Worried about my mom

[Anonymous]

My mom is only 68 and in good physical health. But lately, I am beginning to worry about her mental capacity. She has lost or accidentally destroyed three iphones over the past 12 months. She picks DS (10) up from an almost full day camp at our local Y and watches him for an hour in the evening, but needs us to go over the pick up and drop off instructions multiple times, even though it has been at the same place and time all summer. She often asks for the same piece of information multiple times (e.g., we were going to brunch and she asked for the address of the restaurant and meeting time 4 times). I feel terrible saying this, but she also seems to have lost interest in talking about anything other than herself (minor disagreements she had w friends from her church choir or book group) or vaguely mean gossip about relatives - she does not ever ask anything about DS, or DH, or I any more at all, which is a big change. I suggested that she see a doctor and she got really offended and brought up the fact that she was capable of doing several trips to Europe with her younger sister this past year (which is true) and is just fine. Should I leave her alone, or keep pressing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is only 68 and in good physical health. But lately, I am beginning to worry about her mental capacity. She has lost or accidentally destroyed three iphones over the past 12 months. She picks DS (10) up from an almost full day camp at our local Y and watches him for an hour in the evening, but needs us to go over the pick up and drop off instructions multiple times, even though it has been at the same place and time all summer. She often asks for the same piece of information multiple times (e.g., we were going to brunch and she asked for the address of the restaurant and meeting time 4 times). I feel terrible saying this, but she also seems to have lost interest in talking about anything other than herself (minor disagreements she had w friends from her church choir or book group) or vaguely mean gossip about relatives - she does not ever ask anything about DS, or DH, or I any more at all, which is a big change. I suggested that she see a doctor and she got really offended and brought up the fact that she was capable of doing several trips to Europe with her younger sister this past year (which is true) and is just fine. Should I leave her alone, or keep pressing this?

Do you have any siblings who might have made similar observations?

Could she be dealing with depression? Sometimes it makes people forgetful and easily angered.

Could she be in some kind of pain or hiding some other medical condition?

Pressing is always a bad idea if it results in pushback. But if she doesnt seem like herself, then surely someone else has noticed? Is your dad still around or does she have a husband?

Give us some idea of who else is around her day to day.

Sorry this is happening. That IS a weird change, in particular no longer asking about how you all are doing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the response. She and my dad have been separated for years, but still have a friendly relationship and see each other socially for a meal around once every other week or so. I will ask him his thoughts, even though they get together relatively infrequently, but am somewhat concerned she will get annoyed if he tells her I asked.
She sees her sisters every few days, my son every day, and DH or I every day. DH and my son are also concerned, but her sisters (one of whom is older and one of whom is younger) are not worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the response. She and my dad have been separated for years, but still have a friendly relationship and see each other socially for a meal around once every other week or so. I will ask him his thoughts, even though they get together relatively infrequently, but am somewhat concerned she will get annoyed if he tells her I asked.
She sees her sisters every few days, my son every day, and DH or I every day. DH and my son are also concerned, but her sisters (one of whom is older and one of whom is younger) are not worried.

Maybe ask your dad to not tell her you asked because she got upset? Seems a reasonable request.

He knows her pretty well I would think, so definitely ask him if he has noticed anything. On a sidenote: THey are still friends after being separated and get together for meals??? Wow.

Im sure you will get other responses as the day goes on. Maybe others have observed similar things with their aging parents. I can say they DO change sometimes. My father is not the person he once was, and his mind is still very sharp intellectually, but interpersonally he has become very very different. Of course he is also 10 years older than your mom but these changes were happening back then. I would have to say more focused on the petty, GAWD...... now that I think about it. Never thought of it that way before.

[Anonymous]

Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

No 50% of those over 85 do not have Alzheimers, but they do have "age related dementia". Its actually a different thing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

Great plan, but as you noted above denial is (often) a symptom of the disease.

Lots of people say they're going for euthanasia when symptoms appear, but few are able to carry out the plan when stricken. Not to mention, once you're symptomatic you're unable to give consent (to euthanasia) in most places.

[Anonymous]

Stop having her pick up your DS. First thing, do that. Don't rely on favors from someone you are worried about ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is only 68 and in good physical health. But lately, I am beginning to worry about her mental capacity. She has lost or accidentally destroyed three iphones over the past 12 months. She picks DS (10) up from an almost full day camp at our local Y and watches him for an hour in the evening, but needs us to go over the pick up and drop off instructions multiple times, even though it has been at the same place and time all summer. She often asks for the same piece of information multiple times (e.g., we were going to brunch and she asked for the address of the restaurant and meeting time 4 times). I feel terrible saying this, but she also seems to have lost interest in talking about anything other than herself (minor disagreements she had w friends from her church choir or book group) or vaguely mean gossip about relatives - she does not ever ask anything about DS, or DH, or I any more at all, which is a big change. I suggested that she see a doctor and she got really offended and brought up the fact that she was capable of doing several trips to Europe with her younger sister this past year (which is true) and is just fine. Should I leave her alone, or keep pressing this?

Sounds like my mom five years ago. Same age. Same behaviors.

She now thinks Trump is bugging our family’s cell phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

The bolded is offensive. I went to school for 6 years for my degrees and certificates in order to provide care as you describe. I enjoy my job and get paid well for the honour. I don’t feel disempowered/lose sleep/worry about wiping your butt as much as you evidently do but that’s your prerogative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

Or she’s stubborn... or she’s a hypochondriac... or any one of a million possibilities. Diagnosing people online is not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Denial is actually one of the earliest signs of cognitive issues. You have to be a very determined person to be aware of the possibility of Alzheimer's and then want to do something about it. By age 85, 50% of people have it but there is no routine testing, the only illness treated through complete avoidance. You will find people will eagerly go for all kinds of bloodwork, mammograms etc. etc. but when it comes to the brain, people shut down.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio, every six months, started at age 55, and will go to Switzerland to be "put down" if I get it. I refuse to be in denial, refuse to be a caregiver, refuse to be a burden and refuse to spend my lifetime's assets on "care" AKA dumping on low-status women who have to look after elderly people with this illness.

I'm also considered "very strange" to be so proactive. If you ask your mother to take the SAGE test and she refuses, it's very likely that she has early stage dementia.

The bolded is offensive. I went to school for 6 years for my degrees and certificates in order to provide care as you describe. I enjoy my job and get paid well for the honour. I don’t feel disempowered/lose sleep/worry about wiping your butt as much as you evidently do but that’s your prerogative.

Please. 95% of the people in care taking roles are CNAs - which is a six week certification. And yes, these are primarily women with low socioeconomic status who have no other options. Wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is only 68 and in good physical health. But lately, I am beginning to worry about her mental capacity. She has lost or accidentally destroyed three iphones over the past 12 months. She picks DS (10) up from an almost full day camp at our local Y and watches him for an hour in the evening, but needs us to go over the pick up and drop off instructions multiple times, even though it has been at the same place and time all summer. She often asks for the same piece of information multiple times (e.g., we were going to brunch and she asked for the address of the restaurant and meeting time 4 times). I feel terrible saying this, but she also seems to have lost interest in talking about anything other than herself (minor disagreements she had w friends from her church choir or book group) or vaguely mean gossip about relatives - she does not ever ask anything about DS, or DH, or I any more at all, which is a big change. I suggested that she see a doctor and she got really offended and brought up the fact that she was capable of doing several trips to Europe with her younger sister this past year (which is true) and is just fine. Should I leave her alone, or keep pressing this?

Sounds like my mom five years ago. Same age. Same behaviors.

She now thinks Trump is bugging our family’s cell phones.

He may be.

[grace4ever]

I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. There is always hope even in the most difficult moments of our lives. It is understandable that in our lives we have concern for our loved ones as they get older. It is common that as individuals we tend to forget things in our memory. However, your mother may have some resentments of those in her past that she has been with, yet whatever is of leisure and travel that is something that she doesn’t forget so easily. Counseling works through things like this. Your mother is worth of fighting for. I have the impression that there are those out there who are older than us who can be uncomfortable to talk to because as you say, they only focus on themselves. However I encourage you to be patient with your mother because that is part of getting older. Have you considered of finding some relative to encourage your mother to see a doctor and a therapist? Hang in there! Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend. Keep us posted, Ok?