BIL is a total a$$

[Anonymous]

My sister and BIL live across the country and we don’t see them too often, and when we do it’s usually not for longer periods of time. We just spent a week with them and I had the chance to see how horrible my BIL is to my sister. I would say he is borderline emotionally abusive and while he does have some redeeming qualities, for me they don’t outweigh the negatives.

First off, he has a sarcastic personality to begin with, but he constantly makes fun of my sister and puts her down for the smallest things. “Oh, look at Larla changing the baby’s diaper again, she is smothering the kid” (after the baby poops and needs a diaper change). Or, “have you ever met anyone who takes longer to get ready and doesn’t even look all that good” when my sister is running late. He jokes about her not having lost all her baby weight (their kid is 13 months) and comments on what she should and should not be eating. We all went to get ice cream and in front of everyone he asked her if she was sure she wanted to eat hers, and then gave her a “look”. He also constantly undermines and critiques her parenting and she basically can’t do anything right. Yesterday, for example, he wanted to take their one year old swimming after my sister had just put her down for a nap and she fell asleep. He woke the poor kid up just to bring her to the pool.

I just don’t get what my sister sees in him. She is a respected surgeon and absolutely the breadwinner in their family. Even my sister’s best friend has said things to me about how she can’t stand him.

I assume I don’t say something to her right?

[Anonymous]

Not borderline emotional abuse- but very emotionally abusive. I would speak to her about it ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I would say something. I would wait until he said something particularly awful and the next time she and I could be alone I would say, "You know, if you ever decide to leave him, Jason and I will totally help you. You and the baby can come stay with us, I will use vacation days to help you move out and interview nannies. You deserve so much better than this."

OP, what does BIL do for a living? Is it possible he is insecure because she's a surgeon?

[Anonymous]

I might broach the topic gently asking if she thought her DH was okay during the trip (in case he maybe felt uncomfortable and acted stupidly and also to give her the sense that you are not being judgmental) If she asks why you can say you overheard quite a fe comments that made you very uncomfortable and you opted not to call him out on it and potentially cause issues before you checked in with her. Hear her out. Then you can say what you heard and how it made you feel. That opens a door for you to offer help/support/advice as appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I find it amazing that she has the confidence to become a surgeon and then continue to operate on people, but lacks the confidence to reject this treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it amazing that she has the confidence to become a surgeon and then continue to operate on people, but lacks the confidence to reject this treatment.

NP. I agree with you, but maybe she feels like she would have to pay alimony, and might not get custody. Don't surgeons have really demanding/ erratic schedules? That wouldn't be in her favor.

OP has to feel out the situation.

[Anonymous]

You witnessed his sh*tty behavior towards your sister and you didn't put him in his place or at least call him out on his comments? I would never let anyone speak to my sister that way.

[Anonymous]

I would say something to him in front of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it amazing that she has the confidence to become a surgeon and then continue to operate on people, but lacks the confidence to reject this treatment.

I don't think it's that surprising. Work and home life can be totally different. I was always super confident and successful in my school and work life and a shy wallflower in my personal life, until I had kids and learned to open up more. If she's a surgeon, she's getting constant validation at work and is the one with the power. But at home her asshole husband is tearing her down and undermining her.

He also sounds like a jerk generally. Who wakes up a small child at the beginning of their nap for no good reason?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say something. I would wait until he said something particularly awful and the next time she and I could be alone I would say, "You know, if you ever decide to leave him, Jason and I will totally help you. You and the baby can come stay with us, I will use vacation days to help you move out and interview nannies. You deserve so much better than this."

I like this.

If he says these things to her in public, I wonder what he says in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it amazing that she has the confidence to become a surgeon and then continue to operate on people, but lacks the confidence to reject this treatment.

You obviously know nothing about domestic abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You witnessed his sh*tty behavior towards your sister and you didn't put him in his place or at least call him out on his comments? I would never let anyone speak to my sister that way.

Then you risk things getting worse behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Your sister seems very insecure with herself & has low self esteem if she's putting up with this nonsense... was she always this way, or did his emotional abuse have the desired effect he intended?

She needs to be reminded of what an incredible catch she is.
He may have intentionally driven down her self esteem so she doesn't ever leave him, because he knows what a great catch she is (insecure men will always say things like "look at you, no guy will ever want you again looking like that" or "You'll be single forever because no guy wants to raise another guy's kid").

It's either that or he's just an asshole, period.
I love the mentality of the guy who thinks that calling his wife fat or moo'ing when she eats is going to motivate her to go to the gym & she'll think "I'll show him!"... but in reality, all it makes the wife do is eat more from pain, stress & depression from the emotional abuse.

Your BIL sounds like a total douche & if I were you, I'd hire some big ass dude to threaten him & scare the absolute living shit out of him, lol.

Guys like him need to be knocked down a few notches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might broach the topic gently asking if she thought her DH was okay during the trip (in case he maybe felt uncomfortable and acted stupidly and also to give her the sense that you are not being judgmental) If she asks why you can say you overheard quite a fe comments that made you very uncomfortable and you opted not to call him out on it and potentially cause issues before you checked in with her. Hear her out. Then you can say what you heard and how it made you feel. That opens a door for you to offer help/support/advice as appropriate.

This. If you attack him, you risk making her defend him. If you ask her how she is, how she's feeling, how things are, you give her a chance to talk. Listen.

[Anonymous]

So your BIL is insecure a** who puts down his successful wife to feel better about himself? And your highly educated sister puts up with this? I hate women like her. Question is what is wrong with your sister? I hope that when you are not there she tells this a** to shut up? If she never does, why is she such a push over? Were your parents like her DH and she is used to such treatment and thinks it is normal? You are her sister, speak to her about being a strong woman and not taking shit from anyone.