Indian in-laws

[Anonymous]

I just don't get the hate on here. My Indian ILs are wonderful and kind. My MIL cooks and tries to clean for us when they visit, even though she is 70! My FIL helps DH with handiwork around the house (like hanging shelves, mounting TV, etc.). They are also extremely generous with money -- they "loaned" us money for a downpayment and put a couple thousand into the kids' college funds every year. MIL stayed with us for a month after each child was born and treated me like a princess (she wouldn't let me lift a finger! that's how they treat postpartum women in her culture). I have other friends with Indian ILs too (men and women) and none of them have had the crazy experiences you all talk about. I think DCUM just brings out the crazy neurotic WASPy types.

[Anonymous]

People of all ethnicities on DCUM hate their in laws of all ethnicities.

I do think for some, having another person stay a month or try to clean their home can be too much to deal with and feel suffocating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get the hate on here. My Indian ILs are wonderful and kind. My MIL cooks and tries to clean for us when they visit, even though she is 70! My FIL helps DH with handiwork around the house (like hanging shelves, mounting TV, etc.). They are also extremely generous with money -- they "loaned" us money for a downpayment and put a couple thousand into the kids' college funds every year. MIL stayed with us for a month after each child was born and treated me like a princess (she wouldn't let me lift a finger! that's how they treat postpartum women in her culture). I have other friends with Indian ILs too (men and women) and none of them have had the crazy experiences you all talk about. I think DCUM just brings out the crazy neurotic WASPy types.

Nothing to do with wasps. I'm a wasp and I don't see why we would have bad relationships with in-laws by virtues of being wasps, so perhaps you're guilty of your own racial stereotyping you're alleging in others?

[Anonymous]

Maybe other people's in-laws are not so wonderful and kind? Maybe they are overbearing and judgmental? Maybe their money comes with unacceptable strings?

Maybe, just maybe, people have experiences that are not the same as yours?

[Anonymous]

That's wonderful, OP!

My MIL is Vietnamese and she has been nothing but kindness itself.

She has recounted horror stories of her own MIL, and how once upon a time it was the norm for mothers-in-law to practically enslave their daughters-in-law. She told me she never wanted to do that to her DILs!

[Anonymous]

OP, just because your in-laws are wonderful, and their culture brings out the best in them, doesn't mean everyone has the same experience. A close-knit, low-boundary culture like many Asian cultures can be really tough to deal with for DILs. Certain parents will be close in positive, kind ways, and jump in and help a lot. Others will use it as license to control and criticize.

I have a Vietnamese MIL too, and she has made our lives hell with her negative, controlling behaviors and mind games. The culture is pretty boundary-free, and the whole DIL as indentured servant attitude is real, and this all enables someone like her to be an absolute terror to deal with.

Her sister, on the other hand, is a wonderful MIL, devoted to her kids and grandchildren, extraordinarily helpful and easy to deal with. The worst and the best of the culture in two sisters, expressed through their personalities.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. But your positive experience with your ILs doesn't mean that other people don't have challenging dynamics with their ILs.

Regardless of nationality.

[Anonymous]

Some people, regardless of nationality, are not nice people. Others are wonderful people and in-laws. Just because your anecdotal example of your circle seems to have avoided in law issues doesn't actually mean that the experiences of others are invalid.

[Anonymous]

Was it necessary to close your argument by bashing WASPs? Just like the Indian food poster who asked how Americans aren't all dead with our diet.

My MIL is as WASP as they come and she is wonderful to me and my family.

[Anonymous]

I’m Indian and my Indian MIL is horrible. I have a couple cousins with the same experience with their Indian MIL’s. But not all are terrible, I’m sure. My parents are wonderful to my DH and he loves them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m Indian and my Indian MIL is horrible. I have a couple cousins with the same experience with their Indian MIL’s. But not all are terrible, I’m sure. My parents are wonderful to my DH and he loves them.

Could it be...that whether a person is horrible or not has nothing to do with their race or ethnicity? What a concept?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get the hate on here. My Indian ILs are wonderful and kind. My MIL cooks and tries to clean for us when they visit, even though she is 70! My FIL helps DH with handiwork around the house (like hanging shelves, mounting TV, etc.). They are also extremely generous with money -- they "loaned" us money for a downpayment and put a couple thousand into the kids' college funds every year. MIL stayed with us for a month after each child was born and treated me like a princess (she wouldn't let me lift a finger! that's how they treat postpartum women in her culture). I have other friends with Indian ILs too (men and women) and none of them have had the crazy experiences you all talk about. I think DCUM just brings out the crazy neurotic WASPy types.

Nothing to do with wasps. I'm a wasp and I don't see why we would have bad relationships with in-laws by virtues of being wasps, so perhaps you're guilty of your own racial stereotyping you're alleging in others?

+1. OP, you had to put down another racial group in order to praise your ILs? Are you indian yourself and feeling a bit defensive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Indian and my Indian MIL is horrible. I have a couple cousins with the same experience with their Indian MIL’s. But not all are terrible, I’m sure. My parents are wonderful to my DH and he loves them.

Could it be...that whether a person is horrible or not has nothing to do with their race or ethnicity? What a concept?

Yes, that’s what I was suggesting . . . hoping OP would be able to connect the dots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People of all ethnicities on DCUM hate their in laws of all ethnicities.

I do think for some, having another person stay a month or try to clean their home can be too much to deal with and feel suffocating.

True. No way would I want someone else in my house for a month.

[Anonymous]

Glad your inlaws are great, but let's be real here. There are something like 2 million Indians in the US. Just because your inlaws are great doesn't require that all the others our there are wonderful.

For every 1 Indian couple that is giving their kids down payment money and paying for college -- there are at least 10 other inlaws doing the same with MAJOR strings. I.E. son and DIL MUST buy a home near mom and dad and/or arrange for mom/dad to move in with them. Grandkids can only go to x colleges and/or must study specific things (engineering; medicine; law; finance if you're near NYC so you can be an ibanker) and if the kid decides he wants humanities or whatever -- those funds are no longer available.

Lets not act like Indians (and every culture) can't play mind games just bc you're lucky enough that you're inlaws don't.