Divorce but keep living together

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 4 years. Our marriage is miserable and circling the drain. Divorce is a matter of when. I want to divorce soon because he is the kind of greedy idiot who will seek alimony because I outearn him by about $200k, even though he makes well into the six figures. I’ve been told that the shorter our marriage is, the more likely alimony will be lower or denied. But we have 2 small children who neither of us wants to uproot.

I am thinking of approaching him with a request for divorce so I am no longer legally responsible for him. But we can continue raising our kids under the same roof to avoid shuttling them between two households. I think he would go for this. Has anyone ever seen this kind of arrangement work? I couldn’t care less if he starts dating again.

[Anonymous]

See an attorney. I doubt you'd have to pay alimony since he's employed and not a long-term stay-at-home parent. You'd probably have to pay some child support.

It's better for kids to have two happy parents in different houses than two parents who dislike each other who live together and date others.

[Anonymous]

Uproot the kids. They will be relieved.

[Anonymous]

My coworker has done this for about 5 years. She and her ex are very friendly and good roommates. Separate bedrooms and living rooms. They occasionally go on platonic "dates" out, but there's no sex or anything. It works for them but neither of them date because who wants to get involved in that situation? They don't care because they are focused on their 13 year old DD who has gone through some very traumatic stuff in the last few years unrelated to her parents' divorce. To me it seems providing that stability of staying under the same roof as a family has been crucial for the DD and the family to heal and deal with what happened to the DD.

I don't know if it would work well for many families though. I think very few actually.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have it in your head that you would have to pay alimony? Get a lawyer. And get a therapist. The last thing your kids need is to be under the same roof where their parents have so much contempt for one another. That’s way more damaging than living in 2 households.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are approaching this as a business decision. It's not.

[Anonymous]

His dating options will be limited. Once he realizes this, he will move from the situation.

[Anonymous]

Is this kind of arrangement even possible? I thought couples had to be physically separated (not living under the same roof) for a minimum of 12 months before divorce can proceed? Barring serious issues like domestic violence, incarceration, etc. How do you get around the 12-month separation period?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uproot the kids. They will be relieved.

Do it while they are young. Talk to a lawyer

[Anonymous]

Have you guys tried counseling? Two young kids and only married 4 years sounds like you're in the thick of some of the hardest parts of parenting. You guys liked each other enough to get married - surely there will be something to salvage once these really hard years are behind you?

[Anonymous]

Isn’t there a new sitcom about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you guys tried counseling? Two young kids and only married 4 years sounds like you're in the thick of some of the hardest parts of parenting. You guys liked each other enough to get married - surely there will be something to salvage once these really hard years are behind you?

This. Not only did they like each other enough to get married, but they’ve recently liked the other enough to have unprotected sex at least twice. For your kids’ sake, at least try counseling. If nothing else, you both can talk with the therapist about how to unpack this with the kids and ensure their needs are met. Neither of you are in good place to ensure that happens.

[Anonymous]

Look in the mirror, there is more than one greedy spouse living in the house. The money that you would have to pay in alimony (if any) would have a beneficial affect on the lives of your children. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Being generous (I am not just talking about money) goes a long way towards future happiness - yours and your children's.

[Anonymous]

If he is working, he will not get alimony but would probably get high child support depending on the time share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 4 years. Our marriage is miserable and circling the drain. Divorce is a matter of when. I want to divorce soon because he is the kind of greedy idiot who will seek alimony because I outearn him by about $200k, even though he makes well into the six figures. I’ve been told that the shorter our marriage is, the more likely alimony will be lower or denied. But we have 2 small children who neither of us wants to uproot.

I am thinking of approaching him with a request for divorce so I am no longer legally responsible for him. But we can continue raising our kids under the same roof to avoid shuttling them between two households. I think he would go for this. Has anyone ever seen this kind of arrangement work? I couldn’t care less if he starts dating again.

Who does drop off and pick ups? Do either of you travel? Who is the default parent? Who stays home when the children are sick? If you take turns, who it the one who does it the first day? What are your work hours (including commute)? What are your spouses? Have either of you had to pull off the accelerator on your careers since the children were born? How are household chores divided?

Some of these answers may impact alimony.