Can't you be happy for 5 seconds?

[Anonymous]

okay, this is a vent and so it might be long.

here goes.

My sister in law and my brother just returned from being in the hospital with my 2 year old nephew for 2 weeks. He had a large cyst removed from his abdomen. It was stressful because this has been going on for a year, with tests and dr's visits galore. Nobody could seem to diagnose why his belly was so big until a week ago.
So, Saturday he had the cyst removed. I took their two other boys with me until they could come home (Hosptial is 3 hours away). This way, the boys could go to school and my Brother and SIL could stay with my little nephew and recoop and recover.

This "wondering" and all these tests have been going on a year. So, it's been pretty stressful. I KNOW everyone handles stress differently.

They came to pick up the two boys this morning and both of them were so melancholy. Nobody seemed excited and relieved that this year long nightmare had ended and that my little nephew was cancer free and cyst free. I feel like it's a huge weight lifted off the familys shoulders.

So, I asked..."What's wrong?" ...."We are just trying to figure out life....." my Brother says.
Then my SIL says...."Im thinking of going to nursing school and I think your brother wants to go to Chefs school"

"for fricks sake" is what Im thinking in my mind.

It was like deep depression. I was surprised to see them so down and out.
Why worry about "What you're going to be when you grow up" RIGHT after a surgery like this and why can't you just be happy for 5 seconds and SMILE????

Should I say something? Or just drop it and let them figure things out alone?

Also, they kept asking me "Was there any sadness" with my other two nephews. And I was honest, they had a blast at my house, never asked about their parents at all. Thinking they would be relieved...but my SIL says, "Really?? No sadness at all??" to my nephews..like she WANTED them to be sad.

ACK!!!

[Anonymous]

I would cut them some slack. They were under a lot of stress and worry. Everyone expresses emotions differently. Just because it's not the same way you would doesn't mean they're not feeling that way. Don't judge so harshly.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
You're right. I guess I just didn't understand how this surgery somehow made it about them?

I guess maybe in situations like this you reflect more than you would normally, so maybe that's what it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
You're right. I guess I just didn't understand how this surgery somehow made it about them?

I guess maybe in situations like this you reflect more than you would normally, so maybe that's what it was.

More than likely. I know there's times in life where things get overwhelming and a situation like this happens and all of a sudden you start thinking of all the things on your plate you have to juggle, figure out. It's a mood though that usually passes quickly. I went through this last week when my daughter was bit in the face by a dog. I spent a lot of time in the hospital and doctors offices and at some point I just started thinking we were failing her as parents. I started thinking we weren't giving her the best circumstances to do well. I got so worked up about it. Came up with a plan to change my work schedule all sorts of stuff. It was a terrible feeling. I was back to normal after a day or two and it didn't seem nearly as bad as I felt it was int he moment. I didn't have a lot of changes to make or things to figure out. Parenting is so rough sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I don't find their actions unusual. They just had a big scare and it has caused them to reflect on what is truly important...including your career. They realized life is too short too be stuck in a jobs they probably don't care for and have decided to take a chance and do what they want to do.

Re: the sadness with the nephews. i would be a bit surprised if my 2 other kids weren't the least bit concerned that their sibling was having surgery, too.

If I went through something similar and it ended up well, I don't think I would be ecstatic and doing back flips - I'd be recovering from the fear and possibly still worried that there may be other issues down the road. I guess I'd be more relieve than joyful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them some slack. They were under a lot of stress and worry. Everyone expresses emotions differently. Just because it's not the same way you would doesn't mean they're not feeling that way. Don't judge so harshly.

I agree. Perhaps they're just feeling really raw and vulnerable and this is how they're channeling it. It sounds like their son's illness has been a focus in their lives for so long and has been so stressful and all-consuming. Maybe they just haven't had the chance to process everything. I'm sure that as time passes and they get some distance from the situation, things will change.

[Anonymous]

OP here. again.

You're all right. Reading back Im sure I look/sound like a major bitch. There's a lot of background to the story which I didn't post but I suppose none of that matters since I shouldn't be judging anyways.

To the 23:12 poster who said, "Re: the sadness with the nephews. i would be a bit surprised if my 2 other kids weren't the least bit concerned that their sibling was having surgery, too."

They weren't asking if the boys were sad about their brother, they were asking if the boys were sad being away from Mom and Dad.

[Anonymous]

In the short term all kids care about are video games and dessert. If you gave them those things of course they did not miss their parents.

[Anonymous]

Everyone processes different. You can't judge without having been in their shoes. They are probably just emotionally drained at this point.

[Anonymous]

Oh, please please cut them some slack!

After caring for a dying (now dead father) and a child whose been in the hospital more times than I can count, I can tell you being a caregiver for someone you LOVE is a nightmare of horrific proportions. You are pumped on adrenaline the whole time worrying, you ignore your own needs, you can't sleep, your own health suffers. It's a nightmare. They need to restitch their lives into something normal again. It will take a little while. The grieving/healing process doesn't end the minute someone's out of the hospital.

If you want to say something to them, tell them you are still there for them.

[Anonymous]

Wow, after a year of stress topped off with the horror of surgery on their child you expect them to bounce back just like that? Of course they won't. Sounds like they went through extended hell. Good for them for not pretending to be happy in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, after a year of stress topped off with the horror of surgery on their child you expect them to bounce back just like that? Of course they won't. Sounds like they went through extended hell. Good for them for not pretending to be happy in front of you.

Sorry, 9:16, I don't know why I didn't read your post first. You said it better than I did.

[Anonymous]

I would cut them a lot of slack. When someone you love is that sick, it is extremely disempowering and scary--you take nothing for granted. It's also terrifying to see people you love in the hospital setting, when normal roles (mommy will be with you...) don't apply or aren't even permitted. In my case, when DH got extremely sick, I realized that I cared a lot less about stupid stuff at work and what outfit I would buy, and went through a huge reevaluation of my life that sounds similar to the career change thing. Suddenly you realize life is short, there are no guarantees, no rewinds or replays or re-dos. Seriously, regardless of the backstory, cut them some slack.

[Anonymous]

How long does the op need to cut them some slack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long does the op need to cut them some slack?

They are human beings dealing with life's issues and experiencing emotions. Why would you put a time limit on that? OP wasn't even talking about a long pattern of behavior. She was bringing up a specific moment and their reaction in that moment. If it were about lifestyle choices that would be different, but even in that situation it's their life to live.