Hyphenating Baby's Last Name

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have agreed to hyphenate DS's last name. What we haven't decided is which last name should go first. I kept my maiden name. Neither one of us has a preference. Not sure if this idea has been around long enough to have established norms here in the States. Both of our families are from abroad and both don't hyphenate but do include the mother's last name, one first, one second. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think its great that you are going to hyphenate! Unfortunately, I am not aware of any conventions regarding the order of the names. If neither of you has a preference, you may go with what sounds best

[Anonymous]

My sense is that most people who hyphenate put the mom's name first. I'm not sure why, and I agree with the previous poster that going with the combination that sounds better. We considered hyphenating (I, too, kept my name after getting married), and we would have put my name first. In the end, we decided to give our sons my last name as their middle name.

[Anonymous]

i also think it's fabulous but as a woman who hyphenates, just a heads up that it does cause logistical issues sometimes. without fail the doctors offices "choose" one of my last names and enter it first, hence files get lost, they claim their computer systems wont accept hyphenations, also when meeting people, i have to repeat my last name a lot=and people typically choose to call me by the second name after the hyphenation=might be a hassle for a small child, but certainly not a deal breaker!

[Anonymous]

Typically, mom's name goes first -- normally to match mom's name if she has hyphenated. I hyphenated my name when I married my husband -- my last name followed by his -- and our children have hyphenated last names as well.

[Anonymous]

We hyphenated our dc's name, and mine went last. We decided purely by what sounded best. Yes, there will be hassles and depending upon what your last names are, you will be spelling a lot. And it's true most Americans don't choose to do this and some may do stupid things like inexplicably drop one of the last names (although this hasn't happened to us), or refuse to add a hyphen b/c their system is about 20 yrs behind social mores (Social Security did this to us). Happily, many more people are beginning to choose to hyphenate (anyone heard of the Jolie-Pitts) so maybe sometime soon things will get easier (but, really, it's not been that difficult).

[Anonymous]

The really really traditional thing would be father's last name-mother's last name, but I think that's so traditional most people don't know about it. I like the "whichever way sounds best" approach.

Plus, what would you do for a baby who had two mommies or two daddies?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a nice thought, but just as a warning from someone who hyphenates her own last name and whose DD has a "double" first name, it is going to create a LOT of confusion: at schools, airports, dr offices, invitations, play dates etc, etc.

I am planning on just switching to my husband's name for myself in the future (even though I love my maiden name), and we're just battling for people to get poor DD's name correct. It's a losing battle.

So I would caution people to think about all the ways people will mangle a name before you make a decision.
For what it's worth anyhow....

[Anonymous]

Our kids have 2 moms and we did what sounded best. It ended up to be me (bio mom) and then partners name. We haven't has a problem with people shortening it - but then again we both have short last names.

[Anonymous]

A serious question:

Assume Sue Smith hyphenates her last name upon marriage to to John Jones and becomes Sue Smith-Jones. Further assume that Sue and John have a DS and name her Jane Smith-Jones. If Jane Smith-Jones marries Tom Adams, does Jane change her name to Jane Smith-Jones-Adams? If not, why not? Why start dropping names all of a sudden? Now assume Jane selects the name Jane Smith-Jones-Adams and has a DS named Emily Smith-Jones-Adams. If Emily marries William Walsh, changes her name to Emily Smith-Jones-Adams-Walsh, and has a daugher Jennifer, does Jennifer becomes Jennier Smith-Jones-Adams-Walsh? And what if Jennifer marries Andrew Carter? Does Jennifer change her name to Jennifer Smith-Jones-Adams-Walsh-Carter? If not, why not? If Jennifer does start dropping last names, how does she decide which one to drop? And if you are going to drop a name, why not just do it at the beginning with Sue Smith.

[Anonymous]

As the prior poster just indicated, I think it would end up to a lot of confusion down the road. Is there a way to make one of your last name's a middle name? You may have to "tweak" it a bit, but it is an option.

[Anonymous]

13:26 here: as I believe is obvious, I meant DD, not DS. I was focusing on keeping the other names right...

[Anonymous]

To 13:26: Jennifer could choose one name from each side and hyphenate that. Any one of those names. Or not. She could have a very long last name. I just don't get why this poses a real problem. There will always be records to trace lineage, so it shouldn't worry anyone. The confusion is around the mindset. Or we could ask Latin countries how they deal with multiple names issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies. Just a few thoughts. Like I said, we have decided to do this, we were just wondering if there was an American 'tradition' as to order of the names.

As I reread this post I realize the whole post may sound kind of defensive, but whatever. I guess I am venting over years of frustration at people mangling my hyphen free name. And I just don't understand the warnings about how confusing this could be, I didn't ask if it was confusing or if we should, I asked for the American standard. As far as people screwing up the DS's last name, they are going to do that whether or not we go with DH's last name, mine, or hyphenate them. People screw up my first and last name constantly even though they are short and completely phonetic, same with DH. I refuse to limit my name choices based on other people's unwillingness or inability to read, spell, pronounce, etc. If that were the case we would have changed our names to Joe and Mary Smith years ago and been done with it.

It is still a small precentage of American women who keep their maiden names or hyphenate when they marry and the numbers really haven't changed much since the 70s and an even smaller percentage that pass on their maiden name to their children. If that trend stays the same, then it won't be an issue at all. If we ever have a daughter, when she gets married it is up to her what she wants her name to be. Personally, I would prefer she keep her hyphenated maiden last name and pass one of those names on to her children. So Jane Smith-Jones stays Jane Smith-Jones and her child with Tom Adams becomes Emily Smith-Adams or Emily Adams-Smith, or some variation on that. I think the last name should somehow show a connection to each parent. I mean, the answer to why not drop a name instead of have three or four names hyphenated together to me seems pretty clear: because at some point it stops making sense and is just too damn long. The reason we want DS to have both our names is because we want it to be clear on paper that this is our child. We are not adding on my mother's maiden name and DH's father's maternal last name, etc. With respect to this getting confusing down the line, it is actually the norm in my and DH's home countries for a child to have both parent's last names and it seems to work out just fine in the end. For instance my father's name is (First Name) (Paternal Last Name) de la (Maternal Last Name). My mother's name was (First Name) (Maternal Last Name) (Paternal Last Name). She took my father's name in accordance with tradition and her name is now (First Name) (Maiden Paternal Last Name that everyone in the US assumes is a middle name) (My Father's Paternal Last Name). Not too confusing.

The suggestion as far as making one of the last names a middle name is something we considered but since having two last names is still uncommon in this country we realized that the middle last name would probably disappear or turn into an initial pretty fast and we don't want that.