Weird question with a couple in our friend group blatantly excluding us. How do I handle?

[Anonymous]

We have a friend group that originated as part of a baby playgroup. About half the playgroup became friends, and our husbands are friends, and we do a lot socially together.

For whatever reasons, ONE of the couples for whatever reason seems to be just blatantly rude to my husband and me. Like openly trying to exclude us. On 3-4 separate occasions they have been right in front of us - once AT OUR HOUSE - and have made plans inviting the other people in the group to come to their house, without inviting us. They literally walk up to each couple individually to say, hey come over for the game tonight. It is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

My husband is so clueless about these things but even he was like, what is wrong with these people?! That's how blatant it is. I don't know if it's the husband or the wife pushing this behavior, to be honest sometimes it seems like it's her and sometimes it seems like it's him.

It's a big enough group that I'm not sure that others in the group notice what is happening - that whenever this particular couple makes the plans for our entire group, my husband and I are excluded. They very well may .. but they also may not. Not sure. I feel weird bringing it up. I am not the kind of person that typically has friendship drama or anything like that, so I would rather not draw attention to it by asking anyone else if they have noticed.

I'm not even asking why this is happening, because I have no clue and I am not sure I will ever know. We are totally normal people with a lot of friends, nice kids, good jobs, nice house, there's nothing wrong with us. Also there is no chance this is in our head. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do about it. My husband wants me to stop inviting that couple when I invite the rest of the group to our home. I realize that it's exactly what they are doing, so it should be fine - but for me to specifically exclude a couple out of a group of five couples - that just feels so uncomfortable and awkward to me as well.

So how should I handle this?

[Anonymous]

There's a petty part of me that would love to proclaim "Oh sounds great, can't wait to come!" when they're inviting everyone else BUT me to something when I'm standing right there.

Do you enjoy their presence other than their awkward exclusion of you? If so, do nothing. Do you not enjoy their behavior (or is their weird excluding behavior enough to make them a net negative)? Then stop inviting them to your events.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to whichever of the individuals in this group is closest to you, and ask whether they've noticed this behavior, and why they think this is happening. Perhaps the excluding couple has made some public comments about why they decided to exclude you.

Also, perhaps it's not just you being excluded, but other couples as well, and what this couple is doing is merely inviting their preferred subset of people to other events... which would be much more socially acceptable. It doesn't excuse their rude behavior in inviting people right in your house, in front of you, but it's more understandable than excluding just you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

I'd have stopped inviting them to my house already. You guys aren't friends. Don't be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Graciously ignore invitations to other people made in front of you.

Definitely stop including them in your group invites. They've made it clear you arent their type of people and thats fine. Be friends with the couples who are open to it.

No need for the hive mind. Its not highschool.

[Anonymous]

This kind of thing happens in our neighborhood, and my wife and I hate it. I get along with everyone, so we are invited to most everything. My wife is a little more introverted (I work in BD), and more choosey about who she associates with.

One family had been consistently excluded by another (who happened to throw a lot of parties) repeatedly. My wife and I felt pretty crappy about it, and weren't sure how to handle.

It turns out it was related to the kids. Excluded couple's daughter was being a little terror to the excluding couple's daughter, and the parents refused to address it (even after being repeatedly asked to do so), so were being shunned. I have mixed feelings about this.

If it happened to me, my approach would be to talk with other friends / families about it, knowing that word would get back to the excludors. Then I would host a lot and invite them to a subset of what I hosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a friend group that originated as part of a baby playgroup. About half the playgroup became friends, and our husbands are friends, and we do a lot socially together.

For whatever reasons, ONE of the couples for whatever reason seems to be just blatantly rude to my husband and me. Like openly trying to exclude us. On 3-4 separate occasions they have been right in front of us - once AT OUR HOUSE - and have made plans inviting the other people in the group to come to their house, without inviting us. They literally walk up to each couple individually to say, hey come over for the game tonight. It is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

My husband is so clueless about these things but even he was like, what is wrong with these people?! That's how blatant it is. I don't know if it's the husband or the wife pushing this behavior, to be honest sometimes it seems like it's her and sometimes it seems like it's him.

It's a big enough group that I'm not sure that others in the group notice what is happening - that whenever this particular couple makes the plans for our entire group, my husband and I are excluded. They very well may .. but they also may not. Not sure. I feel weird bringing it up. I am not the kind of person that typically has friendship drama or anything like that, so I would rather not draw attention to it by asking anyone else if they have noticed.

I'm not even asking why this is happening, because I have no clue and I am not sure I will ever know. We are totally normal people with a lot of friends, nice kids, good jobs, nice house, there's nothing wrong with us. Also there is no chance this is in our head. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do about it. My husband wants me to stop inviting that couple when I invite the rest of the group to our home. I realize that it's exactly what they are doing, so it should be fine - but for me to specifically exclude a couple out of a group of five couples - that just feels so uncomfortable and awkward to me as well.

So how should I handle this?

Maybe they don't have good jobs or a nice house and think you'll judge them for it.

[Anonymous]

This sort of happened in our friend group. One girl loves to be queen bee - she's not American, and often blames her lack of tact on that. She's also very social-climbing (though it's not getting her far in the private school dynamic she's chosen, which she also doesn't understand).

She started leaving out 2 of the families in our group - ironically (or maybe not) the ones with the two nicest, most sociable moms. I think it initially had to do with the kids - one kid is sort of wild and the other has special needs (don't get me started on how inappropriate leaving her out is, but that's another thing) - but the other "still in" mom and I feel awful about it because we're still friends with the other moms. We all still hang out (adults) but it's not really the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Graciously ignore invitations to other people made in front of you.

Definitely stop including them in your group invites. They've made it clear you arent their type of people and thats fine. Be friends with the couples who are open to it.

No need for the hive mind. Its not highschool.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Graciously ignore invitations to other people made in front of you.

Definitely stop including them in your group invites. They've made it clear you arent their type of people and thats fine. Be friends with the couples who are open to it.

No need for the hive mind. Its not highschool.

This.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

How much time do you guys all have to socialize? Geez. I just consider every social event sui generis, and not part of some pre-defined "group." If you stop acting like you're in high school, you'll stop feeling high school feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much time do you guys all have to socialize? Geez. I just consider every social event sui generis, and not part of some pre-defined "group." If you stop acting like you're in high school, you'll stop feeling high school feelings.

Huh? You've never had a friend group?

Then again you did just use "sui generis" non-ironically.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't respect your husband because he's a P.I. and tells strange jokes.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me, OP! We even brought new friends into the group and they started inviting our friends to their events, but not us! I couldn't believe it. I was hurt. A bunch of us were hurt.

I just started making deeper connections with the moms who wanted to hang out with us and we had a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't respect your husband because he's a P.I. and tells strange jokes.