Eating Disorders

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever had a chat with a friend that obviously has an eating disorder? I know WAY too much about eating disorders, and I don't want the friend to end up in the hospital. Should I just mind my own business and hope someone else says something? FWIW, one friend is someone I know pretty well. The other is someone I don't know as well. Should I drop hints or just forget it? They like how they look (I'm guessing), so I don't want to make them feel bad, because they have gorgeous faces! I know eating disorders come from deep-down other issues that they probably don't know about yet. But I'm no professional, should I hint about a reputable professional? Is there a good one in the area? Maybe I should just drop it?

[Anonymous]

Interesting question.
I'd be careful to talk about your own experiences and use words that convey your love and concern for their health.
I have dealt with disordered eating since I was 16 (now 33) and at different times in my life it's been better/worse...much like those who deal with over-eating. At times it's as if you've struck the right balance and at other times, you're eating anything (or nothing) put in front of you. I think the key is to emphasize the 'what's eating you' approach and not over-focus on 'what are you or aren't you' eating. Be a good friend and let them know that life is so much more colorful than the black and white world of an eating disorder (or any emotional addiction, for that matter!).
hope that helps!

[Anonymous]

The answer is...it depends, OP. When I had bulimia (I had it for around 10 years), I knew I had bulimia, I was not in denial, knew the consequences, knew the bad outcomes, the long and short term risks, and was pretty miserable about the whole thing all the time -- 24 hours a day. The one friend who confronted me -- figured it out because like you, she was oh-so-savvy about eating disorders confronted me very coldly and said "What are you doing about your eating disorder? I really didn't have an answer for her, and I felt a) ashamed b) very embarrassed and c) like I never wanted to see her again.

If you, on the other hand, want to say to your friend, "If you ever want to talk about anything, including your conflicts around food, I'm here for you," I think that's fine. And if your friend weighs 80 lbs and her life is in danger, obviously you should be somewhat confrontational. But my point is, if your friend is bulimic, and you know so much about eating disorders, you probably know already that she's NOT in denial, and that she lives with a great deal of shame and guilt. So don't "chat" with her just to add to it or to satisfy your intellectual curiosity. Because you can do a lot more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your suggestions! I might stay out of it for now, unless they look destined for a hosptial (one will be very soon).

I have to do some more research - because eating disorders are so common, and I have become interested in "why". Also, bulimia and anorexia are often intertwined, from what I have read, so far.

I am also wondering if other societies have so many people with eating disorders. Sad, but interesting. Thanks again for your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I just want to add that waiting until they "look" destined for the hospital could be waiting too long. Agree with 14:28, offer to listen if they want to talk, and be specific, but don't judge and don't push.

You might also add that you are worried about her and would like to help in any way you can. And then stop and let her come to you.

[Anonymous]

I had a very good friend with anorexia and tried to help. If there are issues, and there usually are, it will be hard for them to hear it from others. I went to one of her relatives and she eventually learned that it was me who had expressed concern. To this day (20 years), she still won't speak to me despite us sharing long-term friends.

I mention this as caution - very careful consideration needs to go into your plan before you act. I suggest that you think long and hard about engaging the best people to approach them on their disorders. Somehow, I think that a group of people, rather than just a single person might be more effective.

[Anonymous]

I've had this difficult discussion. Please say something.

I couched it with, "Look, I have a hard thing I want to talk to you about. Go ahead and tell me to buzz off if you want, and I'll understand if you're mad at me. I'm worried that you might have an eating disorder."

[Anonymous]

Like an intervention?

[Anonymous]

wow=i'd be very careful with this-friends dont always have the best objectivity and can really alienate, insult, hurt another with an allegation that is either false or poorly timed. We dont have enough details to weigh in on whether this is a no-brainer she's very sick or this is just a red flag...need more info

I'd just focus on health-when was her last physical, how did her doctor describe her health, how does she feel, is she stressed-would she ever go into therapy around "stress issues" and then with the help of a trained professional she can tackle the eating d/o=as others have said, eating d/o are less about food and more about mental health issues. Does she have a husband, boyfriend, other loved one who shares your concerns? how grave are they? is her health in clear danger?
again, i wouldnt focus on her body size, just "stress, health, support" and tread delicately-often other's cant receive help until they are ready...this is her battle to fight and she needs to be ready if indeed she does have an eating d/o.

[Anonymous]

I would echo the sentiments of the posters who say to make yourself available. Comments like "I'm concerned that you're too thin" or similar can be taken as confirmation that the disordered eating/exercise is accomplishing the weight goal of thinness.

[Anonymous]

22:52 here -- hit submit accidentally.

I had a friend who was/is bulimic and she was/is very much aware of her disorder. I expressed my concerns for her health (there were other destructive activities too - like excessive alcohol), and she did open up to me. But she never sought help, and there is nothing that I can force her to do. I eventually realized that she had become a one way friend, where she would talk about her issues with me, but not have the time to listen when I had problems or needed a friend. I realized she wasn't going to help herself, and I couldn't continue to expend the emotional energy to worry about her for her.

This is obviously not necessarily what could happen to you, but I share because you have to be willing to express your concern, offer to help her access the appropriate people who can help her, and then be willing to step back after you have done that.