Bouncing back after a parent gives silent treatment?

[Anonymous]

I have a mom who’s very passive-aggressive and currently not speaking to me after a disagreement we had over something stupid. It’s been going on for a month now. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but the way it typically goes is she will ignore me until it suits HER (like she needs something from me, a holiday rolls around, etc.) I’m tired of just pretending like, and her expecting me to act like what just happened didn’t happen. And this time around my kids are old enough to see what’s going, and they keep asking why we can’t see grandma, or why grandma isn’t talking to us. Now she’s playing games with them too. Any advice on how to deal with sliding back into visits, or better, how much to limit visits once she decides she’s talking to me/us again? I just want her to know she can’t do this to the kids. You’re either in or you’re out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mom who’s very passive-aggressive and currently not speaking to me after a disagreement we had over something stupid. It’s been going on for a month now. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but the way it typically goes is she will ignore me until it suits HER (like she needs something from me, a holiday rolls around, etc.) I’m tired of just pretending like, and her expecting me to act like what just happened didn’t happen. And this time around my kids are old enough to see what’s going, and they keep asking why we can’t see grandma, or why grandma isn’t talking to us. Now she’s playing games with them too. Any advice on how to deal with sliding back into visits, or better, how much to limit visits once she decides she’s talking to me/us again? I just want her to know she can’t do this to the kids. You’re either in or you’re out. [/quote

She doesn't get to decide when to communicate again. When she does ignore her. You are letting her control the situation and hurt your children.

[Anonymous]

Give her the silent treatment. My mom used to be difficult until one day while she was at work we packed everything and moved from VA to Minnesota without telling anyone except my husband's family (he grew up there). We didn't speak to her for 6 months. When I came back for a visit, she hugged me and apologized, and has never been the same, because she knows I can, and will, leave. She's already lost my brother. She doesn't want to lose me. Yes, it was cruel, but sometimes you have to play hardball to get your point across. She made the mistake when she raised me to never need anyone. She didn't realize that could mean her.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist say? If I had a mom pulling sh*t like this, you best believe I’d be working with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Emotional blackmail. It's a tactic to control you, obviously. Just respond to another thread with someone who has parents who use tactics to control her (are you the same person?).

Solve this issue by reading, "Emotional Blackmail" and "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. She will help give you language to talk about the nature of these tactics, how they're meant to control you, and what you can do about it.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her the silent treatment. My mom used to be difficult until one day while she was at work we packed everything and moved from VA to Minnesota without telling anyone except my husband's family (he grew up there). We didn't speak to her for 6 months. When I came back for a visit, she hugged me and apologized, and has never been the same, because she knows I can, and will, leave. She's already lost my brother. She doesn't want to lose me. Yes, it was cruel, but sometimes you have to play hardball to get your point across. She made the mistake when she raised me to never need anyone. She didn't realize that could mean her.

Horrible way to live for everyone involved. You think you're being tough, but you're not. You're extremely vulnerable because you have absolutely no coping skills other than to create an emotional wall, which anyone can blow down with a little poof. But you don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mom who’s very passive-aggressive and currently not speaking to me after a disagreement we had over something stupid. It’s been going on for a month now. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but the way it typically goes is she will ignore me until it suits HER (like she needs something from me, a holiday rolls around, etc.) I’m tired of just pretending like, and her expecting me to act like what just happened didn’t happen. And this time around my kids are old enough to see what’s going, and they keep asking why we can’t see grandma, or why grandma isn’t talking to us. Now she’s playing games with them too. Any advice on how to deal with sliding back into visits, or better, how much to limit visits once she decides she’s talking to me/us again? I just want her to know she can’t do this to the kids. You’re either in or you’re out.

I am in the same boat OP. Have not spoken to my mother since late November. She IMed me the other day (entitled/rude IM) on when I plan on doing her taxes this year. I have not responded yet, but when I will....will recommend her H&R Block or a good accountant.

[Anonymous]

Respect yourself and you do not continue the drama.

[Anonymous]

You really need to move Op. You should not be entwined with this type of behavior. It will damage your kids. Move and see Mom 3-4 times a year instead - - on your terms, staying in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her the silent treatment. My mom used to be difficult until one day while she was at work we packed everything and moved from VA to Minnesota without telling anyone except my husband's family (he grew up there). We didn't speak to her for 6 months. When I came back for a visit, she hugged me and apologized, and has never been the same, because she knows I can, and will, leave. She's already lost my brother. She doesn't want to lose me. Yes, it was cruel, but sometimes you have to play hardball to get your point across. She made the mistake when she raised me to never need anyone. She didn't realize that could mean her.

Horrible way to live for everyone involved. You think you're being tough, but you're not. You're extremely vulnerable because you have absolutely no coping skills other than to create an emotional wall, which anyone can blow down with a little poof. But you don't realize it.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha ha.

Anyone who attempts this with me will get a permanent silent treatment.

Stop playing along, OP. The power is in your hands, need it be said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her the silent treatment. My mom used to be difficult until one day while she was at work we packed everything and moved from VA to Minnesota without telling anyone except my husband's family (he grew up there). We didn't speak to her for 6 months. When I came back for a visit, she hugged me and apologized, and has never been the same, because she knows I can, and will, leave. She's already lost my brother. She doesn't want to lose me. Yes, it was cruel, but sometimes you have to play hardball to get your point across. She made the mistake when she raised me to never need anyone. She didn't realize that could mean her.

Horrible way to live for everyone involved. You think you're being tough, but you're not. You're extremely vulnerable because you have absolutely no coping skills other than to create an emotional wall, which anyone can blow down with a little poof. But you don't realize it.

+1.

Actually no, the first PP was absolutely right to do this. I've had to go similarly nuclear with my mother, not for silent treatments, but other egregious acts.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy the break.

Yes. My MIL "punishes" me by not including me on emails she sends to DH, BIL, and SIL. It makes me wonderfully oblivious to her crap that they all deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy the break.

Yes. My MIL "punishes" me by not including me on emails she sends to DH, BIL, and SIL. It makes me wonderfully oblivious to her crap that they all deal with.

I'm lucky, my Mom will not speak to me or my husband. Sometimes she will speak to our child but rarely. I don't mind it at all. I feel bad not minding it but the break is nice from the constant criticism.