If you were on the fence about having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt the same as you, had kids and regret it. Love my kids but wouldn’t have had kids if I could redo my life.

As a woman your life will change dramatically. They will wreck your body, limit your social life, hurt your career and spend a lot of your money. There’s a reason that women in developed countries who have nice lives have fewer children.

There’s also the constant noise, lack of sleep and messes.

Take something simple like going out to dinner. For about a decade you can’t enjoy going out to eat. Constant interruptions, cutting up food, picking up items that fall, taking a kid to the restroom, diaper changes, etc. It isn’t enjoyable. I have to hire a sitter to even be able to have a decent conversation with my spouse. Look around the next time you see a family out to dinner. Does the mom look like she’s having fun? Women on here will criticize me but when I look at women on a playground or out with their family, they look frazzled and unhappy.

The only problem about not having kids is that it makes it easier to divorce and makes aging a bit more difficult to handle as a woman. My friends without kids seem to find it more challenging to get older. You’ll never be able to appreciate your free time, sleep and disposable income since you didn’t experience what children do to your life.

I was on the fence and leaning towards not having kids. My mother wrote me this letter about how I was making the worse decision and would be increasingly isolated. She scared me and I pulled the trigger. She couldn’t have been more wrong. I wish I had listened to myself and my gut.

This was true of her generation. A "spinster" was relegated to a life of loneliness and fraught financial position. They would even be excluded from family events.

Society has changed in ways that your mother does not understand. It's more normalized today to be childless and its a lot easier to "find your tribe" outside of a spouse + kids. The financial aspect of aging can be mitigated with smart planning, more widely available and lower cost financial products, and a long career with diligent saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

This is probably me. But FOMO. You don't know what you don't know. We couldn't get off the fence, I got pregnant accidentally and then we went through a lot to get pregnant a second time because I knew that if I had kids I wanted two. One kid always seemed to me just dipping your toe in and if I did, I was going all in. I read a lot of books pro and con and the one that put me over the edge was Waiting for Daisy. The author's partner wants kids more than she does. His rationale is that having kids is a basic life experience. In the book he says that life is like an amusement park and that he wants to ride all the rides.

This seems like 1/2 of my friends that have kids. The other half seem to really enjoy them. You don’t need them to make your life complete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend felt the same way and she says it is 100 percent different when you have your own kids. She still dislikes other people’s kids but loves her own. Don’t worry, your brain is required after birth to love your offspring and keep them alive!

But that doesn’t mean you will enjoy your life as a mother, or even being around them.

[Anonymous]

I'm 35 and CFBC. I still get people telling me I will change my mind and suddenly become maternal and want kids. I have known I didnt want kids since I was in middle school.

I love my life without kids. I dont think I will ever regret not having children, but what I think I (and others that I've spoken with) long for is the sense of family. It's important to cultivate an active and fulfilling life so you aren't lonely. As pps say, there is no guarantee that your children will take care of you, but if you dont have them as a backup you need to be prepared! I figure the hundreds of thousands (if not more) that I save by not having children should be plenty to keep me taken care of in my later years.

What I've heard described (that I've posted on here before), is that CF life is on a scale of 0-10, and parent life is a scale of -10 - 20. Higher highs, but lower lows. I'm betting the joy of seeing your child see new things is amazing! But I also imagine dealing with a SN child 24/7 extremely challenging. Or having your child die before you. If I imagine my life with children, I miiiight be ok with one, NT, well behaved, good child. But if I had a SN kids I don't think I could do it. If I had a "spirited" child, I don't think I could do it. But I cant guarantee what kind of child I will have. So it's better for me, that I stay with what I know I can handle. I've seen so many bad parents, I would never want to be one.

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence and now have a 1 and 3 yo. I love being a mom and am blown away that I might’ve opted out of this life. I am a happier person in every respect.

The catch is that my husband is a true partner and we have extensive family help. And we are financially very comfortable. And our kids are developmentally normal/no SNs (for now at least).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and CFBC. I still get people telling me I will change my mind and suddenly become maternal and want kids. I have known I didnt want kids since I was in middle school.

I love my life without kids. I dont think I will ever regret not having children, but what I think I (and others that I've spoken with) long for is the sense of family. It's important to cultivate an active and fulfilling life so you aren't lonely. As pps say, there is no guarantee that your children will take care of you, but if you dont have them as a backup you need to be prepared! I figure the hundreds of thousands (if not more) that I save by not having children should be plenty to keep me taken care of in my later years.

What I've heard described (that I've posted on here before), is that CF life is on a scale of 0-10, and parent life is a scale of -10 - 20. Higher highs, but lower lows. I'm betting the joy of seeing your child see new things is amazing! But I also imagine dealing with a SN child 24/7 extremely challenging. Or having your child die before you. If I imagine my life with children, I miiiight be ok with one, NT, well behaved, good child. But if I had a SN kids I don't think I could do it. If I had a "spirited" child, I don't think I could do it. But I cant guarantee what kind of child I will have. So it's better for me, that I stay with what I know I can handle. I've seen so many bad parents, I would never want to be one.

Yep, life with kids is -10 to +20. Without kids, I thought I knew what miserable was, but I was so wrong. You don't know miserable until you have kid miserable. But I'd never felt the joy that I have once having a child. And it feel like the daily swing is much wilder. In my pre-kid days, most days were 3 to 7, nothing too miserable, but nothing super fabulous either. But now, I can go from -3 (cranky kid that is driving you crazy) to +9 (when cranky kid says something hilarious) to +20 (when cranky kid apologizes for being cranky and tells you how much he loves you) back down to +2 (because now he whining about how hungry he is). And all that can happen in 30 mins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

I would definitely stop going to Old Navy then.

[Anonymous]

You have to be willing to accept whatever child you have. I have a family member who was in a really wonderful marriage, loving spouse, etc. Their first child had severe health issues. They were fantastic devoted parents but their entire lives were this child. It destroyed their marriage. I know they don’t regret having him but it’s complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

I would definitely stop going to Old Navy then.

Tell that to OP. I just reminded her that incidents like that can happen every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be willing to accept whatever child you have. I have a family member who was in a really wonderful marriage, loving spouse, etc. Their first child had severe health issues. They were fantastic devoted parents but their entire lives were this child. It destroyed their marriage. I know they don’t regret having him but it’s complicated.

Divorce rate for parents of a disabled child is 87%. Divorce rate for parents of a child with autism is 80%.

The odds are not in your favor if you have a kid with any major difficulties or neuro divergence.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202302/divorce-and-special-needs-children?amp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35 and CFBC. I still get people telling me I will change my mind and suddenly become maternal and want kids. I have known I didnt want kids since I was in middle school.

I love my life without kids. I dont think I will ever regret not having children, but what I think I (and others that I've spoken with) long for is the sense of family. It's important to cultivate an active and fulfilling life so you aren't lonely. As pps say, there is no guarantee that your children will take care of you, but if you dont have them as a backup you need to be prepared! I figure the hundreds of thousands (if not more) that I save by not having children should be plenty to keep me taken care of in my later years.

What I've heard described (that I've posted on here before), is that CF life is on a scale of 0-10, and parent life is a scale of -10 - 20. Higher highs, but lower lows. I'm betting the joy of seeing your child see new things is amazing! But I also imagine dealing with a SN child 24/7 extremely challenging. Or having your child die before you. If I imagine my life with children, I miiiight be ok with one, NT, well behaved, good child. But if I had a SN kids I don't think I could do it. If I had a "spirited" child, I don't think I could do it. But I cant guarantee what kind of child I will have. So it's better for me, that I stay with what I know I can handle. I've seen so many bad parents, I would never want to be one.

I'm 50, never wanted kids, never had them - and I think ^ this is 100% right.

I will say that I do think I'd really enjoy having adult kids - and especially having grandkids. I do feel I will miss out on those experiences - on those relationships. I made the tradeoff of not having that, in exchange for not having to raise kids to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt the same as you, had kids and regret it. Love my kids but wouldn’t have had kids if I could redo my life.

As a woman your life will change dramatically. They will wreck your body, limit your social life, hurt your career and spend a lot of your money. There’s a reason that women in developed countries who have nice lives have fewer children.

There’s also the constant noise, lack of sleep and messes.

Take something simple like going out to dinner. For about a decade you can’t enjoy going out to eat. Constant interruptions, cutting up food, picking up items that fall, taking a kid to the restroom, diaper changes, etc. It isn’t enjoyable. I have to hire a sitter to even be able to have a decent conversation with my spouse. Look around the next time you see a family out to dinner. Does the mom look like she’s having fun? Women on here will criticize me but when I look at women on a playground or out with their family, they look frazzled and unhappy.

The only problem about not having kids is that it makes it easier to divorce and makes aging a bit more difficult to handle as a woman. My friends without kids seem to find it more challenging to get older. You’ll never be able to appreciate your free time, sleep and disposable income since you didn’t experience what children do to your life.

I was on the fence and leaning towards not having kids. My mother wrote me this letter about how I was making the worse decision and would be increasingly isolated. She scared me and I pulled the trigger. She couldn’t have been more wrong. I wish I had listened to myself and my gut.

As someone who is facing family pressure to have kids, thank you very much for writing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend felt the same way and she says it is 100 percent different when you have your own kids. She still dislikes other people’s kids but loves her own. Don’t worry, your brain is required after birth to love your offspring and keep them alive!

But that doesn’t mean you will enjoy your life as a mother, or even being around them.

You can love your kids but really dislike parenting and your life. It is not a question of love—it is a question of happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to be willing to accept whatever child you have. I have a family member who was in a really wonderful marriage, loving spouse, etc. Their first child had severe health issues. They were fantastic devoted parents but their entire lives were this child. It destroyed their marriage. I know they don’t regret having him but it’s complicated.

Divorce rate for parents of a disabled child is 87%. Divorce rate for parents of a child with autism is 80%.

The odds are not in your favor if you have a kid with any major difficulties or neuro divergence.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202302/divorce-and-special-needs-children?amp

And in such situations, it's usually the mom who gets stuck with the day-to-day hands on care while dad goes AWOL.

It would be one thing if you could be guaranteed a (physically, mentally emotionally) healthy, (cognitively) capable child. But since such is not the case, it's probably better not to have any children at all if you're ambivalent about becoming a parent in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found the first couple of years a nightmare. It is such hard and unrewarding work dealing with very young kids. I have to say though that after tge age of four or five I have really enjoyed them. It is ironic because I always thought I was a baby person. Turns out I wasn’t.

+1 I prefer them potty trained. When my DD turned 4 is when I began to enjoy parenting. She's 14 now and an absolute delight and such an interesting person. Babies and toddlers are just not my jam as I value my sleep and freedom of movement.