Good resources: Helping kids get through a divorce

[coconut1974]

Hi, I'm starting the very initial process of researching/moving toward a divorce. Was wondering if anyone has good books/websites to recommend regarding helping kids survive a divorce and how to talk to them honestly/openly about it. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Sandcastles, and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. These may be hard for you to read, as they take a much more realistic view amd don't try to reassure you that everything will be lovely. But they were invaluable resources to me as I went throughy divorce and I don't think I would have been able to adequately parent my children without that perspective. Sometimes the thing that's hardest to read is the thing you most need to face.

[Anonymous]

What age?

[Anonymous]

I have one son who turns 11 this month. He has a history of anxiety, and also has been diagnosed with ADD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi - OP here. Thanks for asking. I have one son who turns 11 this month. He has a history of anxiety, and also has been diagnosed with ADD.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to say that you must be a truly loving parent. When some move toward divorce the process is so emotional for them that they forget how much this impacts the child. I’m sure these are tough decisions to make but the priotizarion of your children is really wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to say that you must be a truly loving parent. When some move toward divorce the process is so emotional for them that they forget how much this impacts the child. I’m sure these are tough decisions to make but the priotizarion of your children is really wonderful.

+1. When I knew I was ready to begin divorcing, I researched a good therapist to help me, and a good clinical psychologist to help support my child. It has helped immensely to have a separate practitioner dedicated solely to her, early in the process, to set a baseline for her development, and then support the transition with expert guidance. It has helped to inform my approach in an objective way, identify ways to help her developmentally so that, as best we can, the disruptive changes don't cause major setbacks in her development. Another benefit to proactive counseling, down the line you can refer to this safe space of clinical expertise looking at the child's best interest for neutral co-parenting techniques. I picked a location central to her school, easy for both parents to access, and the office does a wide variety of testing, services that may or may not be needed in the future. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I second the Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It teaches you that this is something that will always affect your kid-not just during the transition. At first, I hated the book. I thought my son was doing well, he's not very affected negatively. But in the years since, I have seen the divorce affect him differently at different times. He seems in a good place (my ex and I are amicable) but it is a journey. I also second the psychologist suggestion - just setting up an outlet for him to talk is valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second the Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It teaches you that this is something that will always affect your kid-not just during the transition. At first, I hated the book. I thought my son was doing well, he's not very affected negatively. But in the years since, I have seen the divorce affect him differently at different times. He seems in a good place (my ex and I are amicable) but it is a journey. I also second the psychologist suggestion - just setting up an outlet for him to talk is valuable.

This. It gave me a lot of comfort as an adult child of divorce, to realize that there's a different perspective from all the "yay for your divorce, everything will be great!" books. I can see how it would be not what a divorcing parent wants to be told in the moment, but I honestly love that book.

[Anonymous]

See, OP, you need to think about this in a different way. They don't get "through" a divorce, like it's a one-time thing that ends. Rather, they learn to live with your divorce and they live with it the rest of their lives, including any other changes that may follow, like remarriage or financial problems. Maybe it's better for them, maybe it isn't, only you can decide. But it isn't something that you get "through". Personally, I find it to be most difficult in my 50s as I am caring for my parents in separate locations and both are single so it is all on me. This is much harder than the time their divorce was finalized.