Please Tell me Life with or After the Sandwich improves

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 40s with tween kids and dealing with aging parent issues (dementia, surgeries, needing me more) closeby and then DH's parents are farther away, but also issues, though more complicated since mom was al alcoholic and dad left and moved on.I am not looking for advice like getting more siblings involved in care or going to a support group. I know that stuff. I am just looking for some hope that it gets better or there is light. I feel stressed, but the end game leaves me an orphan and I love my parents, though i don't want them to suffer. My kids go through pleasant and tweeny phases and I know they will grow up and anything with them gets better sometimes that day or in a week or whatever. I just don't see where there is all headed, but my kids become adults and I lose my parents and IDK, my husband and I have more time to eachother-the one silver lining?

[Anonymous]

I adored my parents. I was devastated when they died. But I let go of a lot of anxiety after they both were gone, as did my siblings. The grief has dissipated significantly 3 years after my mother died, and the main source of stress (primarily fear of parents’ death, not knowing what the future holds for them, etc) in my life is gone now. I miss them, I love them, and I have no shame that I am glad that I don’t have to worry about them any more.

My kids are 13 and 8, and have grown up enough that I enjoy traveling with them. Now that my parents are gone and we don’t visit them every chance we get we are free to choose our travel destinations. That is an enriching and joyful thing in our lives.

I would give all that up to bring my parents back happy and healthy, but I can’t so I do what they would have wanted; find happiness and silver linings elsewhere.

I feel your pain, and wish you the best for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I adored my parents. I was devastated when they died. But I let go of a lot of anxiety after they both were gone, as did my siblings. The grief has dissipated significantly 3 years after my mother died, and the main source of stress (primarily fear of parents’ death, not knowing what the future holds for them, etc) in my life is gone now. I miss them, I love them, and I have no shame that I am glad that I don’t have to worry about them any more.

My kids are 13 and 8, and have grown up enough that I enjoy traveling with them. Now that my parents are gone and we don’t visit them every chance we get we are free to choose our travel destinations. That is an enriching and joyful thing in our lives.

I would give all that up to bring my parents back happy and healthy, but I can’t so I do what they would have wanted; find happiness and silver linings elsewhere.

I feel your pain, and wish you the best for the future.

OP here. Thank you. This is really helpful. I adore my parents too and it so hard to see them struggle. I do see how one of the biggest stressors causing me anxiety is what you mention-fear of their death or not knowing what the future holds for them.

[Anonymous]

I lost both of my parents in a three year period and it was very difficult but they had led long and happy lives though their last few years were pretty miserable. Fortunately my kids were past their teen years so I wasn't being squeezed but we had other pressures at that time that were very intense. But like everything else you go through passages both good and bad that you need to deal with as it's all part of life. I always found it helpful to create quiet time where just for an hour or two I could simply zone out and catch my breath. I miss my parents greatly but I'm over the sadness of that few year period and we worked though the other stresses.

[Anonymous]

My prents are both gone and I echo that feeling of stress worrying about their future and their death. Even knowing that health was failing did not prevent shock when happened.

My kids are no longer babies - they range from 10 to 20. Much as I miss them always being here and needing me (I am really a baby and toddler person), there is something really nice about how your relationship changes. They need me advice and to teach them to drive and for learning how to adult (buying cars, budgeting, finding jobs). We have conversations every day. I’m still getting used to trips with only part of the family but it’s nice to have more time with the younger kids.

Another thing is having time for hobbies. When you don’t have to constantly be on call, you have time for yourself. This coincides with having more vacation time due to longevity at our jobs and also with a bit more expendable income - minimal childcare costs but teens are expensive!

[Anonymous]

I’m 66, retired. Raised family, cared for ailing parents before they died. When I turned 65 I decided it was my turn; I’d lived my life for other people, trying to make them happy, doing what had to be done to keep the family running, working hard. This is the best time of my life; I live as I want to, do (or don’t do) what I want, without being mean or harming anyone. I’ve walked away from drama, from trying to help others all the time. I want a quiet, serene title life, and I have the opportunity to build a life I like now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. These are helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm in my mid 40s with tween kids and dealing with aging parent issues (dementia, surgeries, needing me more) closeby and then DH's parents are farther away, but also issues, though more complicated since mom was al alcoholic and dad left and moved on.I am not looking for advice like getting more siblings involved in care or going to a support group. I know that stuff. I am just looking for some hope that it gets better or there is light. I feel stressed, but the end game leaves me an orphan and I love my parents, though i don't want them to suffer. My kids go through pleasant and tweeny phases and I know they will grow up and anything with them gets better sometimes that day or in a week or whatever. I just don't see where there is all headed, but my kids become adults and I lose my parents and IDK, my husband and I have more time to eachother-the one silver lining?

The silver lining is being able to spend more time with your husband. Try and focus on the best parts of life and know it will pass so quickly. The empty nest is only lonely if you haven't cultivated a good relationship with your husband along the way. I'll be 48 this year with both our children moved out. My husband and I are really enjoying our time together and having the freedom to travel. Prayers for strength to cope with aging parents (I know it can be difficult). Also, enjoy those tweens and soon to be teens they will out and busy with their own lives before you can blink.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50's with older teenagers. My dad first became ill when I was in my 20's and he passed away when I was in my early 30's. I visited him often and was there to give my mom lots of moral support but mom was the caregiver to my father.

My mom chose to pare down and move to a retirement community where she has close access to shopping, restaurants, doctors, the hospital, etc. I visit her but I don't worry about her the way I see some of the sandwich generation doing. Her retirement community provides shuttle transportation, 3 meals a day, activities, maintenance and maid service. What she has done for her adult children is a huge blessing to all of us. When the time comes, I will be doing something similar for my own kids to the extent that I can afford to. I will definitely be simplifying my life and what needs to be done in terms of housework, yard work, etc.

[Anonymous]

It is o.k. to make yourself a priority, btw. If you never carve out any time for yourself to do things that make you happy, the time may never come for you to do so.

You can't be everything to everyone. You can't make other people happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 66, retired. Raised family, cared for ailing parents before they died. When I turned 65 I decided it was my turn; I’d lived my life for other people, trying to make them happy, doing what had to be done to keep the family running, working hard. This is the best time of my life; I live as I want to, do (or don’t do) what I want, without being mean or harming anyone. I’ve walked away from drama, from trying to help others all the time. I want a quiet, serene title life, and I have the opportunity to build a life I like now.

I want this for DH and I, too. Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50's with older teenagers. My dad first became ill when I was in my 20's and he passed away when I was in my early 30's. I visited him often and was there to give my mom lots of moral support but mom was the caregiver to my father.

My mom chose to pare down and move to a retirement community where she has close access to shopping, restaurants, doctors, the hospital, etc. I visit her but I don't worry about her the way I see some of the sandwich generation doing. Her retirement community provides shuttle transportation, 3 meals a day, activities, maintenance and maid service. What she has done for her adult children is a huge blessing to all of us. When the time comes, I will be doing something similar for my own kids to the extent that I can afford to. I will definitely be simplifying my life and what needs to be done in terms of housework, yard work, etc.

There are some really wonderful senior communities out there. I wish my dad had been open to something like that. We have a family friend in one and I see what it is like for her and I really think my dad would have enjoyed the experience.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My father died ten years before my mother and she developed Alzheimer’s. Nothing is worse. When she died last year, it was a true blessing.