Expose details of the affair to the other woman’s (AP) husband?

[Anonymous]

I'll try to be brief... it's been about 5 months since my husband told me about an emotional affair with a friend/colleague (he no longer works with). Well, it was slightly physical (long hugs, she tried to kiss him, spent a lot of time together after work at bars). We're trying to work through this...he was an alcoholic (has stopped drinking completely since then), he's trying really hard to mend our marriage and I'm trying to figure out if I can forgive him but in the meantime, I go back and forth about telling the details of what I know to the AP's (affair partner) husband. I already went to their house the night I found out and confronted her and basically told her to stay away (her husband was in another room). Then I sent her husband an e-mail that he should be aware of what went on between his wife and my husband and that she needs to stay away from my family. He wrote back "So much to unpack here, but it would be to little benefit, so no reason to get into the details. Bottom line, I regret the loss to know such great people such as yourselves, but certainly, we'll respect your wishes. Truly and sadly, farewell to you both" I thought that was a weird response but I wonder if I can/should write him back, months later, and share all the details of what I know now...the length of the affair (1 year), the long hugs whenever they saw each other after work they would drink together and he would walk her to her car which is where the long hugs happened, etc), all the text messages that showed affection between them and many of his wife pursuing my husband for additional nights out, drinking. It's often on my mind to make him aware since I think his wife probably didn't tell him the whole story. Should I e-mail him?

[Anonymous]

Looks like your husband was in a MFM relationship. May be the full fledged swinging was the next step?!?!

[Anonymous]

I think his email signaled that he really doesn't want to know more-and since he does know the basics, it's for him and his wife to work out.

I understand where you are coming from, my former spouse cheated and I wish the spouse of the AP, who found out months earlier than me had told me. But I think you need to stop and be real with yourself. You want to tell him to make yourself feel better, but not because it's information he needs. The kind and appropriate thing to do in this situation is not to contact him.

[Anonymous]

No. The husband may not think an emotional affair with long hugs is an affair at all. You will sound psycho. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

He basically told you he didn’t want to know more. So no, I wouldn’t. I know you want the other woman to suffer the way you are, but she most likely won’t.

[Anonymous]

You've already made him aware, he's made it clear he doesn't want to know more so if you continue contacting him it would amount to harassment at this point.

I don't know your situation obviously, but please don't believe that the ow "tried" to kiss your husband unsuccessfully. They kissed and it's like long hugs were not the extent of their contact. Just don't want you fooling yourself about what happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to be brief... it's been about 5 months since my husband told me about an emotional affair with a friend/colleague (he no longer works with). Well, it was slightly physical (long hugs, she tried to kiss him, spent a lot of time together after work at bars). We're trying to work through this...he was an alcoholic (has stopped drinking completely since then), he's trying really hard to mend our marriage and I'm trying to figure out if I can forgive him but in the meantime, I go back and forth about telling the details of what I know to the AP's (affair partner) husband. I already went to their house the night I found out and confronted her and basically told her to stay away (her husband was in another room). Then I sent her husband an e-mail that he should be aware of what went on between his wife and my husband and that she needs to stay away from my family. He wrote back "So much to unpack here, but it would be to little benefit, so no reason to get into the details. Bottom line, I regret the loss to know such great people such as yourselves, but certainly, we'll respect your wishes. Truly and sadly, farewell to you both" I thought that was a weird response but I wonder if I can/should write him back, months later, and share all the details of what I know now...the length of the affair (1 year), the long hugs whenever they saw each other after work they would drink together and he would walk her to her car which is where the long hugs happened, etc), all the text messages that showed affection between them and many of his wife pursuing my husband for additional nights out, drinking. It's often on my mind to make him aware since I think his wife probably didn't tell him the whole story. Should I e-mail him?

NO. You already told him, for Pete's sake!!

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:
1) This is between you and your husband.
2) That email response was likely written by the affair partner (ap).
3) Dh and ap definitely had sex.

[Anonymous]

So wait you already told him but you want to tell him again because you’re not happy with his response and think he wasn’t outraged enough or something?

Girl, you are fully nuts. If you contact him again don’t be shocked if he hits you with some sort of no contact order. If this is really “often on your mind” you need to take your mind to individual therapy, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've already made him aware, he's made it clear he doesn't want to know more so if you continue contacting him it would amount to harassment at this point.

I don't know your situation obviously, but please don't believe that the ow "tried" to kiss your husband unsuccessfully. They kissed and it's like long hugs were not the extent of their contact. Just don't want you fooling yourself about what happened here.

All of this!

[Anonymous]

His response back was basically "lol, I know and don't care"

Sounds like they may have an open marriage.

Just focus on your own side and repairing the damage there if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts:
1) This is between you and your husband.
2) That email response was likely written by the affair partner (ap).
3) Dh and ap definitely had sex.

Agree with #1 but what in her email leads you to believe AP wrote the email and that they had sex?

[Anonymous]

OP, marriages take lots of different forms. It’s hard to understand when you’ve put your spouse above all others, but that’s not how every other relationship works.

Don’t expect the mirror in your hostility. You’re hurt, but APs husband is not. His hurt, or lack of it, does not justify or negate your hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to be brief... it's been about 5 months since my husband told me about an emotional affair with a friend/colleague (he no longer works with). Well, it was slightly physical (long hugs, she tried to kiss him, spent a lot of time together after work at bars). We're trying to work through this...he was an alcoholic (has stopped drinking completely since then), he's trying really hard to mend our marriage and I'm trying to figure out if I can forgive him but in the meantime, I go back and forth about telling the details of what I know to the AP's (affair partner) husband. I already went to their house the night I found out and confronted her and basically told her to stay away (her husband was in another room). Then I sent her husband an e-mail that he should be aware of what went on between his wife and my husband and that she needs to stay away from my family. He wrote back "So much to unpack here, but it would be to little benefit, so no reason to get into the details. Bottom line, I regret the loss to know such great people such as yourselves, but certainly, we'll respect your wishes. Truly and sadly, farewell to you both" I thought that was a weird response but I wonder if I can/should write him back, months later, and share all the details of what I know now...the length of the affair (1 year), the long hugs whenever they saw each other after work they would drink together and he would walk her to her car which is where the long hugs happened, etc), all the text messages that showed affection between them and many of his wife pursuing my husband for additional nights out, drinking. It's often on my mind to make him aware since I think his wife probably didn't tell him the whole story. Should I e-mail him?

OP, he has made it clear that he does not want to get into the details with you. It's between him and his wife. You need to deal with your own husband and your own feelings on the matter. Focus on your own marriage or your own divorce, whichever way you choose to go. Respect this man's wishes that he already communicated you to not discuss the details with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, he knows how to contact you if he wants more details.

He does NOT want more details at this time. Or, he got them from his wife.

Long hugs? reallllllllly?