miscarriage today

[Anonymous]

My best friend in the world suffered a miscarriage today-she was 12 weeks along and found out during her 12 week screening. This is her second miscarriage and it took her two years to get pregnant from her first. I am devastated for her and don't know how I can make her feel better. I believe ..no I know she will have a baby but I just don't know what I can do/say to make her feel better. I was considering getting a gift certificate to send her away for the weekend-I was thinking that maybe after she is healed from the D&C-getting away would be a good idea but not sure if it's innappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Or a spa/massage certificate... If you know she will appreciate it, then you are a kind friend.

[Anonymous]

You are a good and thoughtful friend. I don't think there's anything you can say. Miscarriages are cruel and unfair and there is nothing good about them. A very close friend of mine had one and I know that she did not appreciate it when people said things along the lines of "things happen for a reason." Maybe so, but it wasn't what she wanted to hear, especially when she was going through the worst of it. Just listen and be supportive and definitely do something nice for her like a getaway or a trip to the spa when you think she's up for it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks--believe me, this is the best person ever and someone who is made to be a mom. She is devastated and I was really careful not to go "negative" with her i.e. when she said maybe this won't work, I said it will work.. not this baby but there will be another baby..I know it because I know she is going to have some well meaning person talk about adoption. Nothing wrong with adoption but that is a personal choice and I know that she is committed to this journey and I really have faith that this will work but right now she is in hell. I am actually crying writing this..this is all so unfair and I really appreciate now what people go through to have kids. It is a miracle and not something that can be taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

op i think you're really sweet. i agree w/ the pp's in that it's a good idea to let her know you are there for her if and whenever she needs. super sweet to think of giving her a weekend away or spa treatment.

i had a miscarriage and people say the stupidest shit--not that you were going to-- but we really should start a thread about stupid people things say.

things such as (these were all said to me, and obvi -i've not gotten over it).
"are you sure you didn't lift anything heavy to cause the miscarriage?"
"you didn't eat unpasturized cheese, did you? or did you drink?"
"i guess it wasn't meant to be"
"on a happier note - my friend XX just announced she's pregnant"
"maybe you just weren't ready"
"just think, one day you'll have a sweet and precious baby just like i do"

damn i get fired up even thinking about it --

so - you sound like a great friend, also, does she know about this website? i recently have and i find it very helpful knowing that there are many many others who can relate....... just a thought.

[Anonymous]

It IS such a very hard thing, just like losing a child of any age.... Support group, please.

[Anonymous]

I think she has been looking on something called resolve?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a thoughtful card and occasional calls and LOTS of listening is all that is required. Some people want to talk, some do not. Just be around. I try not to say anything either way, b/c it is NOT going to happen for some people and I hate to build along false hope, yet I never want to give up hope for a friend, nor do I want to assume that the only way to be a parent is to carry a child. I always have found it is better to just shut up and hug if you can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your idea of the gift certificate is good. I had this exact same experience - find out about m/c at 12 week screening. It was awful. I'd try just to mostly listen and make sure your friend knows you are available to talk whenever she needs. Unfortunately you can't make her feel better, only time can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she has been looking on something called resolve?

that's a good one - there's tons of message boards there. it's the national infertility association...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It is NOT going to happen for some people and I hate to build along false hope.

This is true, as much as any of us hate to think it. I have found that for some friends who have been in this IF thing for a long time, they are coming around to accepting this fact and saying that you "know" it will happen angers/upsets them. Not that you don't mean well. Better to just be there, listen if asked, and provide support. There is no right thing to say, she knows you love her.

[Anonymous]

my friend gave me a beautiful horseshoe charm for luck. I had three. I would recomend your friend see a specialist. I was told by one doc forget babies. I now have two, no IVF.

[Anonymous]

TOTALLY agree with 22:26 -- you do NOT know it's going to happen for her, telling her that will eventually anger her -- you're a great friend but you're not an RE nor are you a greater power that can accurately predict these outcomes. There are other ways to remain positive for her but when people hear "I know it's going to happen for you" they find that dismissive and patronizing.

[Anonymous]

I have had a miscarriage and I can attest that it is a horrible thing to go through. One person couldn't have stated it any better than I can - that people say horrible, horrible things to you and it hurts worse because it comes from someone that you have counted as a good friend. I hated it when people said to me "things happen for a reason", or "it will happen in God's time" or "maybe now wasn't a good time" and then they will try to analyze your life and list all the reasons why "now isn't a good time". I found that my feelings towards my friends who said those things to me changed big time because I found what they said to be very hurtful.

On the other hand, I had very sweet friends who didn't say anything at all, listened to me and told me that they loved me and that when I felt up to it, let's do something like a spa or a movie. My DH was the sweetest because he held me and planned a trip for us that we took about a month afterwards. It helped me and it helped us and I left the trip with a tan that seemed to last for the longest time!

It sounds like you are a wonderful friend. My advice is to not say anything except "I love you" and tell her that when she's up to it, suggest something that she would like to do and do that with her. It could be a spa or it could be a quick weekend trip. I wouldn't mention anything about the future or children for that matter. I say that becuase it will take some time for her body to heal and no one knows how long. It takes a long time for those hormones to go back to normal and that differs for everyone. I was so anxious to get pregnant again that the anxiety of that delayed my period by 4 or 5 months afterwards.

The sweetest thing that my girlfriend said to me was "I love you" and call me when you want to do something special. I held her to that and we spent a weekend doing things we loved to do together and I will never forget her kindness to me during that time.

[Anonymous]

You are a good friend. A miscarriage is very hard.

Tell her you are very sad that her baby died. Tell her that it sucks and this is unfair and listen to her.

If she says something like that she will never have a baby or a pregnancy don't try to reassure her that she will....she might not be able to have a baby and she knows it and that is what upsetting to her. Recognize those feelings as valid. Respond that you really hope that she does have a baby some day. (Only talk about future babies if she does).

Don't ask her what 'caused' it or whether the doctors know the cause. In most cases there is no cause or no explanation and that can be hard to handle.

Otherwise, don't mention or say anything like she will have another baby or it was still early in the pregnancy or adoption or anything else