Getting a kid to counseling

[Anonymous]

What do you do if you think your kid needs help from a counselor but your kid doesn't think it's necessary? How do you get them there? I know it seems like a dumb question. I could take away Xbox, tv, and phone but I don't want to make counseling a punishment. I want it to be useful. Suggestions? I'm concerned about anxiety and depression.

[Anonymous]

Make an appointment with your kid's doctor. Beginning at age 12, they should have kids fill out a depression screening at all annual physicals. They can talk to your child and encourage him/her to seek counseling. Most offices have a way to contact the doctor ahead of the visit to give them heads up about your concern- ours is through their online system.

[Anonymous]

My child's therapist recommended family therapy as a way to begin. That way, the child is off the hot seat. It was very effective at the time and 2 years later, DD asked to see the therapist herself.

[Anonymous]

I had a very resistant, very depressed teen. I took away internet if he didn’t go to his weekly appointment. It was less about punishing and more about prioritizing the most important thing he needed to do. He got it back as soon as he went to the next appointment. Eventually he established a rapport with the therapist and was feeling better and it wasn’t a struggle to get him there anymore.

[Anonymous]

Bribery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child's therapist recommended family therapy as a way to begin. That way, the child is off the hot seat. It was very effective at the time and 2 years later, DD asked to see the therapist herself.

I have a younger kid, but same here. Recommendation was not to single the child out. Moreover, the child's issues impacted the entire family so it's not just a ruse in that family therapy could be helpful.

OP, I would look into the family therapy approach and/or I would tell the child that you are in charge of health matters while they are a minor and you are going to insist on this. You can also offer some sort of bribe or reward after if the child commits to going and being an active participant. But, you wouldn't allow your kid to decide a broken leg doesn't need medical attention. Same here.

[Anonymous]

Think about whether there is any element of your child's challenges that the child will recognize is a problem or will want "fixed". "Do you remember that time you were looking forward to Larlo's pool party, but you said you felt too tired to go that day? Wouldn't it be great if you felt the energy to get out of bed and do the things you want?"

Our child psychologist told us we needed to use something the child cared about - even if it wasn't the main reason we were seeking therapy. Even if that alone wouldn't really be enough reason to seek therapy. She strongly advised against picking something I alone wanted fixed or saying that the reason was behavioral problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child's therapist recommended family therapy as a way to begin. That way, the child is off the hot seat. It was very effective at the time and 2 years later, DD asked to see the therapist herself.

I have a younger kid, but same here. Recommendation was not to single the child out. Moreover, the child's issues impacted the entire family so it's not just a ruse in that family therapy could be helpful.

OP, I would look into the family therapy approach and/or I would tell the child that you are in charge of health matters while they are a minor and you are going to insist on this. You can also offer some sort of bribe or reward after if the child commits to going and being an active participant. But, you wouldn't allow your kid to decide a broken leg doesn't need medical attention. Same here.

Totally agree with this. If DC has enough going on to need therapy chances are the family will all benefit. I would set the initial bar for reward as just going to family therapy and let the therapist draw DC into participation. If the therapist isn't able to draw DC into participation after a couple of sessions with the family, they probably aren't a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. I'll have to try making it about helping solve an issue that she seems to have trouble with and the family therapy is a great idea! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

a thousand times better to bribe than to take stuff away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bribery

I would call it reward, but yep, same thing. And the therapist suggested it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll probably get judged for this but you do what you have to in the moment. My 12 y/o DS has been going to therapy for a couple of months to deal with anger and frustration tolerance. This week, he had a rough 24 hours and then appointment time came up. He was embarrassed that he'd have to discuss what had been going on and refused to go to the appointment, eventually got in the car, and then refused to get out when we got there. I tried coaxing, encouraging, demanding, but nothing worked. I left him in the car and went in to see the therapist myself. He wrote a note asking DS to come in so he could hear about his summer plans. I went back, showed DS the note and basically begged him to come in saying that I needed him to help ME do better and that we all have to work together to improve. That's what worked. Putting it on myself more than him, which is true. His dad and I are trying to parent him better/differently and we all have work to do. We ended up with a good therapy session and a happier evening. This shit is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a thousand times better to bribe than to take stuff away

Yes. You can't punish people for doing something that is hard. But it's hard to know what to do in the heat of the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'll probably get judged for this but you do what you have to in the moment. My 12 y/o DS has been going to therapy for a couple of months to deal with anger and frustration tolerance. This week, he had a rough 24 hours and then appointment time came up. He was embarrassed that he'd have to discuss what had been going on and refused to go to the appointment, eventually got in the car, and then refused to get out when we got there. I tried coaxing, encouraging, demanding, but nothing worked. I left him in the car and went in to see the therapist myself. He wrote a note asking DS to come in so he could hear about his summer plans. I went back, showed DS the note and basically begged him to come in saying that I needed him to help ME do better and that we all have to work together to improve. That's what worked. Putting it on myself more than him, which is true. His dad and I are trying to parent him better/differently and we all have work to do. We ended up with a good therapy session and a happier evening. This shit is tough.

OP here. Thank you for your honesty and i totally feel you. This shit is really so tough. I definitely need to be a better parent. It's not all just about my kid. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

My son was paralyzed by the idea of in person therapy. We use an online therapist.