Kids birthdays when family members are estranged?

[Anonymous]

My sibling isn't talking to our parents for a few months now - started therapy and began unpacking a lot of anxiety, lack of trust issues, etc. and basically cut out our parents. Reasons are manipulation, emotional abuse, and lack of support. For my part, I've been supportive of sibling in doing what they need to do to get better, but maintained a relationship with our parents on my own. Communication between parents and sib has always been poor, and parents are supportive but word it incorrectly with this sib who needs things communicated in a certain way. I was basically a middle messenger until I wiped my hands of trying to get them to understand the other to keep my sanity (panic and depression, whee). I don't share anything with my parents about sib. Parents are extremely sad, but don't contact sibling and sibling is still working through therapy and learning to adult.

Here's the thing - DH and I have a kiddo. Only grandchild on my side, only nibling for sibling. Birthday party is coming up in a few months and... no clue what to do about the fact that sib basically pretends these people don't exist. Everyone loves our kiddo, and we want to have a big party with friends and family (since kiddo is now old enough to understand birthdays), but no clue how to approach asking these people to civil. I honestly think if I tell sib parents are coming, sib won't come. But sibling also has insecurity issues, thinks no one wants sib around, is unwelcome, etc. I don't want sib to think we're cutting them out by inviting parents.

Of course, they could all surprise me and be civil for a day, but I think the tension would just about kill me and make me unable to joy the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling isn't talking to our parents for a few months now - started therapy and began unpacking a lot of anxiety, lack of trust issues, etc. and basically cut out our parents. Reasons are manipulation, emotional abuse, and lack of support. For my part, I've been supportive of sibling in doing what they need to do to get better, but maintained a relationship with our parents on my own. Communication between parents and sib has always been poor, and parents are supportive but word it incorrectly with this sib who needs things communicated in a certain way. I was basically a middle messenger until I wiped my hands of trying to get them to understand the other to keep my sanity (panic and depression, whee). I don't share anything with my parents about sib. Parents are extremely sad, but don't contact sibling and sibling is still working through therapy and learning to adult.

Here's the thing - DH and I have a kiddo. Only grandchild on my side, only nibling for sibling. Birthday party is coming up in a few months and... no clue what to do about the fact that sib basically pretends these people don't exist. Everyone loves our kiddo, and we want to have a big party with friends and family (since kiddo is now old enough to understand birthdays), but no clue how to approach asking these people to civil. I honestly think if I tell sib parents are coming, sib won't come. But sibling also has insecurity issues, thinks no one wants sib around, is unwelcome, etc. I don't want sib to think we're cutting them out by inviting parents.

Of course, they could all surprise me and be civil for a day, but I think the tension would just about kill me and make me unable to joy the party.

**OP here. I should note "SIB'S reasons are..." I personally don't see much beyond some normal (not extreme) mom guilt and extreme inability to relate to one another or correctly interpret what the other is saying/wants, on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Tell sib that your parents are invited and coming but that you would love to see them. Leave it up to sib. Stop trying to meddle. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell sib that your parents are invited and coming but that you would love to see them. Leave it up to sib. Stop trying to meddle. The end.

+1

Let your sibling decide whether to come or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell sib that your parents are invited and coming but that you would love to see them. Leave it up to sib. Stop trying to meddle. The end.

This.

Let your sibling know that your parents are invited and that it is your intention to have a large family party. If they are not willing to come and participate, then offer another occasion for them to celebrate your child. Make it clear that everyone is welcome, that you are not taking sides in this issue, and that drama will result in eviction from party.

[Anonymous]

Invite everyone, and allow everyone to make their own decisions.

And stop using "kiddo." It makes you sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Tell your sibling how many people you are expecting. A party of 10 is very different than a party of 50. At a big party, it is easier to avoid people. Also, allow your sibling to bring a friend (aka wing man) to the party so they are not left alone. Ultimately, it is your sibling's decision, but I would inform them that the parents will be there and visa versa. A small step for your sibling would be to stop in to the party and get out fast. Be understanding of that choice.

And to the "kiddo" police, just stop.

[Anonymous]

And if your sibling doesn't come then respect their decision to not create drama and allow them to build their relationship with the kid in their own way.

Not everyone needs to be at every thing.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should invite them all. If they ask who else is coming tell them. Let them make their own choices.