Snarky anti-private school remarks

[Anonymous]

We send our kids to private school. We're not rich, we live fairly modestly. We don't go out of our way to mention that our kids attend a private school. We chose our children's private school based on the unique and special factors the school offers--not because our local public schools were necessarily deficient (we live in an area with top-ranked public schools, actually). Yet I get snarky remarks all the time from a few friends and acquaintances regarding private school, along the lines of "Since we knew our child would be in the gifted program [at our public school]..." and "Of course, some kids really need that small class size in order to be successful..." and even "We don't want our kids to be snobs". I generally try to shrug off these snark attacks, but jeez, why be so rude? Does anyone else hear comments like these?

[Anonymous]

No, but I live in DC. Although our local elementary is one of "the" elementary schools everybody wants, the people I know who send their kids there are not happy and wondering when to pull them for private. Of course, DCPS has no gifted program, so no one can point snark on that basis except to say, defensively, something along the lines of "but all the children from x neighhborhood school do well."

Before moving to DC, DH and I were big believers in public schools - diversity, large enough to offer tailored programs, greater extracurricular opportunities, etc. In addition to the horror that is DCPS, we have made peace with the idea that private schools offer largely a liberal arts education, which both DH and I deeply believe is worth having. Maybe something in all those extra arts, music, language and P.E. classes could form the basis for your answer - but I hope you won't feel you need to offer one. You have made a choice about your child's (children's?) education. It's like every other parenting decision - you do what is best for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

No. Not to my face! We switched to private after DCPS elementary school, one of the most coveted ones. My child did have one teacher at our old school who kept asking me how we could afford it, which I thought was intrusive. Anyway, try not to be too sensitive, OP! These comments, while hardly gracious, don't sound too terrible.

[Anonymous]

I have heard it. The next time I will fire back (politely), picking apart every luxury that person has chosen.

[Anonymous]

How many children do you send to private school? It's at least $25k a year per child. Why are you wondering why people ask how you can afford it?

Maybe you should just count your blessings.

Or maybe you should listen closely to your "friends." If they are truly friends, maybe they have valid points to make?

Either way, your children are in the more expensive, elite schools. You should be understanding and gracious instead of bitter.

[Anonymous]

Why are you wondering why people ask how you can afford it?

Not OP, but, I would wonder why anyone would ask me such an intrusive, rude question. I would wonder why they don't try to be more gracious and mannered, and simply keep their pie hole shut? I would wonder, has this person recently arrived in the U.S. from another country/culture, where such brazen, prying questions are more acceptable among acquaintances?

These are the kinds of things I silently wonder when anyone other than my sister asks me a variation of 'egad, where do you get that money?!'

[Anonymous]

I've gotten, "why, is MCPS not good enough for you?" I answered, "a religious school is what works best for us." My interrogator did not have a follow-up. Frankly I didn't think she meant anything by it, just a relatively more confrontational way to say whatever came into her head at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why are you wondering why people ask how you can afford it?

Not OP, but, I would wonder why anyone would ask me such an intrusive, rude question. I would wonder why they don't try to be more gracious and mannered, and simply keep their pie hole shut? I would wonder, has this person recently arrived in the U.S. from another country/culture, where such brazen, prying questions are more acceptable among acquaintances?

These are the kinds of things I silently wonder when anyone other than my sister asks me a variation of 'egad, where do you get that money?!'

Pie hole shut? Where are you from?

[Anonymous]

OP, I REALLY know how you feel and you simply need to look yourself in the mirror and KNOW you are making the best decision for you and your family and leave it at that. Those people are making more of a statement about their OWN insecurities, not YOUR choices, remember that!

[Anonymous]

I agree with 23:42. When someone "attacks" you, it is about their issues and has nothing to do with you.

These inappropriate comments don't surprise me. I teach civility - and boy, do I have my hands full! The lastest studies show that Americans feel 9 out of every 10 citizens are uncivil.

When faced with these comments, although tempting, don't counter with your own. Have a pat phrase (one sentence only!) to use that is neutral in tone - something like your 4th sentence above, OP.

Remember that the more you say, the more comments you will get. They are looking to get a reaction out of you. Don't give them the satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

We transferred from a well-regarded public to private in the early elementary years. Some of the parents of our daughter's peers made comments, I feel, because they were looking for an explanation of why they weren't making the same choice -- those who it seemed couldn't afford the switch were much less likely to be snarky ("wow, beautiful school! Maybe we'd do the same if we won the lottery!") than those who from outward appearances likely could afford the switch but weren't pursuing it ("too bad little Sally's social issues mean that you needed to put her in private"). As PPs have said -- it's more about them than about you.

[Anonymous]

We can afford to send our children to any school we choose. We choose to send them to our local public schools. We hope you are all happy with your choices. We are happy with ours.
FWIW: Our children have been referred to as "pubic school trash". I agree, it's more about them.

[Anonymous]

As pp said it cuts both ways. People around here make snarky remarks about private and public. To me it's just a sign that parents in general aren't confident about their choices. We don't trust our own gut when it comes to our kids. Why should anyone have to defend any of their choices. I certainly don't.

[Anonymous]

Well, I could see a couple of reasons why people make these comments:

Jealousy
Insecurity
Belief that opting out of public education is wrong

Saying anything to anyone though is so rude!

I echo however the comments of the PP--one of my children is at a private and the other in a public school charter, and man, it seems like some people think I am committing child abuse!!

[Anonymous]

We get snide comments as well. We turned down a spot at one of the "better, highly regarded" DCPS schools and everyone things we are crazy because we opted for private. There are times when I find myself justifying my choice then I catch myself and simply say, "this works best for DS!" We also get, "how much does it cost?, how can you afford that?, you're crazy for passing up a free school!"

Sometimes I want to say the following: "you're crazy for spending $1K/mo on your clothes", "I can't believe you own a $60K car!" "Wow! Your mortgage is $5K!"

One response that always leaves them speechless is, "my houseshold expenses are so low that I could work at Starbucks and afford my expenses. That is the choice that WE made to send our kids to private school!" Then they stand there like idioits because they are calculating luxury car payments, credit card bills, and jumbo mortgage costs thinking "Wow, for all of the money I'm wasting, my kids could be in private school!"