Broken engagement, back together

[Anonymous]

We dated for 3 years, then got engaged. After 8 months engaged, wedding date set, invitations about to go in the mail, he ended it. Said he just wasn't ready. I was HEARTBROKEN. Took me 4 months and then I gave him the ring back. HEARTBROKEN STILL. Fast forward 2 years later we run into each other, we are both single (both have dated a little since). We start seeing each other. We hit it off. It's now been another year and he says he's really ready now and wants to get engaged again. He still has the ring.

1. I LOVE HIM, never stopped loving him.
2. I'm scared!!! Can't go thru being dumped by him again.
3. It does feel different this time. He seems fully vested
4. The engagement ring is a bad memory for me. I don't want to put that ring back on my finger. Is it wrong to ask to exchange it for a different ring if I do agree to get engaged?

[Anonymous]

Outside of being "fully vested" what has noticeably changed? Were there issues before he walked away? What were they?

[Anonymous]

My own DH and broke up in the middle of our relationship. Sometimes you need time apart. I think that's okay. I also think it's okay to say you need a different ring. I too would have a hard time looking at the old ring. Not an unreasonable hoop to make him jump through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outside of being "fully vested" what has noticeably changed? Were there issues before he walked away? What were they?

His family/friends always came first over me. He would go out with his guy friends almost every weekend (rarely was I invited). That has changed. He does it twice a month now, and gf's are invited to come once a month. He is much more touchy/romantic. He does things for me at my place without me asking. Before I would ask, write it down and he still never cared to help me. Somethings a girl does need help with, just not physically strong enough to do. He smiles all the time now. Looking back, he didn't really smile much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own DH and broke up in the middle of our relationship. Sometimes you need time apart. I think that's okay. I also think it's okay to say you need a different ring. I too would have a hard time looking at the old ring. Not an unreasonable hoop to make him jump through.

same. although I didn't expect a different ring.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell him that if he truly thinks he wants to be with you for the rest of your life than before you get engaged: (1) pre-marriage counseling to ensure you are on the same page (2) in counseling bring up the bad memories associated with the ring (3) city Hall marriage and then if you want a party/lavish ceremony a couple of months later.

[Anonymous]

I broke up with my wife 6 years before we got married.. I think you can give it a chance

[Anonymous]

How long have you been back together. It sounds like he has matured but how long have you been back together. He’ll have to show me consistency over a long time period before I invest in him again.

[Anonymous]

I’d give him a shot. Have a couple of sessions with a pre-marital counselor first- if he has any other scared, or ready type feelings you want to get them out sooner rather than later. And definitely ask for a different ring! Hope it all works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Give it a chance. Similar situation happened with my marriage. We have been married nearly a decade with a house full of kids.

[Anonymous]

I guess, but do a vegas legal wedding and then do party wedding wherever a year later in the church or temple to get blessed and party. at least that way you won't be out $20-30k wedding shit again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess, but do a vegas legal wedding and then do party wedding wherever a year later in the church or temple to get blessed and party. at least that way you won't be out $20-30k wedding shit again

Op here, and I do keep thinking about the money we were out. We were paying for everything ourselves. I sold my dress (for half of what I paid!) I paid all my bridesmaids back for the dresses they bought and sold them all, 1/4 of what was paid. If I do agree to get engaged, I don't want to make a big announcement, I don't want a big wedding, I literally want the low key courthouse and then our closest family/friends maybe just for a fun dinner at a nearby restaurant. All of the big wedding excitement is literally gone, no matter who the groom is. It's ruined. *Sigh*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess, but do a vegas legal wedding and then do party wedding wherever a year later in the church or temple to get blessed and party. at least that way you won't be out $20-30k wedding shit again

Op here, and I do keep thinking about the money we were out. We were paying for everything ourselves. I sold my dress (for half of what I paid!) I paid all my bridesmaids back for the dresses they bought and sold them all, 1/4 of what was paid. If I do agree to get engaged, I don't want to make a big announcement, I don't want a big wedding, I literally want the low key courthouse and then our closest family/friends maybe just for a fun dinner at a nearby restaurant. All of the big wedding excitement is literally gone, no matter who the groom is. It's ruined. *Sigh*

Ugh I really feel your pain, OP. I would be GUTTED if this happened to me.

But, my DH who loves me very much also broke up with me mid-relationship. He also said he wasn't ready. I like was like "yeah, ok, nice excuse!" About a year later he initiated getting back together, and I am glad that I ultimately did agree because he is the one and we are happily married now. I do think men panicking at a certain stage when staring down the barrel of commitment is a "thing" in some cases.

I wish you happiness for the future! And yes, I think it's ok to let him know that this ring brings you painful memories and that you'd like a different one.

[Anonymous]

Dh dumped me 4 months I to dating. Now, I was not left at the altar, but I was gun shy. Second time around, i made it clear there was no wiggle room. He was all in....10 yrs later, no regrets.

That being said, I know a guy who dumped his gf. He saw yhr light, jumped thru many many hoops before she agreed to try again...the resimed dating and got engaged..and then he dumped her a few weeks before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

My dad broke up with my mom when they were dating, saying she wasn't mature enough. Then they got back together and got married. She claims HE wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Who knows what the truth is.