midlife crisis
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Anonymous
| Good marriage for 11 years, 3 kids, DH in late 40s. We are healthy, good careers, financially secure, have great friends and a generally low-stress life. Lately he is ambivalent, not sure he is cut out for marriage. He also cheated recently and is getting over feelings. Most people on here will just say dump the cheater, but we both have a lot invested in this marriage. Fundamentals are good. We are affectionate, have sex regularly, make time to reconnect, and are kind to each other. Kids are happy and thus far unaffected. Doing the therapy thing. I am patient but also wondering how long does this ambivalence last in middle aged men? I see it everywhere in my social circle (is it a Bethesda thing??). Why can't people just focus on the positive and love what they have? I am not holding back his happiness; always encouraged his personal growth. I don't think our marriage is the problem, but it's all in his head. How long does it take, or what does it take, for a midlife crisis to fade, and for a guy to figure his s**t out? |
Anonymous
| Did you get fat? |
Anonymous
| You're a saint for not kicking him out and you sound remarkably balanced. You might consider setting a time limit with him for getting over his ambivalence. Calmly tell him he's got x time to fully re-engage with your marriage or you will separate. |
Anonymous
OP here. Nope, I'm thin and well-preserved. |
Anonymous
evidentally, not well preserved enough.....and perhaps lacking in self esteem |
Anonymous
Ignore the haters, OP. Unfortunately he may not figure his crap out until he's forced to see what is on the line. |
Anonymous
| He already decided when he cheated. |
Anonymous
DP.  you don’t even know what the OW looks like...
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Anonymous
OP here. She is nice looking, roughly my age. But, not a step up from me by any objective measure. Except for the spark she gives him. |
Anonymous
| I'd give it 2 years. |
Anonymous
| I'm a DH at home with a sick kid browsing through the forums. Can't help but think..Why are women so nasty to each other? Can't you be supportive of someone who's asking for advice? |
Anonymous
| the did you get fat poster is an angry man who thinks lack of sex is permission to cheat. He's angry and bitter. Ignore him. |
Anonymous
|
I don't know, but I feel for you. Really. I'm 2 years out from this. In my case, my ex is just now coming out of the affair dig and realizing what he lost. Of course, it's too late. As hard as I worked to save things, I'm not there anymore. I can't go back. Now that I know he has it in him to do this, and that I know how happy and content I can be without him, it's too late.
I'd give him a time limit. Make sure he's in counseling. But you shouldn't live with someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with you. |
Anonymous
Woman here - the above posters are out of line criticizing OP like that. That said I'm not a person who thinks locking anyone or anything down for 20-40 years is natural. People get bored. |
Anonymous
| Don't have your answer, but years ago -- before I got divorced -- a counselor recommended some books on mid-life crises. It's enough of a "thing" that you may want to read up on it. Especially if your plan is to wait it out. Might be helpful to see the milestones in the process and that type of thing. |