Should I cut contact with my mother?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I grew up eldest of two children. Younger sister was golden child, mirror image of my mother. I was scape goat and child who often loudly question how things were, and often paid for it with screaming, hitting and grounding. Keep the child in line who questions the warp sense of reality was the life I lived. I knew from a very young age that my family dynamic was messed up.
My father was a horrible abusive man in every way. My mother looked the other way, even when I confronted her about abuse directly. Everything was rug swept always. My father was also a terrible alcoholic. He ultimately lost his job due to drinking and then committed suicide nearly fifteen years ago. Now, here is the thing with my father – didn’t feel anything but hate for him until he committed suicide. The method that he chose to end his life, the circumstances that led up to it and knowing how utterly alone he was and felt, have made my heart ache with sympathy for him. That feeling is lessened with time. Now, my mother is a different story. While I could often relate in odd ways to my father (despite it all, he had a wicked sense of humor and was charming – two qualities I can see in myself). My mother is a bitter, angry woman who has some serious, I mean serious social anxiety and anger issues. She was never an attentive mother. She never once asked me about having homework, never once asked about projects, tests, school events. Every minor interest she had was self-serving. Again, my sister is my mother’s golden child. My sister was definitely favored as a child and it hurt so badly because the favoritism was very real and obvious. Now, I thank my luck stars that my mother never saw herself in me. My mother was either angry and screaming and yelling, or withdrawn and sleeping in her bedroom and watching television. My mother was also abusive in every way. She was sexually abusive and I am so positive I saw her fondling my cousin at a young age (I was perhaps 9 and cousin was 2 or 3). I vaguely recall it making me so uncomfortable, and me knowing so innately that this was wrong, that I am certain I either pushed her or her hand out of the way and said “no” or “stop” in a weak little girl voice. My mother has denied this every happened and tells me every incident of abuse was made up in my mind. About 4 years ago I was pregnant with my first child. I decided it was time to confront my mother about the abuse, which all had be subsequently rug swept. I don’t know what I was expecting – her to admit to the abuse – maybe? I don’t know. But she screamed and ranted and denied everything. She made me question my reality. And, she brought in my sister who said I was a horrible, liar who should rot in hell for these lies. She has cut me out since then. There have been times when it hurts, but I see that she is a mirror image of my mother, and she has internalized my mother’s behaviors as normal. That breaks my heart and I feel like I have tried to “save” her over the years – a part of me still sees the innocent little girl she was, and I see how we played together as kids and it hurts that we have no relationship. Now, to recent events: my DD had her third birthday party at our house. My mother was a guest. I have rationalized that if I was present, and DD was never along with her, then my precious DD would be safe. My amazing DH knows about my mother’s abuse. The day after my party, he told me how he was on edge and watching my mother like a hawk in case she did something to DD. Now, I was watching her too – she was never alone with DD. But hearing DH say that, it nearly brought me to my knees. I felt like I was kicked in the gut. How could I have exposed my precious child to my mother – and even given her the chance to abuse my precious amazing DD? Honestly, my face is burning with shame and my eyes are full of tears when I write this. I have been in therapy extensively for years (decade plus) dealing with the abuse and trauma I suffered. I have dived extremely deeply into this toxic mess. Current therapist (who I have been with for 6 months) seems to not believe in cutting off family. She has said that I can have a relationship with my mother on my terms and that walking away from my mother and cutting her off is doing my long term grow a disservice. That this situation presented itself to me as a task in this lifetime that I have to overcome by having this relationship on my terms. There is karmic growth in having a l s essentially. Now, I am very big into energy, karma, past lives (have done past life regression-that’s a trip) and have met some pretty trippy people, including my former therapist who could read energy and see past lives – but that’s not relevant! But she has me questioning if I should cut off my mother. I am due with lo #2 in June. And I am ready to do what I didn’t do nearly four years ago. I am ready to let go of her for real….I think? |
Anonymous
| I don't think you need to make some grand announcement or formally cut ties with your mother. But you can just stop inviting her to stuff, stop reaching out to her, stop calling her. Your mother is not going to admit that she did anything wrong. She's not going to confess that she was abusive. The only way you can have a relationship with her is to stop expecting her to be anything other than what she is, and to figure out what you hope for from any relationship. So just back off and give yourself the space to figure this stuff out, and then you can decide if it makes any sense to try to have a relationship with this person. |
Anonymous
|
There is karmic growth in having a l s essentially. Now, I am very big into energy, karma, past lives (have done past life regression-that’s a trip) and have met some pretty trippy people, including my former therapist who could read energy and see past lives – but that’s not relevant! But she has me questioning if I should cut off my mother. I am due with lo #2 in June. And I am ready to do what I didn’t do nearly four years ago. I am ready to let go of her for real….I think?
You are all kinds of messed up and not sure you'll ever see your way out if you're committed to all that nonsense about past lives. I'm wondering if all of that stupid shit convinced you that you were sexually abused or if you really were. Put the crystals away, blow out the intense, get rid of the hippies in your life, and commit to cognitive behavior therapy (where you'll stand a fighting chance). |
Anonymous
| While I can understand how childhood trauma carries over into adult life, I have to question why you are focusing so much time, emotion, attention and energy on past events. You’re wasting your current quality of life, blowing away the time and opportunity mulling over your past. This past is done, you can’t change it. You can instead reassure yourself that this part of your life is over and work on positive activities, building in enjoyment and satisfaction to your daily life. The more you deeply delve into the past, the more angry and resentful you are getting and that spills over into your relationships with others - you’re destroying your current life and relationships with this toxic way of thinking. Just stop it - stop spending this time and money trying to fix something you can’t fix. Instead use your energy and thoughts to focus on good things. Picture, plan and build what you would consider an ideal life now. Spend time with people you enjoy. Stop interacting with those you don’t enjoy, including any family who don’t fit into your vision of having a good life now. |
Vclubmember
Member Offline
Member Offline
| *** |
Anonymous
| If what you say about your mother is true, you should have cut ties a long time ago. It is not too late to do it now. |
Anonymous
| I cut ties when I was 5 months pregnant and my husband told me, in advance, that he didn't want our child exposed to her abusing me as an adult and as a mother. That did it for me. My kids met her once and since she looks insane, it was really easy to explain. The have a wonderful grandmother. They don't need 2. |
Anonymous
+1 Everything the "energy seeing" "past lives reading" therapist says is suspect. Op, are you sure you saw a therapist and not Miss Cleo? |
Anonymous
| Find a new therapist. You sound delusional, and very bitter. |
Anonymous
|
Get a new therapist.
I, too, had a traumatic, abusive childhood and my father killed himself when I was 20 (still the best thing that has EVER happened in my life). I suspect your DH sharing his concerns/actions at the birthday party re-triggered your trauma. Despite years of therapy, I suspect he inadvertently ripped off that scab covering your pain. It is complete BS that your current therapist does not recognize this. You are not in a place to manage a face-to-face relationship with your mother. And, when you add your legitimate concerns about abuse, you are 'flooded'. It's time to take a break from your mother and regroup. I advocate the approach a PP suggested that you not announce anything, you just withdraw. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult this is. You need a therapist that can recognize your current trauma and help you. It's too early to say whether, in the long run, whether you'll have a relationship with your mother. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| I would cut ties but not make some big announcement. Just stop inviting her to stuff and dont put yourself in a position to get hurt anymore. |
Anonymous
| Yes cut ties and don’t look back. People with good loving parents don’t wonder if they should run away! |
Anonymous
| I can’t believe that you would invite your mother to your child’s birthday party knowing she has fondled a child before. Yet you only mention your DH watching her wrt your child. What about other people’s kids???? Where there no other kids there as well? |