Need to help sister but clueless as to how

[Anonymous]

My sister had a very late 3rd trimester loss. She herself almost lost her life and got a full hysterectomy a day after loosing the pregnancy. She has two older boys (ages 2 and 7) and the baby she lost was a joyfully anticipated little girl. She has been home from the hospital for almost a month and she seems worst every day. She asked me to clean out the nursery and remove all baby items when the kids go back to school. She told me a specific date and said she will be volunteering at the preschool that day and could I just do it without her in sight. Is that healthy? I want to do whatever she says but I also want her to grieve and work through things. I don't want to erase her buy I don't want baby stuff making her sad either. Her oldest son is truly struggling and afraid of everyone dying now. She is getting him help. Her husband works long hours but is trying his best. My mom is so relieved my sister didn't die that she kinda skips over the baby part.

[Anonymous]

Sorry got cut short...anyway my mom Does a lot of " she has 2 healthy children" talk. Ugh I feel like everyone is a mess and no one knows what to do. Anyone have any similar experiences? I'm so worried I will do and say the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely do what she asked you to. If you want, box up the stuff and store it at your house for a few months to make sure she doesn't regret her decision to throw it all out. But, yes, I would 100% take her lead on this; she has told you very specifically how to help her.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your sister's loss. So sad. She will always grieve that little girl. Just try to be supportive, especially since your mom is erasing her valid feelings about the little girl. I think PPs idea to store stuff out of sight for a bit is a good one but for sure do whatever she asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely do what she asked you to. If you want, box up the stuff and store it at your house for a few months to make sure she doesn't regret her decision to throw it all out. But, yes, I would 100% take her lead on this; she has told you very specifically how to help her.

+1 Everyone grieves differently. I'm like your sister - I want the stuff gone. Others would want the pain of going through it all because it would help them. She told you what she needed (which a lot of grieving people are not able to do, by the way), so do it. Don't tell her how you would do it. Do what she asked, exactly.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great sister.

Pick up the slack where you can. Check in on your sister. Don’t be afraid to mention baby girl, it’s not like your sister forgets.

Provide stability and kindness and fun for your nephews.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You lost a niece and deserve a chance to grieve however you need to.

[Anonymous]

OP, please tell your mom to cut the "well, she has 2 healthy children" talk. I know she's trying to make it better but it doesn't help your sister's grief and probably hurts her to hear. I would just do what your sister asks - box everything up, take it home with you, arrange for donations and keep a few sentimental items in case your sister wants them later. Let her know that you're there for her whenever and however she needs, but it's just going to take time for her to heal. so sorry the for loss.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Ok I will do the clothes thing, I just didn't want her to look back and say why did she do that without me! I will keep everything. We just had a shower a few weeks beforehand and we had so much stuff monogrammed!!! I feel awful, just sick!

[Anonymous]

This is so sad. I’m so sorry. Just sending love to you and your sister.

[Anonymous]

Do what she asked. I knew a mom who's sister had a late term loss and the friend went to the sister's house while she was at the hospital and removed all baby things without asking. I thought that seemed like overstepping by a long shot and my friend said the baby items were in her basement and the sister had never once asked about them. THAT was weird (to me.) Your situation is different because your sister asked for help.

My condolences to your family for the loss of the baby. That's hard thing to go through.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs who said do as she asked, but if possible also keep the stuff for awhile. When she comes out of her intense grief she may wish she had kept this or that as a keepsake. And yes still acknowledge the girl, by name. To her that baby was already her daughter. Not mentioning the baby won5 make your sister forget, it will just make her feel alone in her grief.

Other than that, just be available for the tedious day-to-day stuff - make an occasional meal, take her boys for an afternoon, maybe run errands she needs done? My condolences to all of you.

[Anonymous]

If she's not getting some kind of therapy, she needs it. That kind of trauma and loss--not just the baby, but the prospect of having any more--plus postpartum hormones puts her at terribly high risk for for postpartum depression.

You might help by researching options and helping her get there.

[Anonymous]

Also, please tell you mom the back the eff off on the "two healthy kids" bit and remind her that this loss is primarily sister's and her DH's, not mom's, and to stop making it about her feelings of relief that sister didn't die. Things are still bad and shitty for sister, and mom needs to act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

This kind of trauma should not be done alone. She has one part of the "not alone," which is help and support from you and your mom (although as PPs noted, mom needs to adjust her talk about it). But she needs the other part, which is therapy and grief/loss counseling. Family members are not equipped to play that role for someone suffering a loss.

If she's close to DC, look up the Wendt Center. I believe they have a pregnancy loss support group.

This kind of grief can take a long, long time to process (and I say "process" advisedly, it never really "goes away"). Whenever those waves of grief come rushing back, in weeks, months, years, just be there and let her know it's ok to feel the grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's not getting some kind of therapy, she needs it. That kind of trauma and loss--not just the baby, but the prospect of having any more--plus postpartum hormones puts her at terribly high risk for for postpartum depression.

You might help by researching options and helping her get there.

OP here. I think this is a lot of it. We didn't want to put all her personal information out there but it seems as if every.single.person. has some version of "she can try again" or tells a personal story of their miscarriage and how they had a "rainbow" baby a year or so later. These stories are even starting to hurt ME and this isn't about me. I almost want to tell everyone before they come through the door or send a card or whatever that she has no uterus. Thanks for letting me vent.