Sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

I’m not quite 50, but I’m the sole help for my Dad who is in his 80’s. I also have school age children and no other family in the area. I’m struggling to juggle all of the demands and keep my sanity. Any suggestions on how to balance it all would be appreciated. He doesn’t drive and won’t go out anywhere without me, like to doctors appointments. He lives in a retirement community but doesn’t participate in many of their activities or use the transportation they provide.

[Anonymous]

Time to set your boundaries. "He doesn't" is no longer an option.

"Dad, I can't be available to take you everywhere. You need to start using the community transport or take a cab."

I know it's hard to become the parent to your parent, but that's where you are.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. Unfortunately you need to start making more strict rules for your father. But try to do it respectfully by having a conversation with him. Explain everything you're juggling and the restrictions you need to work around. Pull out the calendar and tell him the two of you need to coordinate dates so it works for everyone.

He should feel he still has some say.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. Is what I meant to say.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes tough love is the only way to go OP. I know you will feel guilty for a while but you have your own nuclear family to take care of and it isn't fair to them.

[Anonymous]

Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children. That said, can you teach him to take Uber, and possibly meet him at the doctor? Another route is to find him an aide/companion who will drive, and force him to get out of the room, which is a great solution for you both. But men are notoriously poor listeners at the Dr.and do need assistance with medical care, especially at his age. Can you team up with his community to get these services? A lot of so called independent communities have huge populations with aides for the reason you need one for your Dad. I think you need to hire your way out of this one.

[Anonymous]

The exact same kind of situation is happening in my family right now. My MIL is 87 and wants her immediate family at her side for everything. She feels more secure and safe that way. She most likely doesn't have any idea of the severe toll this takes on everyone, and even if she did, she still wants them there.

But the family has turned a new corner, so instead of letting the her make all the decisions, they have had to step in and start making more realistic decisions for her. That's how it has to be. There must be a team effort to ensure that everyone's personal life is taken care of too. And in your case, bringing in a new set of hands to handle some of the tasks sounds logical.

You seem to have a big heart and that is so beautiful to see. Being a caretaker brings with it many sacrifices of love. It puts your emotions in a very vulnerable place. What you feel is valid and important. Please be good to yourself and find the freedom and confidence https://bit.ly/2LbJFol to take advantage of more help.

[Anonymous]

Amen to all posters. We in my family are having our own version of this movie, which is not without its comic moments. Took a number of factors to get my Mom to understand that she might have kids and grandkids, but that doesn't mean she can rely on them for rides, groceries, etc, particularly when she lives in a community that provides a lot of services she had never bothered to learn about. And when some of her favorite ride-givers either work full-time, or live in different cities, or both!

I've always found the expression "there are no victims, only volunteers" a little harsh, but there's a kernel of truth there. At some point you have to stop volunteering to be victimized by your father's increasing age and needs. Remember that:

1) Your children need you too;
2) If you weren't around, your father would find some way to get to his appointments; and
3) You need time for yourself, particularly with all that pressure on you.

Good luck with it all!

[Anonymous]

My therapist said to me, you have to prioritize the new generation. As in, your kids need you more than your dad. So you have to figure out ways of keeping him safe but not taking such a toll on you. That probably means outsourcing. He may not like it and even try to make you feel bad about it, but set some limits. It will just get worse until he passes away if you don't.

If you need to, see an elder care consultant about ways to do this. I did and it helped tremendously.

[Anonymous]

My DD set up an Uber account for my mom. She’s used it twice only, but it has alleviated my guilt. My mother refused to get her license when I was growing up so she was very good at public transportation and it is her preference. I have to let her do it her way because I can’t help her or my kids at all if I lose my job providing rides on her schedule.

[Anonymous]

"Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children." It's actually giving your kids a bad role model for aging, so they see the elderly as childlike, petulant and unable to do anything for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California has shown that the boomers are actually the first group that did this caregiving en masse. Before that the boomer parents and grandparents actually did not support the elderly very much, even for living relatives. They would move and let the elders fend for themselves and the parents were okay with that.

I agree with Emanuel Ezekiel, we are living too long. I don't have kids to dump on so I have to be proactive. No cancer screening, medical aid in dying for anything that qualifies and "business class to Zurich" for early Alzheimer's. I believe in quality not quality of life and let younger people live a normal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children." It's actually giving your kids a bad role model for aging, so they see the elderly as childlike, petulant and unable to do anything for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California has shown that the boomers are actually the first group that did this caregiving en masse. Before that the boomer parents and grandparents actually did not support the elderly very much, even for living relatives. They would move and let the elders fend for themselves and the parents were okay with that.

I agree with Emanuel Ezekiel, we are living too long. I don't have kids to dump on so I have to be proactive. No cancer screening, medical aid in dying for anything that qualifies and "business class to Zurich" for early Alzheimer's. I believe in quality not quality of life and let younger people live a normal life.

So from one study you have managed to convince yourself that helping others is not modeling loving behavior? Do you even have kids? If so maybe you shouldn't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children." It's actually giving your kids a bad role model for aging, so they see the elderly as childlike, petulant and unable to do anything for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California has shown that the boomers are actually the first group that did this caregiving en masse. Before that the boomer parents and grandparents actually did not support the elderly very much, even for living relatives. They would move and let the elders fend for themselves and the parents were okay with that.

I agree with Emanuel Ezekiel, we are living too long. I don't have kids to dump on so I have to be proactive. No cancer screening, medical aid in dying for anything that qualifies and "business class to Zurich" for early Alzheimer's. I believe in quality not quality of life and let younger people live a normal life.

I don't understand this, in previous generations most people lived in multigenerational houses or lived down the street in the same community. It is only in the past few generations that mobility has been such a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not quite 50, but I’m the sole help for my Dad who is in his 80’s. I also have school age children and no other family in the area. I’m struggling to juggle all of the demands and keep my sanity. Any suggestions on how to balance it all would be appreciated. He doesn’t drive and won’t go out anywhere without me, like to doctors appointments. He lives in a retirement community but doesn’t participate in many of their activities or use the transportation they provide.

Does he want you to go to doctor's appointments so that you hear what the doctor is saying and can help him remember later?

[Anonymous]

I went through the same with my mom. She was in an Assisted Living facility but "hated" everyone there (it really was a lovely place). She only wanted my brother or I to take her places. We started off doing that but realized pretty quickly it wasn't sustainable long term.

So, we ended up with a combination of me, my brother, and a weekly aid that would take her places. She ended up adoring he aid, and it also allowed us to spend more quality time with Mom rather than running around any time we got to her.

It really was the best of both worlds.

I wish you luck. I know it's difficult.

I am now in a similar situation with my MIL.