How Do You Discuss Asperger’s With a Teen

[Anonymous]

Two questions for my fellow parents of kids with aspergers.
My DS, 13, just got an official adhd and aspergers diagnosis.
Did you discuss this with your child? And can you recommend a great book for parenting a teen with aspergers?
DS takes adderall already—which helped tremendously—and i believe is aware he is slightly different than the norm.
I also think he is mature enough to benefit from a loving but honest discussion about this—and would probably be able to regulate his behavior a little better knowing what the doctor confirmed for me.
But, I’d like to hear if possible from other parents who have had this experience and how they broached the subject.
I am told by DW that I can be a little blunt in my delivery so I’d like to get it right the first time

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids that everyone has a different way of thinking, processing information and learning.

[Anonymous]

We talked about it when he was 4, because he wanted to know what made him different, and I gave him some books to read when he was 7-8. Now he’s 13, and can discuss these things like a grown-up. So OP, print out some material from a respectable source, get some books about it, and be very matter-of-fact. There is no shame in any of this.

[Anonymous]

We have explained every strength and challenge to our kid. Against most of what I read here, we opted out of telling our kid about HFA. We know he would do google research and find out most school shooters have the same label and freak out. He knows everything he needs to know to advocate for himself and he does it well. I'm sure people will say I am crazy, but not giving him that label. Have told him his other labels...ADHD, hyperlexia, etc.

[Anonymous]

DS has always known he has Asperger's. He got the diagnosis when he was 4. He also knows he has ADHD: He was diagnosed at 7. It's not a big deal. Everyone is different. DS is 10 now.

I agree with the pp to present the facts in a matter of fact way. Bluntly was fine with our kid. It is what he is

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all for the advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have explained every strength and challenge to our kid. Against most of what I read here, we opted out of telling our kid about HFA. We know he would do google research and find out most school shooters have the same label and freak out. He knows everything he needs to know to advocate for himself and he does it well. I'm sure people will say I am crazy, but not giving him that label. Have told him his other labels...ADHD, hyperlexia, etc.

BS. Maybe you should do a Google search, to find out that's not true.

[Anonymous]

When he went in for the evaluation at 13, he knew what it was an evaluation for, so of course, we also shared the results. At this age I can't imagine keeping from him. That doesn't seem right, because a kid that age will know they are different, and knowing more about how their mind works is helpful. I was so nervous about bringing it up with him, but in fact he'd already suspected it in himself. It was a relief for all concerned.

I liked this: https://www.amazon.com/Asperkids-Secret-Book-Social-Rules/dp/1849059152 and my son read it too (though he didn't want to share his thoughts about it)

this might be more than you want, but it's also good. https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698

I liked Look Me in the Eye too, by John Elder Robinson

[Anonymous]

My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have explained every strength and challenge to our kid. Against most of what I read here, we opted out of telling our kid about HFA. We know he would do google research and find out most school shooters have the same label and freak out. He knows everything he needs to know to advocate for himself and he does it well. I'm sure people will say I am crazy, but not giving him that label. Have told him his other labels...ADHD, hyperlexia, etc.

BS. Maybe you should do a Google search, to find out that's not true.

+1 million

People with HFA are neither angels nor demons. I’ve spent a decade working with tweens and teens on this end of the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

You are oversimplifying. Anyone with two kids knows there are a zillion differences in their experience of the same thing. Beyond the difference in knowing the diagnosis, your kids had these differences:
Gender
Temperament
Time (a few years can be huge in the culture of a school)
More experienced parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

I'm genuinely trying to understand this.
Are you saying that your daughter was bullied because people knew she was diagnosed as HFA? And that she wouldn't have been if she and others didn't know her Dx? Or that your son would have been bullied if his Dx had been disclosed to him and others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

I'm genuinely trying to understand this.
Are you saying that your daughter was bullied because people knew she was diagnosed as HFA? And that she wouldn't have been if she and others didn't know her Dx? Or that your son would have been bullied if his Dx had been disclosed to him and others?

This person is confusing correlation with causation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

Your son does not have a lot of friends, a girlfriend and Asperger's top. That doesn't happen. It sounds like your children had terrible evaluators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was diagnosed at 7 and we told her. We took younger DS in for an evaluation a few years later and received the same diagnosis for him but we didn’t tell him or anyone else for that matter because how the school and her peers treated my daughter was really harmful to her quality of life. DS is now 21, in college, was his class valedictorian, has a great group of friends and great girlfriend and is really happy. DD is doing well too, but has long term PTSD and social anxiety issues due to the trauma and bullying she experienced from her peers because of the diagnosis.

Your son does not have a lot of friends, a girlfriend and Asperger's top. That doesn't happen. It sounds like your children had terrible evaluators.

Exactly! All without any accommodations or support at school as well.