email the pediatrician, research orthodontists, make sure we have everything on the summer camp checklist for next week so I can order anything missing, etc.

OP and people like her are just a net negative to society. If OP has ever encountered me at a school event, when I was a SAHM or now, and though "ugh this person isn't interesting enough for me, I need a more intellectual conversational partner," then OP can go **** *******.