How to deal with endlessly critical mom

[Anonymous]

Headed to my moms this week, she'll be watching my kids while I'm in town for business. She seems to have a criticism of everything- how much I pack, how I deal with the kids, etc etc. I know it's coming. So how I can I deal without becoming frustrated or defensive?

[Anonymous]

Pause & paraphrase.

Mom: I can’t believe you didn’t pack an extra pair of shorts for Larlo.
You: So you wish I would have packed more clothes for warm weather. Got it. I’m going to brush my teeth now.

Just paraphrase back. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing. You’re not being defensive. You’re just acknowledging what she’s said. It can be very zen to force yourself to focus on exactly what she is saying and being free from having to have an emotional response.

She’s doing a favor by watching your kids. Stay zen and appreciative. It will be over soon enough.

[Anonymous]

If you want to maintain the relationship you basically just have to learn to ignore her. “Thanks mom I have this under control” You are probably a pretty functional adult and you don’t need her micromanaging you. Other posters will tell you to lay down the law or cut her off or something but I don’t see how that helps.

My mother is hypercritical too and has ruined every relationship in her life. Pointing this out to her does not work. Ignoring her does.

[Anonymous]

When your mom offers you a suggestion ask her if it’s criticism. Tell her how you feel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pause & paraphrase.

Mom: I can’t believe you didn’t pack an extra pair of shorts for Larlo.
You: So you wish I would have packed more clothes for warm weather. Got it. I’m going to brush my teeth now.

Just paraphrase back. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing. You’re not being defensive. You’re just acknowledging what she’s said. It can be very zen to force yourself to focus on exactly what she is saying and being free from having to have an emotional response.

She’s doing a favor by watching your kids. Stay zen and appreciative. It will be over soon enough.

This. I also like the suggestion to mirror back what she said and then move on (politely) to another topic. Or hire someone to take care of your kids.

[Anonymous]

She's not going to change. Is she loving otherwise? Ignore the criticism and focus on the good stuff.

[Anonymous]

Grab her and smother her with kisses. Then tell her "I know, I know. I am an idiot, but I am your idiot."

I do this with my mom and she simmers down. That's the right way to treat moms. Especially cranky old endlessly critical moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grab her and smother her with kisses. Then tell her "I know, I know. I am an idiot, but I am your idiot."

I do this with my mom and she simmers down. That's the right way to treat moms. Especially cranky old endlessly critical moms.

Not OP but I’ll have to remember this! My mom is always criticizing but it’s almost like a compulsion for her and I don’t think she intends to be truly mean but it does bother me sometimes. She’ll say something about my hair that’s really out of my control (like how thin it is) but if I said something about HER hair I’d feel so mean. This is a lighthearted response that lets her know how she makes me feel though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pause & paraphrase.

Mom: I can’t believe you didn’t pack an extra pair of shorts for Larlo.
You: So you wish I would have packed more clothes for warm weather. Got it. I’m going to brush my teeth now.

Just paraphrase back. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing. You’re not being defensive. You’re just acknowledging what she’s said. It can be very zen to force yourself to focus on exactly what she is saying and being free from having to have an emotional response.

She’s doing a favor by watching your kids. Stay zen and appreciative. It will be over soon enough.

Constant paraphrasing back would make someone sound ... spectrum-y. But occasionally, it’s a useful tactic. The key, with all these things is to focus on the last part of the advice—the it will “be over soon enough.” During every visit with parents and in laws I keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're an adult in your own right. Change your perception or ignore the criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pause & paraphrase.

Mom: I can’t believe you didn’t pack an extra pair of shorts for Larlo.
You: So you wish I would have packed more clothes for warm weather. Got it. I’m going to brush my teeth now.

Just paraphrase back. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing. You’re not being defensive. You’re just acknowledging what she’s said. It can be very zen to force yourself to focus on exactly what she is saying and being free from having to have an emotional response.

She’s doing a favor by watching your kids. Stay zen and appreciative. It will be over soon enough.

Constant paraphrasing back would make someone sound ... spectrum-y. But occasionally, it’s a useful tactic. The key, with all these things is to focus on the last part of the advice—the it will “be over soon enough.” During every visit with parents and in laws I keep that in mind.

Ugh yo paraphrasing. I think it makes you sound weak an reinforces the nagging. I’d just say ‘thanks, I got this!’

[Anonymous]

My MIL is basically the same way as she really lacks a filter. Generally I just roll my eyes or say got it. The only time I get in her face is when she is being critical directly at one of my children and then I step in. My DH will step in as well which really helps. It's kind of sad as our visits would be more frequent if she weren't so critical.

[Anonymous]

Get her on Paxil. Worked wonders for my hyper critical mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grab her and smother her with kisses. Then tell her "I know, I know. I am an idiot, but I am your idiot."

I do this with my mom and she simmers down. That's the right way to treat moms. Especially cranky old endlessly critical moms.

I love this SO much!

[Anonymous]

It's the price you pay for her child care services. Grin and bear it.