Changing mind after marriage counselling

[Anonymous]

The first question the counsellor asked DH and I if this was a marriage we both wanted. At the time, I said yes.

We've been given exercises to do, around resentment and rebuilding trust. I'm now realizing i'm not ready to move past his affair. I'm still angry. I'm not willing to forgive him and move on. I'm thinking I might actually want out but the idea of divorcing him feels just as horrible.

[Anonymous]

The counselor should be helping you talk about wanting/not wanting the marriage. Ambivalence is completely normal post affair.

[Anonymous]

It's also perfectly normal to decide you won't or can't stay with someone who cheated on you. The marriage you wanted, isn't at all the marriage you have, so it really doesn't matter if you wanted a mirage.

There is no way to cheat without being a constant, massive liar. The way to rebuild marriage is for the cheater to come clean immediately about everything, break all contact, ask the victim what he/she wants to rebuild trust and work on doing that and being completely transparent and accountable for actions and whereabout at all times and committed to communicating and working thru conflict verbally and explicitly, even when uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

What kind of exercises is the therapist having you do?

[Anonymous]

What helped me was the individual sessions as well as the dual ones. We actually did reconcile for a bit less than a year after his EA. But the emotional abuse started up again when I got pregnant and I remembered everything from the four solo sessions. It helped me make a decision quickly.

[Anonymous]

Counseling helps you decide. It sounds like it is helping you do just that.

Maybe call the therapist on your own and talk to her about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The counselor should be helping you talk about wanting/not wanting the marriage. Ambivalence is completely normal post affair.

I'm still a little ambivalent. Husband might be, too. Not sure.

[Anonymous]

Someone on DCUM suggested this forum to me years ago. It might help:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

There are forums and threads for people in your exact situation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think in cities like NYC and DC where the cost of living is so high and people are so concerned about status, women are more likely to stay with their cheating spouses. They don't want to give up the status of being a wife, even if they also have a career and work. Or people here wait so long to have kids, once you're in your 30s and stuck in a marriage, you feel you have to stay to be on a timeline to have kids.

It really isn't normal or acceptable behavior to cheat on a spouse and to have that type of a marriage.

I come from a working class family. My father was at home every night by 5:30 p.m. We were all seated at the dinner table every night as a family. It would have been very challenging for him to cheat on my mother, but I'm sure he could have.

It's much easier for people in DC to cheat. Lots of happy hours and business travel.

[Anonymous]

Also, your DH will probably cheat again given the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

If you can't get past it, maybe you don't really love him, either, and this is a great way for you to escape the marriage. Meet someone who will love you.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? If so how many and what ages?

You go to an individual counseling to work out if you want to stay or leave.

Marriage counseling has the sole purpose of saving marriages.

[Anonymous]

Get your own personal counselor. I wish I had but I wasted 10 mos. on a marriage counselor. I’m divorcing cheating husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think in cities like NYC and DC where the cost of living is so high and people are so concerned about status, women are more likely to stay with their cheating spouses. They don't want to give up the status of being a wife, even if they also have a career and work. Or people here wait so long to have kids, once you're in your 30s and stuck in a marriage, you feel you have to stay to be on a timeline to have kids.

It really isn't normal or acceptable behavior to cheat on a spouse and to have that type of a marriage.

I come from a working class family. My father was at home every night by 5:30 p.m. We were all seated at the dinner table every night as a family. It would have been very challenging for him to cheat on my mother, but I'm sure he could have.

It's much easier for people in DC to cheat. Lots of happy hours and business travel.

Oh please my exs AP sucked him off in the work bathroom. Cheaters can find a way. I'm sure your dad was just a decent man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think in cities like NYC and DC where the cost of living is so high and people are so concerned about status, women are more likely to stay with their cheating spouses. They don't want to give up the status of being a wife, even if they also have a career and work. Or people here wait so long to have kids, once you're in your 30s and stuck in a marriage, you feel you have to stay to be on a timeline to have kids.

It really isn't normal or acceptable behavior to cheat on a spouse and to have that type of a marriage.

I come from a working class family. My father was at home every night by 5:30 p.m. We were all seated at the dinner table every night as a family. It would have been very challenging for him to cheat on my mother, but I'm sure he could have.

It's much easier for people in DC to cheat. Lots of happy hours and business travel.

Oh please my exs AP sucked him off in the work bathroom. Cheaters can find a way. I'm sure your dad was just a decent man

I agree. I grew out away from DC. My dad was home every night by 5:30 for dinner, didn't do business travel or happy hours -- but he cheated! And my mom, again, no business travel or happy hours, and she actually worked with her mom for a number of years, cheated back. That said, they worked through that sh!t and are still together and are very happy.

And I'd still consider them both decent, good people. With flaws.
You don't have to be a cheater OR a decent person. You can be both. I know it hurts people to think that you can have flaws and make mistakes and do things that hurt others and still be a good person. But I personally don't judge somebody on just one aspect of their life.