Lack of spousal support when needed

[Anonymous]

Every few years, there is a life challenge where I need some emotional support from DW. A few years ago, it was a family member’s sudden death which was a major shock to me. Last month, the company I work for went out of business, so I am looking for a new job. I have a great skill set and will find a new position no problem - already have a ton of interviews scheduled.
In both situations, I feel like my DW doesn’t really give me the support I need. She made/makes me feel like my needing her is an interruption to her social life. Like drinking with her friends is more important than being there for me emotionally. I feel like both times I have needed her in the past five years, she hasn’t truly been there for me.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Do I have a terrible relationship?
I am just so sad as I come to the realization that this person I love doesn’t give me the support I need in the very rare instances when I actually need it.

[Anonymous]

Your wife:

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Every few years, there is a life challenge where I need some emotional support from DW. A few years ago, it was a family member’s sudden death which was a major shock to me. Last month, the company I work for went out of business, so I am looking for a new job. I have a great skill set and will find a new position no problem - already have a ton of interviews scheduled.
In both situations, I feel like my DW doesn’t really give me the support I need. She made/makes me feel like my needing her is an interruption to her social life. Like drinking with her friends is more important than being there for me emotionally. I feel like both times I have needed her in the past five years, she hasn’t truly been there for me.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Do I have a terrible relationship?
I am just so sad as I come to the realization that this person I love doesn’t give me the support I need in the very rare instances when I actually need it. [/quote]

My DH is like this. It’s times of trouble when people show you their strength/weakness. People are fallible.

If you can find support from others like those also looking for work or a therapist, then your relationship might survive.

[Anonymous]

In times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom.

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship with her like during non-stressful times?

[Anonymous]

I am not clear what you need from her. Did she not go to the funeral with you? Did she refuse to watch the kids so that you could go? Is she not giving you financial support while you are looking for a job? Or leave you stuck with a young child when you are supposed to go to an interview? Because, yes, that’s unsupportive.

It kind of sounds like you are being mopey and you want her to sit around moping with you. That’s not who she is. The fact that she is super social and fun is probably something you like about her. So this isn’t her thing. That doesn’t mean you are in a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Have you told her what you need?

[Anonymous]

^^^ ditto

You can't hope she will imagine what you want and do it.

Your being unclear and wishy washy.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if a woman wrote this. Replies would be completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told her what you need?

she should just know without him having to explain it all, right? she is emotionally closed off and completely selfish. it's clear she doesn't respect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman wrote this. Replies would be completely different.

In fact there was recently a thread like this with similar replies dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman wrote this. Replies would be completely different.

In fact there was recently a thread like this with similar replies dude.

Really? Because I think it would sound completely ridiculous coming from a woman. What’s the thread?

[Anonymous]

OP, its really painful when you don't feel the support you crave from the person who is supposed to have your back. I think that the first step is in assessing whether she understands what you need and how to give it to you. Sometimes people need to be told explicitly.

That doesn't mean that she isn't, at some level, selfish. But if that were the case, I suspect you'd see it in other areas too. Perhaps some heart to heard conversations are in order--tell her you feel let down and you feel like you are less important than her friends and go from there.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Every few years, there is a life challenge where I need some emotional support from DW. A few years ago, it was a family member’s sudden death which was a major shock to me. Last month, the company I work for went out of business, so I am looking for a new job. I have a great skill set and will find a new position no problem - already have a ton of interviews scheduled.
In both situations, I feel like my DW doesn’t really give me the support I need. She made/makes me feel like my needing her is an interruption to her social life. Like drinking with her friends is more important than being there for me emotionally. I feel like both times I have needed her in the past five years, she hasn’t truly been there for me.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Do I have a terrible relationship?
I am just so sad as I come to the realization that this person I love doesn’t give me the support I need in the very rare instances when I actually need it. [/quote]

Are you in a same sex marriage?

[Anonymous]

Marriage is about compromise. My DH is not the best in an emotional crisis for me either. I know he loves me. He does so many other things well. His emotional support usually consists of trying to tell me why I should not be upset.

I am sorry you feel hurt by your wife's lack of emotional support. But maybe focus on the things she does do well?