A Few Remaining Bar Mitzvah Questions

[Anonymous]

Our non-Jewish son is going to a Bar Mitzvah. We have a few unanswered questions and have pestered our Jewish friends enough with our stupidity. Can you all help?
There is a service, luncheon, and a dinner. Can son wear regular church-adequate slacks, jacket and tie, dress shoes to the service?
Should he wear a yammukah in the synagogue? If so, are they available there for visitors or do we need to get one?
Are the luncheons usually at the synagogue, or should we plan on transporting son to the luncheon?
Is there any special etiquette for the dinner, and when do the dinners usually end?
Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

The yarmulka will be provided. usually it is a memento of the event with the kids name and date on it.

You should ask the hosts about the transportation - there is nothing particularly standard about the party part so who knows when pick up is. I would guess the luncheon is in the synagogue. You may want to carpool with other parents.

[Anonymous]

And yes, regular dress clothes are fine for the service. If it is in the morning it may be a regular service rather than a bartmitzvah only service (we have been to both). Party clothes depend in part on where it is. We have been to barmitzvah parties ranging from picnics to formal.

[Anonymous]

Yes, church suit will be perfect for the service. They have yalmulkes there. I would think the luncheon would be in the synagogue right after. The dinner is usually at a nice restaurant in the evening, and is similar to a wedding reception - dinner followed by dancing is typical. They usually have a lot of family and friends of the kid as well as of the parents, and often have a kid-oriented DJ.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't feel bad for asking questions. We're Episcopalians and had never attended a Bar/Bat Mitzvah before DS started to get all the invitations in 7th-grade, so we had all the same questions you did. Yes, as several PPs have noted, "church clothes" are fine for boys -- in fact, there will be a sea of middle-school boys in blue blazers, khakis or grey flannel slacks; for girls. Yamulkes are provided and should be worn.

Brace your child for looong service. Kids will get up to go to the lav in groups to break things up. At first, I was horrified to see my child and his friends do this, but after talking with my Jewish mom friends, understood that this was acceptable behavior and not considered disrespectful -- up to a point. The party after the service can be either a lunch immediately after or a dinner in the evening, and can range from very casual (backyard picnic with kids playing Capture the Flag) to very elaborate (country club, adults in black tie, kids in a separate room with DJ). If the party isn't until the evening, there may be a light snack (bagels, etc.) immediately after the service. Sometimes the family will host both a lunch and a party in the evening. In any case, DS had fun at all these events, On those occasions when we were ivited along with DS, we felt privileged to attend the services and thoroughly enjoyed all the parties.

For moms of Bar and Bat Mitzvah children, I know you have a lot to do, and I hate to add one more item to your list, but the letter of explaination sent to parents of non-Jewish kids by some of my son's friends and their parents was very helpful to me. This letter explained a little about the service, including the question of yamulkes, and also provided info about transportation and pick-up time (the latter is , of course, helpful to all parents who are not attending the service and party themselves.).

[Anonymous]

In my experience the invitation specifies where the luncheon will take place.

Often there is a break between the luncheon and the service. Some end by 1 or 1:30 and the party doesn't started until 6:30. We arrange pickup at the luncheon and then pickup/dropoff at the party.

I would not be shy about emailing the Bar Mitzvah boys' parents with your questions.

[Anonymous]

I am not OP, but my DD has been invited to a Bat Mitzvah. What would be an appropriate gift to give to the young lady?

[Anonymous]

Usually, $36 in a gift card

[Anonymous]

18:24 ? Why this amount?

[Anonymous]

Not 18:24, but I'll tell you. We give money gifts in multiples of 18 (traditional numerology thing-- every letter has a number value, 18 is the sum of the letters in the word for life). 36 is a nice modest multiple of 18.

[Anonymous]

I think for a single kid going then $50 would be fine. I would go with a check rather than a gift card though. My kids have trouble spending all their holiday gift cards so I could imagine a barmitzvah would be even more of a challenge because you are getting more gifts. There is a limit to how much you can buy at B&N.

[Anonymous]

$54 instead of $50, if that's your budget. 22:36 is right about the check. No child needs access to all the things that the gift cards would buy. All need to learn about saving for future expenses (car, college, trip to Israel...)

Oh, and don't think you have to be right on time for services.