grieving secondary infertility - coping advice for deciding to stop?

[Anonymous]

Due to unusual reasons, it is almost certain I won't be able to continue trying for a sibling for my DC.

I don't know if anyone here would be reading this forum if they experienced this and were past the grieving stage. Maybe there is someone at the stage I'm at now.

It is so hard to give up and pack up all the baby/early childhood items to give to charity. It's very, very upsetting to make it "final" in that way.

Suggestions for coping? This has been going on a long time so time hasn't really helped.

[Anonymous]

realize that life is short, your kid and you will be fine, many advantages to having one, don't let this define your life. a good friend told me this 10 years ago and I no longer dwell on not having more kids. I am taking the life I have and appreciating what I have. our time on earth is so short that I refuse to ruin it by lamenting what I can't have. it took a few months to change my thinking since I had been going thru treatments for years, but I am in such a good place and hope you find peace to enjoy what you already have.

[Anonymous]

Thanks this is good advice - I am so extremely grateful for my child. I've kept a journal since DC's birth filled with details, moments, and gratitude. Probably a key part of this is about the unusual circumstances of this, and I'll just have to incorporate that in my life even thought I don't "accept" it. I do have a therapist to talk about that part of it. But I have wondered how people make the final decision to "let go" of the baby gear and other things.

[Anonymous]

I am in the middle of the grief still. So sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a "stuff" person so when we decided to stop with our one child, I didn't have a huge problem giving up the stuff. It helped me to package it up and give it to friends. Having it be a "gift" to them alleviated any negative feelings. I did save one file-size tote with my very favorite things, including a few cute onsies, a bathrobe I made and was well used, and even some adorable wool diaper covers I adored. Good luck to you. It helped me to force myself out of the loop of additional procreation. I simply didn't let myself think about it and focused on all the positives of my one child. Honestly, seeing DC come back so happy from sleep away camp and knowing we couldn't have afforded that with two kids made up for a lot. You have the life you have--and if you are on DCUM, it's likely a darn good one.

[Anonymous]

hugs, op.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it can be really hard to accept the new normal. And that's what this is - a new normal for you. One with only one child. You don't have to do it band-aid style. It might be easier just to box everything up and store it (basement, garage, storage place) somewhere out of sight. And then when you have adjusted enough you can give it away. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much. I do have it in storage but it is hard because letting go of it would be the one direct thing I did to walk away. Everything else has occurred despite my best efforts. It's hard to take that step.

And my sympathies back others experiencing this and also to anyone struggling any kind of infertility who reads this. When my DC was 2 or 3 I went to a playground early in the morning and there was only one other mom there who seemed ultra caring and vigilant. We kind of laughed about that. Like a little recognition. While our kids played we talked about our IVF struggle and both of us cried. I usually don't talk too much about it to other people. But I really feel for all the women who go through this.

[Anonymous]

you can't take the stuff with you so bag it up and give it away. count your blessings. so many out there who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. and as a pp said, life goes by quickly and you have to stop dwelling on this and letting it define you. don't ruin your life with these irrational negative thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Maybe letting go of the stuff will be *helpful* for you in the long run? I haven't done the Marie Kondo thing, but the idea of not keeping things that make us feel sad really resonated with me. Continuing to stumble across baby gear in our basement and storage unit was just making me feel sad every time I saw it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe letting go of the stuff will be *helpful* for you in the long run? I haven't done the Marie Kondo thing, but the idea of not keeping things that make us feel sad really resonated with me. Continuing to stumble across baby gear in our basement and storage unit was just making me feel sad every time I saw it.

Yes this. Thank the stuff, cry over it, then let it go on to someone else. It will be sad but it very well may help you in the grieving process.

Then start thinking of things your family can do now that you know another baby won't happen. Trips you can take, things you wouldn't have been able to afford, work goals, etc. Focus on those things.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I should clarify the mom and I became teary when we shared what we went through to have our kids who were playing. It was an emotional exchange about that.

It definitely doesn't "spark joy," PP, so thanks for putting it in that context. It's hard for me to take the step to walk away, especially due to my efforts for a long time to try in the face of a lot of things I had no control over. It's probably one of those things where I just have to make a decision to do it even knowing it's inevitably emotionally hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I should clarify the mom and I became teary when we shared what we went through to have our kids who were playing. It was an emotional exchange about that.

It definitely doesn't "spark joy," PP, so thanks for putting it in that context. It's hard for me to take the step to walk away, especially due to my efforts for a long time to try in the face of a lot of things I had no control over. It's probably one of those things where I just have to make a decision to do it even knowing it's inevitably emotionally hard.

Just start with the stuff that's bulky but not sentimental: potty seat, swing, high chair. If you had another baby miraculously, all of that stuff would be easily replaceable. It's just stuff. Then you can move on to the clothes and more sentimental things later. Or you can make a few passes through things--clothes that were stained or not favorites can go out in the first wave. You will NOT miss those things at all. Then stop and do some more another time.

I know you said time isn't helping. Let me tell you, time DOES help. My son is 9 and I just found a potty seat in our closet and I was like, WTF what kind of crazy hoarders are we that this $hit is still hiding out in here? LOL.

[Anonymous]

I am kind of in/about to start this phase. DS is two, we are about to start IVF for #2 but the drs don't give us much hope. So I'm already in the mindset of what do I do with all these clothes and baby gear that I've stored? I cannot part with it yet. I say if you have room to store it, don't rush it. Wait until you feel ready or even better, forget about it and stumble upon it in your attic. It is SO hard to think I will never have another baby. I haven't wrapped m y head around it yet. But I do see, at a distance, that I am lucky to even be a mother, which I never thought I'd be.Hugs to you!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. PP, I wish you great luck for your next rounds of IVF. I hope you have great doctors. I know it is so hard to let go of that possibility, while still at the same time to see our DC is such a miracle. A good therapist helps.