s/o grandparents and tweens/teens

[Anonymous]

If your tween/teen has a close relationship with their grandparents, or you did at their age, what does that look like? My oldest is only 5, but my parents are already assuming that there will come a time when they basically don’t interact with her at all aside from sending birthday presents. (They hang out a lot now.) That’s definitely what my relationship was with my grandparents looked like when I was that age, but I know of people who stayed really close all through their teen years and much later. What does that look like for you? I dint think my family’s model is a foregone conclusion and would like to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

My sister's kids are in high school/college and close to my parents. Parents live close, which helps. They attend the kids' sporting events, etc. and spend time at their house so know their friends. They take the kids out to lunch (often individually) and shopping (my parents aren't wealthy, so just to buy a new shirt or something like that). Before they could drive, my parents would help carpool sometimes. It's harder when you don't live close, which is the situation with my kids (who are tweens). But I see the effort my parents make. My dad texts my son about his favorite sports team. They both want to talk to the kids over the phone once in a while. When they visit, my parents take them to lunch and for ice cream, play cards with them, and ask them about their friends, their sports, school, and even their favorite video game. In short, my parents make a lot of effort, unlike DH's parents. That's why my kids feel closer to my parents who live 3000 miles away than to DH's who are 3 miles away.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is something you can really control, OP. My husband was super close with his grandmother but it's because she adored him. She never would have complained or even have had even basic expectations of him like the grandparents in those posts. In her view, her role was to give him whatever he wanted to eat and make his life as comfortable as possible. He's a very nice and accomplished guy, so being spoiled by her did not ruin him. He still talks about having tea and cookies with Nana. I think he was closer to her than to his actual parents. But, that was between them; it wasn't something his parents created.

[Anonymous]

I was close to my maternal grandmother my whole life until she passed when I was 28. She picked me up from school until we immigrated when I was 10. I saw her for a month every summer in middle and highschool and she came to visit here. I wrote letters and talked on the phone and she was wonderful with no judgement and cared and asked about my silly teen and tween concerns. I went to visit once a year in college too but for a week or so.
My own dd is only 2.5 and spends one weekend overnight at my parents house most weeks to get her own time with them. We plan to continue this/ maybe move to a weeknight through her school years. We make a conscious choice now and will later to spend time with grandparents over organized activities. But both sets are actively looking forward to teaching and participating in activities and sports when dd is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is something you can really control, OP. My husband was super close with his grandmother but it's because she adored him. She never would have complained or even have had even basic expectations of him like the grandparents in those posts. In her view, her role was to give him whatever he wanted to eat and make his life as comfortable as possible. He's a very nice and accomplished guy, so being spoiled by her did not ruin him. He still talks about having tea and cookies with Nana. I think he was closer to her than to his actual parents. But, that was between them; it wasn't something his parents created.

This was basically me and my siblings with our grandmother. I can’t imagine her calling mom to tell her that she won’t see us again. She would have herself told us there and then, you did this wrong, and fixed it there and then if needed. There was never a cut in interaction, grandma wanted it, we wanted it and our parents did everything to encourage it - actually, now I remember one summer I wanted to trip to grandma to do something with friends, and had guilt triple layered on me by mom on how grandma lives all year waiting for us to spend this month with her etc etc etc so needless to say, I went with visiting grandmother. After my grandmother passed away, I even more appreciated all the time I spent with her, and cherish the memories I have of when we were younger of her taking us to the pool, hiking, reading, the foods she always prepared just for us, her character, favorite foods, stories, etc.

[Anonymous]

DD is very close to my mom, who lives near us, and who always took my DD to see various Broadway shows (their common love). They go shopping together quite often and my mom goes to all of DDs local dance comps.

DS isn’t particularly close with any grandparent. He gets along fine with all of them but he doesn’t make the extra effort to really connect with any of them. I guess I can say the grandparents don’t make the extra effort either. He’s very into soccer and plays on a travel team and none of the grandparents care for soccer. My dad wishes he’d use his athletic talent for “a real sport” so there’s that. He’s the one i have to remind to call on a birthday or to come sign a card.

This will sound bad, but I honestly don’t care if they have a super close relationship with them. I think it’s more important that they have good relationships with us (parents) and the person we selected as their guardian, which they do.

[Anonymous]

I was close to my grandparents but it was because they took an active role in my life- took me for part of summer vacations, helped buy school clothes, had some parenting authority when I was at their house, so no confusion/angst. If they wanted to feed me ice cream all day and have authority for some consequences if I sassed, and my mom complained, well too bad if she wanted to send the kids to visit grandma.

The thing with some of these posts is that parents want to send their kids to grandparents for a week or two and treat it like they make all the rules, and grandparents want the kids to act exactly the way they expect or they don't enjoy the visit. There is no compromise.

A basic rule like don't hit the kids or make them fish waffles out of the trashcan (another thread) when they refuse to eat. Grandparents can adjust to kids for a week or two, but kids can also adjust to grandparents. It's not all a one way street.

My son is close to my mom (I am definitely not) because he loves his phone- so I make him text her every single day with a picture, update, funny story, to say goodnight. She loves it. I told him if he wants to keep texting his friends, he better text grandma, but they love it.

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old DD is really close to my mom, to the point that she told me yesterday that hanging out with grandma is one of her favorite things to do. Much of this is due to the extraordinary effort my mom puts into her relationships with her grandkids. I love that my daughter has another trusted adult that loves her unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the personality of the grandparents, too. My kids had close relationships with both sets of grandparents when they were young, but now that they're older (tween/teen), they MUCH prefer spending time with one set over the other.

These grandparents adapted to the kids age and do things with them that they enjoys such as taking them out to lunch, or to museums/movies. They also don't try to "parent" them like they other set does. They treat them more like young adults and have conversations with them. The other grandparents always try to teach lessons or explain things to them - it's quite tedious for the kids. (They also bicker a lot too so it's not pleasant for the kids to be around)

[Anonymous]

My DS, now 19, is super close with all grandparents. He is really nice kid, while with them at least...There were issues with DD, teen and my mom and FIL, but that is because they are stuck in their ways misogynists who want her to be a demure and floor scrubbing stereotype of a polite, dutiful Cinderella. I think granddaughters have a harder time with grandparents as teens, but that is because almost all of the world is still stuck in 60s or some other even more sexist decade. As to pp with a 13 year old, it is great your DD is close to grandma, and that grandma puts an effort. My mom told me she will buy a broom for my DD, to teach her how to clear proper as I failed in that skill.

[Anonymous]

My kids are closer to the grandparents who live in the same state as us vs. the ones who live out of state. It's not just the location aspect that helped foster the closeness either. My parents (closer) are more openminded. ILs are more old school in their thinking and they are also old money, so they have certain standards for teens that we just don't think is important. Like, dressing for dinner, cotillion, etc. and they are more stuffy in terms of sexuality. I have a kid who has not come out but definitely toes the waters to gauge reactions, I'm assuming to come out soon. MIL is especially homophobic. The kid is always trying to educate her and explain why her thinking and phrases she says is wrong. They butt heads a lot.

[Anonymous]

Brunch every Sunday morning or family dinner every Sunday night. The grandparents come to every play, recital, big game, concert, etc. we celebrate holidays and birthdays together. The kids call or FaceTime if they haven’t seen them in a while.

[Anonymous]

I wrote letters back and forth with my grandfather until he died when I was in my late 20s (pre email era). I also went and stayed with my other grandparents for a week long visit when I was in my late 20s / early 30s and they were in their 70s.

I thought this was fairly standard / normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote letters back and forth with my grandfather until he died when I was in my late 20s (pre email era). I also went and stayed with my other grandparents for a week long visit when I was in my late 20s / early 30s and they were in their 70s.

I thought this was fairly standard / normal.

So you never met your grandfather and only met your other grandparents once for a week?

[Anonymous]

I grew up next door to one set. My other set - grandfather died before I was born and grandma had a life-altering stroke when I was 3, and she only knew who I was on good days, otherwise she thought I was my 10 year older cousin.

The ones next door - just, the best grandparents you could ask for. I love my parents, but when I got home for college breaks or as an adult, I was more likely to stop in to see them before going home. My grandmother passed when I was 33, 5 years ago, and I’m still pretty broken up about it. Going home isn’t the same, I can’t believe they don’t live next door anymore. Someone else is in their house, my favorite red chair isn’t there anymore, no more homemade cornbread. It’s just weird and sad. What did they do? They were just a constant presence in my life, my own personal cheerleaders. My grandma taught me to cook, knit, did all sorts of projects and crafts, wrote me weekly from the day I left home until the week before she died. Grandfather taught me to fish, would spend endless hours when I was a kid just sitting there and letting me “fix” his hair while telling me stories of growing up in NYC, being in the army, trying to make it as a pro ball player. They were both at every school event, every sports game, concert, recital, etc. I feel lucky to have had them for as long as I did.